If you're here, you could be there.

I was pretty sleepy in the morning, but I still managed to take care of the kids and start the log in process for work. Everything - every program, every window, every document - kept freezing. I don't have any work chores on Mondays and all my work was done when I left on Friday so it's not like there were any fires that sprang up. In fact, I managed to keep my eyes on my own paper and finished not only all my claims, mail, case offers, etc, but also enter the NOAs that came in for tomorrow morning. In less than pleasant news, Amy sent me a spreadsheet that Lynelle and Kathy have been working on with all of my timecard discrepancies for the last three years. These were all for too much work, as opposed to too little, so I'm not really sure what to make of that, but I'll work on checking those dates in my journal when I've got free time during work. It's a work matter, there's zero reason I should invest my unpaid time figuring out paychecks that have already been Verified and paid. I remember when I was written up and Lynelle talked to me after, noting that sure, if they're going to fire someone, the rest of the office shouldn't be on blast, but it should never be at all surprising for the person terminated. I'm a fucking rock star at work right now, so maybe we're being audited. Or maybe they want to get rid of me for cause since I'm so adamant about not going back to the office. That would suck. I'd happily leave happily if they'd help me with my resume and I could get in working remotely for an animal nonprofit. We'll see.

My session with Candace wasn't really a session. She mostly just complained that Magellan, who handles Blue Shield's mental health claims, was flat lying to avoid paying her. Understandable. I asked Amy for a contact and was surprised that she thought BS handled everything directly. In the meantime, something's gone. Candace says I can't handle the billing for her, and she has plenty of experience with it, so most of it was just me listening to her vent. I did, at least, get my own spreadsheet made with all the dates I've seen her. She just needs to sign off on it, I'll submit it to Beneflex, and once we get the credits figured out, she'll get that. She suggested we just make it a $50 copay and skip insurance altogether, but I'll look into other options first. I might stop seeing her, tbh, if she's going to have to take a significant pay cut. I'm not adding to the Scoreboard while I work to dismantle it.

Julian slept until around 1ish then stayed dozing most of the rest of the day. He brought in the first box from Chewy, which was just one brick of litter and all the hairball and meaty sticks, before crashing again. I went out to message the other referral Candace gave, but saw another text there. He'd asked someone how lunch was, but the number didn't have a contact associated. There were texts back and forth from Brian P., a gent he'd talked about meeting at one of the bars, who had a very drunk "rebound" guy with him at the time. One of those texts was Brian apologizing for not being able to stay hard or cum. IDGAF who he fucks, but his history of lying makes this suspect. That was sort of a double-whammy, really, since I'd gone back through my journal to make Candace's spreadsheet and saw all the times I resisted moving him out here before. Again, it really just reinforces some of the decisions and thoughts I've previously had. Julian was pretty sleepy for most of the night, watched some Sci-fi show and ate snacks. I went out to spend time there but didn't want to force things. I don't think spending the night in separate rooms would be at all a big deal if our kids got along. I was touched enough that LMF laid next to me that I opted to stay next to her all night.

Woke up to a string of texts from Julian. Apparently he stayed up drinking and stewing. I didn't read them all - mostly wanted to have time to digest them. They were mostly just continuing last night's tantrum, but I caught one that raged at my selfishly buying weed for us when he's starving to death. Insert eye twitch. I had a lot I wanted to get done while he was at work, but I didn't finish very much. I found the paperwork for my veteran's appeal, but couldn't actually find my dad's info in it. It was unfortunate to see all the torn up paper from Merryweather chewing on everything. I miss her. But it was really nice to see notes and awards from Rocky. When Julian came home from lunch, we did that curious thing where we pretend nothing happened. I guess that makes sense, especially since he was wasted and I was asleep. And because there's no actual conflict. It didn't last long, though, as he picked it up again. Said he texted me before I went to sleep because I told him that's how I prefer to be contacted. Sure, but even though I didn't need to, I did specify that texts are best *when I'm not there.* Definitely not when I've got my phone charging in the other room and I'm physically present and talking to you. Or after I've gone to sleep. And especially not to ask a question I've already repeatedly agreed to. He explained that it was more of his financial insecurity, I told him to get therapy. He's the Only Ex to Out Crazy Squeak. And since I so desperately need therapy, he *definitely* needs it. We'll add it to the list of things we need to do. Ashley called me after he left, and talked about the marriage. Probably an awkward time to have it, given that I'm still analyzing, but I think it was good. She'd cried when I told her I married Julian. I explained all the healing and movement we've been engaging in, not that we're anywhere near done. She's planning on visiting in November, which is wonderful. I think she'd been going to visit in November 2019, but that didn't work out and I was on fire. Not in my usual way. I still didn't manage to get much done before Julian got home, but I was also kind of expecting to hear from Tim. Figured he'd message me when he was leaving instead of showing up at 4, but surprise! Neither. Julian got home a little after 4, Tim called me shortly after that. He decided to just go there directly, so we got cleaned up and headed over. I missed a couple steps in my head for the directions and got us kind of lost. Unfortunately, the tank was also inching towards empty. Aren't we all. Julian eventually turned his GPS on because mine sucks. He claimed all Navigation duties going forward, and I'm not complaining. But he also tried to say I went through almost the whole tank driving around. And then evade his fuel use by noting it was for work. Nono, that wasn't the question....

Tim beat us there which wasn't surprising at all, given the detours. More importantly, we got there in time to see FHA & his friend. Lovely gent, just a man of few words. Suits me fine, I had many people to still reacquaint. I didn't end up getting into my suit until much later, and put my clothes back on much later. It was cold!. Like most parties for the near future, I imagine much of it will just be people trying to start catching up and being together again. In personal growth, I got to talk about my addiction and recovery without it feeling like a monument. And I thanked Tim without the weight of the Scoreboard. For his part, Tim seemed fairly tipsy and very goal oriented. Single entendre hitting on every other guy. I've been there, but the hosts had directly asked me to start the orgy and I was high on GHB. At least some of Tim's intendeds seemed interested. Overall, the party was a blast. I was honestly very nervous about the whole thing. One of the standout things about their place is the sheer volume of booze available. They stock their parties very well. I'd worried again that I'd be a stick in the mud without booze. No worries at all. It wasn't the perfect party. My stomach was a little upset since I chugged coffee to stay up all day, and I thought it was hilarious trying to guess if my eyes were red from weed or exhaustion. But it was wonderful. And there was a hilarious moment where I demonstrated a point Julian was making about losing my train of thought in the middle of a disquisition. It happens. I loved the music, loved catching up and meeting people, and it felt like Julian and I kept a good balance between time together and apart. He confessed to me later that he worried I was cheating at one moment, but Brion cleared it up for him. But he didn't explode from it, and that's awesome. There was a slightly awkward moment later where I struggled with that same jealousy newly coupled friends have spoken of. Sure, Julian and I are open, but we haven't actually fucked anyone else, despite going to sex parties. I didn't really think it was the right time to test those waters. I reminded myself of my rule: one fantastic new person or one fantastic new song is per se a good time. Chatting with Sean at one point, he mentioned he'd gotten additional cats to keep his first one company and she's never forgiven him. Just a side note. One person towards the end thought I was on molly or similar because I was *so* into whatever song came on, but they were completely squeaked themselves. On the other hand, Chris and I were chatting at one point and he thanked me a couple times and phrasings for my comment after his furkid died a few years ago. That's awesome and one reason to get started preaching the joys of Symbism.

I thought we might be able to hit up PECS later, but Julian was also quite tipsy and neither of us was really up to it. I made sure Julian ate at the party, but he was hungry again so we swung by Ralph's. They had a decent sale on Morningstar and I'm delighted that Morningstar has heavily shifted towards vegan items. We bought a selection of those and Julian asked for beer. I dunno. Not that I'm ever good at saying no, but he was so good today. I cooked up the Buffalo Chik'n burgers, we watched YouTube, including the song I found today. It was a really great night, even though we still stayed up too late.

Up around 1, but even a half pill didn't do anything. I've really got to double-check my medication. I could swear I was supposed to start a different sleeping medication at some point. Back to coffee, then. Tim left his on the counter, so I finished that and the rest of the pot I'd made for him yesterday. Even though that whole pot coffee was my usual before I took a tolerance break and then cut back, that was plenty. I set up my Zoom meeting for Candace, sent the invite, and tucked into work. Howard was having VPN issues, and I hesitated but sent the email that I can do almost everything from home-home. Allpages and getting items from the M: Drive, such as scan mail, would be the only stumbles. Kathy half-joked that she wasn't sure she wanted to know how I'd get my eservice, but I can (and have) just gone through the eservice email and taken out my stuff when I couldn't get to the Eservice folder on the work computer. Easy-peasy. Julian had an online interview for a company in the morning, got all cleaned up, but it turned out to be a pre-recorded sales pitch to get people to sign up as commission-only life insurance salesmen. He was understandably upset and frustrated at constantly reaching and constantly not getting there. In the brief period we chatted, there was no mention or echo of last night's storm. Uh...okay? I worked through lunch, since I got the waiver, and got to the dental office just fine. I brought my mask, just in case, and good thing. Not that I mind everything being work from home, obviously, it's just a bit of a chore sometimes. Wait outside, checklist form, they check your temp & blood pressure, wait in the completely bare actual waiting room, arrows on the floors, etc. It's fine, it's just increasingly not needed anymore. Kind of like Condom-Only gents these days. Condoms are far more of a headache than a pill. I have one tooth that might, but probably won't, need a root canal, but otherwise, I should be able to finish all the dental work we uncovered the need for back in...2018? 2019? Unfortunately, I screwed myself over by working through lunch, because I got back early. I suppose there was really no way around it. If I hadn't, I guess I could have gotten there at 12:45 in the hopes they could see me early, but that would have been unlikely. They're swamped. Everyone and everything is different there. The place has been remodeled and the only people I recognized were the receptionists. I was so excited to see everyone now that I'm not busting up my face every week! On the plus side, their new dental assistant, Jared, might help redeem that name in my book. Like most people, he seemed somewhat perplexed by me, but I think I caught some intrigue at the end, and I think I won him over. And in a stellar anxiety-managing moment, I thought about fucking him, having a really great connection...and then I remembered Julian. I'm married. But then I brushed it away. So fucking what? Yeah, Julian absolutely has and will have a lot of anxiety about all of this. But the sooner we get it out of the way, the sooner we can show his anxiety the door. And speaking of, Drew & Steve texted me! Perfect timing, especially since my ad just went back up. They talked about hiring me again, I let them know I'm married and either or both of us would be down. I even offered to come over early so we could just chat and catch up. Julian seemed vaguely bothered by something, and I wondered to myself if he was remembering uncomfortable things from last night. He didn't say anything, so okay. I let him know I'd be in the other room, so whenever he did want to talk, just give a holler. Taka came to the door, and then asked to talk to me. His willful helplessness was wearing on them. They're two people living in a very small apartment with 3 cats and 3 dogs, bending over backwards to help get him on his feet, and he's not only ungrateful, he's actively working to fail. And he's a jerk about it. I explained about his history and said I'd talk to him.

My session with Candace went well. She was a few minutes late, but I've never minded being on camera. If I must perform solo, so be it. *dramatic pose* She joked about having a lawyer taping her sessions, and about sound-edited versions. She asked what it is I'm trying to escape from by using. It occurred to me my GHB addiction strongly resembled what I'm told a meth addiction resembles. Wouldn't that be funny, if meth worked for me like Adderall does for ADHD folks. I'm not going to try it, don't worry. It had actually been so long I forgot why I was using. I've numbed from a lot of things. My constant thrashing for being such a failure at everything, that terrifying fear that I'm going to continue to fail at everything, and even my own life, because some part of me could see the car crash happening, even before addiction. A ticking time bomb. I just couldn't hear that part of me. She thought it might be memories, but I don't have those. I talked about offering to quit drinking with Julian, but then decided to swap it and just reduce my booze 99.9%. I don't want to be sober. I don't want to say I relapsed if I have a drink. Or 12. I'm just not going to right now. Maybe a cheers for some special occasion, but for now...I'm good. I spoke about my eternal frustration with the overwhelming, omnipresent pain in the universe, and I'm supposed to read what I can on The Green Mile. Easy enough. I have Wikipedia. And she mentioned that when I'm an addict, I'm contributing to the suffering in the world. Damn. But she's right. In addition to how much more I could do for others if I don't fuck up again, there is that whole MASSIVE slap in the face to everyone who had to give so much to keep me alive last time.

When I returned, Julian was also ready to talk. I gave myself a moment before I did, because I wanted to be responsible about this. He explained again about his frustration and feelings of helplessness, but said he understood the troubling patterns we're seeing. I think I did a pretty good job balancing the concern and diplomacy. He was on board for Drew & Steve, but freaked out when I mentioned they offer Bimix for anyone who wants it. That's common, and actually one of the reasons I brought it up. I'd rather him freak out now and get over it than freak out there. Or not, and just not go. Also fine. Then he started stumbling into tantrum territory. Said maybe he wasn't sure if he wanted me doing it. Maybe not even escorting at all, now that I'd paid for my ad. I very diplomatically pointed out it wasn't his choice. He has no power here. But I did offer to talk to him about it, go through his concerns. Even if it ends up being just a cameo back to the escort scene, I kind of need this to repair my thoughts on escorting.

DM Justin had sent me a ton of repeated messages last night. They couldn't mute me when I left and argued with Julian in the living room, so they heard it all. Probably a little faster than they'd have cared to get to know me. I let him know everything was probably fine, or at least on its way there. He believes in us.

One of my friends had posted on my page looking for help for CutCocks that he could maybe just get to Lebanon, and then apply for Asylum. He said it would likely take at least a year for any of the rescue organizations to get to him on their list - he belongs to a Private FB for Syrian Gays and some of them have been waiting years. I said I'd help him out once our funds were figured out, and then thought of making a fundraiser for him in the meantime. Tim called and convinced me to hold off until the rescue organizations could weigh in. Fair enough. Julian was going to sleep in Lady Miss Friday's bed with me, but she jumped up on the bed as soon as I got up from the computer. Maybe next time. Instead, I spent some time with Lady Miss Friday, but eventually joined Julian anyway. Not that I could sleep - despite the reduced and early coffee, sleep was hard to find. I'd thought about fucking, but in addition to the effort needed to get ready, it just didn't feel like the right time. Would have felt too much like pretending nothing happened.

Up early as usual, spent time with Lady Miss Friday before getting cleaned up for therapy. It went well. She cautioned me against parenting too much, and mentioned the stages of understanding. From what I can see, though, they mirror the stages of Grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We discussed our Guidelines and she noted that he's essentially just telling me what I want to hear. I don't just need to ask him if he's okay, I need to force him to think it through, to identify *why* he's okay....and why he's not. Sean's party might be a bit much for us right now, and maybe a Couch to 5k on polyamory would be best for us. I read an article once that said the best way is shockingly to dive in the deep end. We talked about him using me to get out here and about his attempt to sexually one-up me due to his cock. Like me, she believes he does love me, but it might be Skinny Love, so to speak, and with apologies to Bon Iver and Birdy. We need to build trust and this Jekyll & Hyde behavior won't accomplish that, especially once we Bring on the Men. When I mentioned how sweet it was that he got me Pedialyte when I was so hungover, she noted that such acts are basic decency and she doesn't give extra credit for basic decency. Neither should I.

Julian had to run down to Rachel's for some things while I was in session but returned not long after. As with yesterday, I was completely unsure of the plan for the day, as was Julian. I wrestled with it, but checked the prices at Target & Big Lots for both plastic boxes and trash cans. Same prices, so then I looked up which company was more progressive. Better pay, hours, advancement opportunities, etc. Target won, so we zipped down there. I also snagged some silvervine & catnip blend which is supposed to be more potent than catnip and Julian needed some things. We might well have been able to sneak some of the items out, but just having to conspire and therefore risk Julian was enough to convince me not to. I think it's just having hit the Freak Out Point in my savings. It will get better. On the plus side, not stealing meant I could more appreciate the checkout camera.

I put my Stray Friend's food in the box, we took out the current recyclables and then set up the trash can for them. I'd have done all of this eventually, but having Tom et al staying this weekend added urgency. Julian also started organizing his stuff as much as possible. We made a resume for him and I was very impressed with the free Resume Builders online. I don't think they'd help me, but I don't plan on leaving ADI. It's decent. His previous one was somewhat fragmented, 2 pages for no real reason, and often stated things like "Followed QA standards." Not that I'd have done any better without the Builder. Then we applied for a few jobs. Progress! Tim called me after that, and it started well. Mostly just about how productive and healthy we'd been this weekend. Unfortunately, we ran into that double standard of mine, where everything I accomplish becomes pathetically easy, since I was able to do it, and therefore doesn't count as an accomplishment or achieving anything. He became understandably upset. It's the still darker side of my constant can kicking.

We watched Lucifer again after and talked a lot more. He'd overheard bits and pieces of my side of things during my session with Candace. He was very clear he didn't intend to eavesdrop, but I have no secrets anyway. We talked more about Sean's party and he's not even sure if he wants to go now. But he believes he does want me to go no matter what. Just make sure I spent lots of time with him when I get home. Can do. I pointed out that I fucked hundreds of men in the years we've been apart - what's a few more now? Many of whom I've already fucked. And I expanded that to our reunion. We've already been through Hell. Some individually and some with/for/due to each other. If it hasn't destroyed us by now, it's unlikely to. In the evening, we talked menu options. It was, like so many of our conversations, healing and healthy. Since I have the cuisine standards of a Chihuahua, I suggested he cook. He thought I meant the same way he had to cook for his mother, plus dishes and whatnot. I clarified that I make a stellar sous chef, and I have no problem doing dishes ever. I wasn't asking him to make dinner, I was asking if *we* could make dinner. Just with him leading.

I opted for coffee again, though of course my exhaustion could be due to any number of things. For it being my "off" day where I had nothing to do but my regular job, I had a tough time keeping up. I suppose that's understandable, given the circumstances. Colleen messaged me that she passed Burgener, and ever time she did she thought of Julian and I getting hitched there. That's much nicer than my previous strongest memory of overdosing at Humberto & Robert's party. Julian messaged me a little after 11:30am to let me know he was getting on the road and hoped to hit Amarillo, TX by the end of the day. So much for leaving early. We got notification from PLI that our scholarship was renewed thanks to the bump of use after their last message. I think I'm going to take an MCLE every day.

Julian called me because the storm had indeed caught him and he wanted company, if only telephonically. I kept picturing Twister. He pulled over for a little while because the rain got too bad, his cats hid in the covered litter box, and we had one of presumably many Very Important Chats. At some point in the conversation, he commended himself for driving across the country to be with his husband. He should go into PR. I reminded him that the other reason he was driving across the country is that he's homeless and has no other place to go. He asked again about what happened Sunday night and I actually went through it with him using my journal as an outline. There was still some scrambling; he even filibustered. Just started talking in circles and finally said "I'll call you right back." It kind of worked, because I did forget what we were even talking about. There will be other discussions. I got a few important things in front of him. His self-destruction and willful helplessness, his insistence that I alone (love you) save him from himself, and active attempts to make it harder for me. We'll obviously go over this again, but I'm glad I managed to even bring it up and he managed to sit still for it. We also discussed Sean's party again. He was largely just throwing everything against the wall to see what stuck. He threatened to go out and trick the night of the party if he couldn't get in via the wait-list. Great! Have a blast! Unfortunately, he also got vicious. Said he'd go fuck a bunch of people while I was at the party. Great! Have a blast! Said he'd find a way to be at the party and everyone would love him more because of his huge cock. Some would, sure. But given the Tom's specific request for my presence, I doubt it would be "more." Just that attempt is obviously as troubling as it is transparent. He got to that unfortunate point where he was just disagreeeing with everything. When I quoted him, saying he'd probably have favorites of his side tricks to tell him that would be ideal, he still denied saying it. He hand waved the fact that he's the only one of us who's ever cheated, but I finally got through to him by using an example of him tricking and me being fine with it. That, of course, is also tragically familiar. And here's your equal attention cake, Peter. But even having these conversations is progress.

Tim called after and we talked about the realistic next steps for Julian. Very little chance of him getting a job and his own place any time soon, so whoever fosters his kids might need to adopt them. I'm prepared to have that discussion with him. And he'll need to live in the state for at least a year before he qualifies for in state tuition. It helps figure out a plan forward to figure out where you are. I struggled all night with angsty demons. That same desperate need from forever ago, only matured. The idea that if I can't fulfill everyone's needs, if I can't make everyone happy, what the fuck am I even doing here? And I'm not sure how much he likes me vs seeing me as an easy mark, not that they're mutually exclusive. I'm not sure he'd even know. And some part of my brain is telling me this is all in my head and I'm just causing drama.

Texts from around 2ish from Colleen advised me on the importance of tracking my emotions through this entire process, including my paranoia, and she sent an excerpt of a letter she'd sent in 1989 about my brother and me with our half-sister Christy. He rough-housed, I was affectionate. Try to contain your shock. I'm grateful for her insight. I also had a string of texts from Julian. A few from 3:30 accusing me of not calling then, then one around 4:30 noting he heard it didn't happen and hoped for my safety. It was just before 5, so I corrected him with a screencap of my call log. I'd called him as soon as I got home. He got confused at Kevin's saying it never happened and called. I explained that the Happy Hour Happened, just the orgy didn't. I got confused at Kevin keeping him up to date. Apparently, Kevin had been hitting on each of us individually. At least he's reliable? I talked about how wonderful it was to see Michael again and the dawn breaking while I talked to Peter...but he didn't get it.

I had no real plans for the day. I took out some of the recycling but didn't have the motivation to get any further. I didn't have any real desire to watch Netflix. I got a Friend & Message Req from a gent who needed to know where to direct his friend interested in sex worker rights. SWoRN is no more, but I sent her to SWOP & my friend who works there, advised her to also check out the Red Umbrella Project. Sad I couldn't help, but happy I could direct him to who could. I updated my journal some, though I knew I was so far behind it'll be a process. I tried to really get into my head at the moment it happened and understand what was going on. And since I was so far behind, a lot of those feelings were warm and fuzzy. Mostly. But I examined the paranoia as well, though I couldn't find any Happy Endings of people who married folks who'd abused them. I really should have at least collected notes about each day as I fell further and further behind. Tim tagged in my skill at education for some fool rambling anti-vax nonsense on a post and I had my own dance with an assimilationist. I thought that was plenty for the day. I drank, smoked, and jerked off for the rest of the day. It was honestly wonderful. Smoking let me keep my drinking reasonable. I even got to that GHB-Place...or at least roughly in the area I had it on my map, but it felt...bright. Healthy. Fun. And I watched one of the old flip fuck videos I made with Julian for a few hours. I never uploaded this one because he didn't consent to doing porn, just making home movies. Call it endorphins, call it the weed/booze, but I'd never noticed our affection in it.

I usually have a Monday Mist, where I can't quite focus on work, but today I felt like I picked up where I left off on Friday, and that's awesome. My session with Candace was healthy. My trying to consent in advance of any potential assault gives me "control" of the situation, and when I numb, it's also about putting my abuse under my control. But if I can fix what's wonky, I'll have control of substances as well, because I won't be dependent on them to block the wonk. I'd asked her yesterday if she could see my mom, since she's in another state and has Medi-Care. She could probably see her, but it would create a potential conflict if she said anything secretive about me. Same with Julian. I'm welcome to bring anyone to "class" with me, I just have to do it with the understanding that I'm the focus. They're in my session regarding my relationship with them, not any of their issues. If their issues get addressed as well, great. It got a little awkward when she asked why I called them the 3 Little Pigs, I listed some of their kinks, explained they introduced me to felching....and then had to explain what felching is. Since things are getting so heavy in my head, she cautioned me to be careful with how far I delve and how deeply. I can see that. All of this feels like a Big Ominous Variable. It could be filled with sunshine and rainbows, or it could be filled with Nope.

I was going to try to make that long video for Charlie, but then Julian called. I'd started explaining about my recent developments, about my brother, and about sleeping with people I don't want to the last time, but we were both drinking, so the conversation was fuzzy. I sent him pics of both my brother and prior partners, and he was livid I hadn't told him when I had sex. Said I'd lied. I vaguely recall having had sex just after the last time he asked me about sexual partners, but even if I hadn't mentioned it, it wasn't intentional. A lie without intent is just an error. Weirdly, he wasn't upset about David, and the fact that I wanted one and not the other was lost on him. He threw a small tantrum, but in retrospect, I think it demonstrated growth on both our parts. We're both a little more emotionally mature, wherever our starting points were. While he was still raging at me, I asked him to come to therapy, but he was too caught up in his raging. He calmed down once he got over that knee-jerk red haze and brought up getting back together if he moves back out here again. I reiterated that I'm not guaranteeing anything, my fears about him moving out here as a Magic Finish Line, and stressed the need for him to figure out a passion, paying or not.

Tim also messaged me, asking for a favor. He need some money because the deposit schedule had made him get overdrafted, but as soon as it came in, he could pay me back. Or something. I took advantage of my buzz and declined responsibility for keeping track of the loan, for having to hound them for their payments. If they're going to be short at all, they just need to tell me that, so I don't have to keep track and nag them. BOUNDARIES.

Got clocked in fine, but couldn't find the email that re-assigned TDPs. I knew I didn't have eservice due to the confusion from last week, but I wanted to make sure it hadn't just swapped with another job. Turns out I had it all along, but I'd been looking for the email, not the spreadsheet. Still a bit odd that I couldn't find the original email, even by looking for Kathy's name, and neither could Din.

In browsing Quora, I found a link to roll20.net, and briefly clucked at myself for not looking for it sooner. It makes perfect sense that something like that would exist, and the pandemic would probably amp it up. I shared it with FB, in case others were in the same position. I also called Beneflex, since the money was still showing Pending. This Time For Real, it should finally be paid on Friday. The young lady I spoke with was very nice, and called it having Snoop Brain.

Someone on my Friend's list posted about not having seen Hocus Pocus, someone replied they should watch The Relic and some other horror film instead, and took umbrage when I commented that was odd. Shut them the fuck up, beat the tar out of a few Right Wing trolls on the Laughing page.

Julian had fallen asleep during his EKG, and had some pretty horrid nightmares while he was out. Dead family members, strangers, and some creepy Slender Man-esque creature. I tried to calm him down, but a couple hours later he was still talking about it, and eventually moved on to complaining about the guy I blew at the Pride party a few years ago. He even tried retconning things that he didn't fuck Dewey. Having been speaking so long, and being so irritated, I called him out on wanting a parent/partner, on repeatedly asking me for money, and on trying to manipulate me into helping him move back. I feel horrid for him, but that doesn't excuse things.

Since Julian will be here in 5 days, I finally dragged myself to TJ's for wine, beer, "meatballs," snacks, etc. Such a small thing, and yet....much like crossing things off a to-do list provides positive feelings, having something hanging over you eventually starts to bleed into other areas. Given that I didn't have any concrete plans, I figured it would be a good time to announce his visit. It....didn't go as planned. Plenty of Likes, but not so much on the interest. FHA messaged me about the visit, and it started my thoughts. Ultimately, he's coming out again because he keeps asking, and I'm terrible about saying no. I'm trying not to get my paranoia all over this, but I do have a feeling Julian is secretly hoping to get adopted by me, essentially. In talking, FHA reminded me of the physical instances between me and Julian. I'm aware I'm the absolute King of Making Excuses for Others, and this in particular would be textbook, so I muzzled those thoughts.

Sean hit me up, asking initially about how I'm doing generally, then asking about my meds. He subtly reminded me of dysmorphia, and that I can't really be trusted to judge my weight or appearance. Regarding meds, I've noticed that if I miss one, it just makes the slope a little more slippery. If that makes sense.

Tim's neighbor, Chris, who I've known for a long time, but though we've both expressed interest, have never made it beyond acquaintances, hit me up for a board game night during the visit. Of course, I was gonna try to set up a theme, but Chris doesn't have a onesie, and I don't have enough animal hats to go around, since my bunny hat was stolen. Julian messaged me later with a hip hop duo performing "Liquorice" by Azealia Banks. It was quite decent, and you can tell the choreographer has a tap background. It got a little awkward when he asked if I was excited for his visit, and then asked about Justin. I could swear I've already told him my history there, but he was mostly focused on which of their dicks is bigger. Lorde.

I put on a shirt and picked up a bit for my individual meeting with Kathy, and we talked some about how it makes *total* sense to go from psych to dance to law, then circle back around to psych. Lawyers are supposed to have a Silver Tongue, and I'm not sure if it's that or I just think too much (or both). While the connection to the law was lacking, psych and dance was an easy target, since so many folks use dance as a substitute for therapy. It got me thinking about Miriam's class, and that one lyrical combination where she commented that I was working through some ish on the dance floor. I don't remember the details, but we somehow also got onto the topic of societal pressure towards stoicism, and its roots in machismo. It got me wondering how related to the U.S. that is. Finally, she asked about the Zoom meetings for work, and told me she specifically wanted my opinion specifically because I think so deep and often have a wildly different perspective. I'm gonna look up other Zoom games for the meetings.

Tim called me in the morning, though I declined to come by today. He did require an affirmation right then that I'd come over tomorrow...that whole...knowing me thing. I gave him a tentative affirmative, well aware that it would lock me in just as firmly.
I remembered to pay my rent, cleaned some, but mostly spent the day getting stoned and watching Community. The CA Fire or whatever they are seem to be decent. Julian called, and I nudged him towards having a professional goal. He's gonna go for vet tech.

We also talked some about his last visit and my addiction. He commented that I looked strung out when he came. Just in case I missed the point, someone later that day Liked my Tweet with my Last Unicorn shirt, and holy fuckballs. I looked like a homeless meth addict. I deleted the tweet.