If you're here, you could be there.

It was a fantastic last work day of the year. I listened to "Our Love" on repeat all day, of course, but also finished all the work I wanted to. I opted not to do Din's mail for next week because he'll be back and is a big boy. But the last half-hour was sort of spinning my wheels. No clue what to do, not enough energy to update my journal, work towards any of my various side projects , or almost anything else. That probably should have been my first warning. I know exhaustion and depression are besties, but holy fuck. I sank fast. Pet the kids, listened to happy music, looked through Pinterest for happy furkids...everything I could think of, but I still wanted out. As we're all well aware, Lady Miss Friday keeps me from killing myself. I was still going to. I don't have any excuse, I just wanted out. In that moment, I took that "life goes on" phrase far too seriously. Lady Miss Friday would get rehomed, maybe even to a better place, and surely everyone else would understand? How could they want me to stay when I don't want to be here? The general advice for depressed folk wanting to tap out is to think of all the joy and whatnot, but that equation has never made sense to me. Good stuff in my life doesn't translate to less suffering for the rest of the world. The rabbit doesn't care that the hawk is happy. I can't save every rabbit, and more importantly, I can't do anything about the system requiring the hawk to murder the rabbit. I'm incapable of reaching out; far too butch for that. Instead I went to Ralph's and bought a handle of vodka. And vegan nuggets. Day before NYE, it was busy and they only had two lanes open. Then they closed one of them. No clue if that's Kroger fucking over their employees or the manager fucking up, but the manager didn't give a fuck. Many, many times I've drank with the express goal of passing out, which is yet another red flag, but tonight I thought of it as harm reduction. It is so frustrating that with all the technology at our fingertips, we still haven't created a harmless recreational drug. Weed's fine but my tolerance skyrockets so quickly and I will always overdose on anything given to me.

Julian had messaged me late last night that he knew I wasn't talking to my mom. What? I figured he was probably mixing memories and largely ignored it. I wasn't really sure what to do with the day, but didn't put too much pressure on myself. I took a full Jazz warm-up in the living room, and it actually helped with my previous half-baked decision to hire choreographers. Now, of course, I'm fully baked any chance I get. Better than the alternative.

I finally checked and I was indeed in FB Jail just for acknowledging someone's trash status. I filed an appeal with their Decision Board or whatever it is. FB's Guidelines are as focused as they are lengthy about the various protected classes (sex, religion, national origin, etc), but nowhere is "impolite" banned. Julian messaged me about his appeal, and it was quite enlightening. He said they didn't fire him for tardiness, but that's the reason written on the discharge, and Arkansas has a special code section saying you're not eligible for UI if you're dismissed within the probationary period for attendance. He was fired on the last possible day. There's a little wiggle room still - his signature isn't on the time cards, and they're supposedly required to be on the phone before they clock in, which would be illegal in itself. And the day he no-showed there was a flood or something. I'll try to find something to support that. I'll figure out how to give him the best fighting chance he can get.

I'm sure any defense trial lawyer would get a good laugh at my shock that people lie, not just when the truth would do, but even when the truth would be more useful. I suppose I sort of see that in the client letters we get, too, proclaiming innocence even when there's DNA. And witnesses. And video. Posted to social media. He mentioned that on his trip, he wants to go to Coronado, get a mug for his mom. Fine by me. I care so much more about not having to decide than whatever we actually do. I'm aggressively accommodating. I'm also going to look up potential ideas.

I drank, of course, and at least had the presence to write down any ideas that scampered across my brain. Kelly covering the WWRY version of "A Kind of Magic," a recovery-themed re-write of Cher's "Believe," and even a work-friendly version of my frequent statements of assistance: "Badgers are helpful creatures." Would have been a lot more timely when the prevailing belief was in honey badger's indifference.

I remembered to look for a breathalyzer though most of them were battery operated. USB is just so much more convenient. I didn't decide on one, but it's not pressing. I heard a new track by Fleet Foxes, "The Shrine / An Argument," and for some reason, it reignited my fascination with suicide. That's obviously somewhat risky research to delve into, so I made sure I'd taken my meds and made a rule that if I started sinking, if I started ideation, I'd retreat. I saw A Broken Wing on the list of tracks about suicide, but the Wiki agreed with my assessment, that it's left, likely intentionally, open to interpretation. Black Hole Sun and Chandelier were also on there, so I read up. Chandelier is about addiction, depression, and The Quest. From Wiki: "Lyrically, the song has a melancholic theme, detailing the demoralisation and rationalisation of alcoholism through the thought process of a "party girl". More broadly, the song speaks to the fleeting feelings of release and abandon that come with intoxication, as well as the pain, guilt and emptiness that accompany addiction, alcoholism and hedonistic excess." It was a little odd to be drinking while reading that, so I called it a night.

Woke up at 4, which is a little disappointing given that I took two pills to sleep and avoided booze. I haven't decided if I should request a higher dosage. One thing I remember from rehab was that bassically everyone was on Trazodone or Seroquel in varying amounts, and I think I recall my current dosage being on the high end of normal. I had a text from Sean from 1am, and he was still up when I messaged him back. He wanted me to come over because he thought his landlady had tried to kill him. I wasn't really sure what was going on, and he was sketchy. On details. He'd apparently already called the cops, but they were no help. It's worth noting that they're not legally required to in most situations. He sent me a pic of a bunch of illegible notes he'd written down, and I declined to go over. As you're aware, I'm ecstatic to help with anything I can, but I get so irritated when people just sort of tease what they need. And it was cold. I swapped out laying with Lady Miss Friday and browsing Twitter, dragging a few Trumpets trying to defend the insurrection. Sean did call me later in the morning, claiming his landlady had put salt in the meth he was going to inject. He had no answer for *how* she did it, but wanted me to sue...somebody. For something. I thought maybe I should go over just to be company since he was freaking out, but he's long overdue for rehab at this point. He'd previously come to the conclusion that his neighbors were not actually spying on him, so rehab was his next step. He texted me later to note how disappointed he was with my response.

I'd thought about taking up swimming laps again to exercise, but it turns out most of the pools are closed. I'm not really sure the justification on that, really, unless they're paying the employees to stay home to protect them from public contact.

Lady Miss Friday wanted something as well, and it didn't seem to be attention, treats, or catnip, though all three distracted her briefly. On the phone with my mom the other day, she'd mentioned that Princess's favorite toy was pipe cleaners curled into springs. I don't have any of those, but someone else had mentioned their cat loving springs as well. She got the cat version of Zoomies, so I broke out the springs I bought from Chewy. SHE LOVED THEM. She doesn't play with anything very long; the most I could get her to do in my old place was a couple laps with the laser pointer, and she kept up that theme here. It was enough. She relaxed onto my pillow after and settled in for her daynapping. While I was in the box, I snagged the freeze-dried strawberry treats I'd bought for my mice, and gave some to Houdini and Flora. Flora bit me, but then calmed down and alternated nibbble-tasting me (mice apparently get a great deal of information from nibbles. Or something) with munching on strawberries. I'll take it.

I laid next to Lady Miss Friday after work, thought some about grabbing vodka from Ralph's, but was mostly just waiting for it to be late enough I could justify sleep. Tim called asking to come over since he was by Tootie's and had my Xmas present. I asked him what he got....for Lady Miss Friday. Really, I'm delighted to discover the eternal answer to what people can get me for presents. Something for my kids. Him coming over finally gave me the push to pick up some. I hadn't gotten around to tossing the packaging from all the stuff that came in, even though I'd just vacuumed over the weekend, there was mouse bedding everywhere, etc. Tim showed up when I'd finished most of it, but still needed to re-vacuum. I was on a roll, so I kept going. He'd gotten me a cat matryoshka tea set. It's cute. I made him some tea, discovered I was out of the apple-cinnamon he requested, but also found a bottle of rum. I poured some into my Crystal Light.

Tim was upset about The Girls having free run of the place. Insisted that Lady Miss Friday's huntress nature would take over any day now, after 10-11 years no-showing. He asked again about my stance with booze, and when I mentioned I couldn't "play the tape out" with booze, and was scared of relapsing without it, he gave me enough details about when I was using to get me back in the safe zone. He noted that he wasn't upset about my drinking in and of itself, just the reasons I drank, and drank as much as I did. Apparently every addict ever has been on the same quest I am, to find a safe, effective recreational drug. I'm honestly shocked there aren't chemical & pharmaceutical companies trying to develop one. On the note of overloading nerves, he said I have nose blindness. I catch an occasional whif of ammonia if I let Mouse Kingdom go too long, but nothing other than that. I'm not really sure what to do about this when I've got company, except buy lots of air fresheners and Febreze. There are some fascinating scents available, and I'd previously bought a bunch of lilac and "clean linen" fresheners for having company. By which I mean Justin. I asked his advice on setting up the playground in Mouse Kingdom's Basement, but he just noted that I was overthinking it. I always try to get the best, most perfect item, and I end up paralyzed into inaction. I felt myself bobbing a bit, so I took my second pill, even though it was late. Spent a lot of time after that grinning like a fool at The Girls running around. Kind of an awkward time for that, but better than the alternative.

I woke up around midnight, and couldn't get back to sleep at all. Alternated trying to sleep with taking care of a few things and video games. I did manage to finally make the jerk vid for Esparza. Since it was a special occasion, I fucked my Fleshlight and myself at the same time. It wasn't a terrible cumshot, but it definitely wasn't up to par. Then i made another video, and still jerked off later in the morning, too. I didn't tape the 3rd one, but it was a great shot.

At my appointment, I learned I'm not due for labs until October, which I guess is fine. I also learned that I'm 169 lbs, which I think is the most I've ever weighed. And not that I trust BMI, but it puts me on the edge of Overweight on their scale. My doc wants me to slow down on my booze, since that increases the likelihood of a seizure. I'd have just given lip service to it, but given how little I've been eating, and yet still gaining weight.... I managed to not drink any, but only had 1.5 protein shakes total, no actual food.

Managed to get all my work done and claims processed, but only started on tagging the backload of claims. Jacob messaged me, still wanting to be boyfriends. I know I move fast, but I feel like we don't really know each other, so I'm worried about what he sees in me. He asked for cumshot vids, but he's not on MeWe or Twitter. I've got a few of them uploaded to Pornhub, but no idea which ones. Nicholas also messaged me, wanting to fuck again, maybe make a video or something. I agreed, but put it off until tomorrow. I wanna pickup my room at least a little, first.

I did finally managed to clean out Mouse Kingdom, so at least that voice will quiet down. I haven't seen Houdini in a while, but he's eating his food, so at least I know he's still alive. I smoked through most of the rest of my Heavy Hitter, but didn't seem to get very stoned. I thought more about G, especially since I'm gonna try to take a little break from booze, but I don't have many happy memories with it, now that I'm thinking of it.

Lady Miss Friday was most insistent that I get off the computer in the evening, and come lay with her instead. Crashed early, unsurprisingly...though I beat off a 4th time just before I did.

I woke up around 2:30, Tim had called me a couple times two hours prior, so I texted him but didn't hear back. Since I was up, I cleaned a little more, made sure to take my pills, and even another sleeping pill. I figured I don't need to get up in the morning, so I might as well not fuck up my sleep schedule.

Tim texted me in the morning, but I went back to sleep...only to wake up later when someone knocked on the door...and still went back to sleep. Then I heard the door open, and little paws on the ground. He had texted me last night to see if he could bring Pupple over, since the fireworks weren't as bad out here. He cooked up some soyrizo with a few produce items that hadn't quite gone bad yet. I had my usual cauldrons of coffee, but was still sleepy. He finally got around to listening to the acoustic version of "When Am I Gonna Lose You," and I shared with him the Season 3 Opening...Oh, Squeak. I kept downloading porn, cleaned more, including Houdini's cage, and Tim was going to take a shower, but fell asleep on my bed instead. I took Pupple out, both as a thank you to Tim for this past year, and to put off my drinking a little longer. Pupple, however, just pissed in the garden by the mailboxes and wanted to come back. Tim did shower, then took off around noon.

I ran out of things to download. Every model I was into, every kink I could think of I would be down to watch, even all the Behind The Scenes shots. My computer did freeze up once, because I'd had Firefox open too long, had too many tabs open, and too many items downloading at once. Moderation is not my strong suit. I took that opportunity to zip over to CVS for some numbing cream, while I was there, took a quick peak at their booze. CVS has always had good prices and great sales on booze. I imagine a lot of homeless alcoholics go there. I subscribed to the CVS membership. It'll be $5/month, starting next month, and I got $10 off today's purchase.

At home, I cooked up some tofu and added it to the leftover soyrizo, but had an extra half-shake and wasn't hungry. I noticed I hadn't received my text from Potmatess today, so I went to their website, and it was bassically the same deal as yesterday. B2G1F is pretty great on their *already* cheap vape cartridges, so I ordered 3 Heavy Hitters Northern Lights. I hadn't heard anything over an hour later, so I started drinking. I happened on a Tweet re: #freeBritney, and saw a few others I liked, so I followed. My first response to one of his Tweets got a reply of "Who tf are you?" His Tweet had gone somewhat viral, so the idea he would be surprised by a new Follower is insulting, and my condescension came out. Turns out he's a minor, but my security settings are such that he can't see anything Naughty anyway. He kept coming for me, I kept reading him. Even smiling makes my face ache.

Later in the evening, I was reading old (2016) journal entries, and got caught in a Boy & Bear loop, particularly Back Down The Black. It didn't seem quite like I remembered it differently...more acoustic. And I've been on both sides of what I think the song might be about. I shared it with the Music Group, bc I apparently hadn't shared them before, and of course offered to buy the album for anyone who wants it, but...crickets.

Early AF again, so I got on early and managed to upload that jerk off vid from a few weeks ago, and found it surprisingly popular despite my poor cumshot. When I got coffee, I noticed that in 3 days, I drank through a handle and a half of vodka.

I plowed into work, smoked weed all day, and finally managed to take care of basic hygiene that I'd been ignoring for too long. I almost got around to doing laundry, but Lady Miss Friday was sleeping next to my clothes, and I didn't want to wake her. I know. I accidentally making someone uncomfortable when he asked how my weekend was. He ended up making a post about it generally, and I found out that depression often results in neglecting hygiene. I guess I knew that, I just still have trouble believing in my problems.

Later in the night, I thought back to my telling Julian about addiction, and given the details there, decided it was absurd of me to feel like I wasn't a "real" addict simply because I didn't lose enough.

I managed to eat the last of the soy curls, but couldn't bring myself to make or eat anything else. I'm having food go bad on the regular here, because I haven't been eating as much. I went back to Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas, wondered what I'm gonna do when I get tired of it, and had a couple drinks that didn't really do anything for me. And my sleeping pill didn't work until after midnight.

I texted Julian in the morning, but he didn't get back to me until much later. I smoked some of the vape cartridges, drank a ton, sent a video of me jerking off to a fan, and watched Community. I also messaged Aimee about my Performance Wishlist. I need to pick 5, and this is where it gets tricky, because I'm going to start Lip Syncing in my living room, so I need to pick 5 songs that I would fuck up on my own. I'm thinking Give Me Love....and others. I asked for Tim's help choosing, but I was inexplicably Grumpy. And taking it out on Wrong People Online. Tim reminded me to put my fangs away, which is a note I've needed every now and again since I was a teenager.

In the afternoon, JJD referred me to a DM who's running games online. I had just been thinking of putting out a request for that! Timely! Also in the afternoon, Mitchell posted a video of sea otters on my page. It was adorable but....my brain is not nice to me with sea otters. Between learning a long time ago that adolescent males will rape and drown seal pups, and even female otters, and that video of the mother otter who goes insane when orcas eat her pups.....I at least managed to avoid re-watching that video. Instead I found a video of two pygmy goats named after Supreme Court Justices going to visit penguins.

When Julian did contact me, I was fairly tipsy and struggling to keep above the waves. But I told him all about my addiction, including the times I drove high, all my injuries, getting arrested, rehab,etc. Tim messaged me, irritated that I wouldn't hang up, and then pointed out that I don't actually have the power to help him how he needs.

Tim asked to come over for tofu scramble, mentioned he might bring Tammy as well. Bryan was up when I got up and also needed to go to the store. Apparently, he's been up for several days. Not high, mind you, just...up. For days. Naturally. I kept forgetting things I needed at the store, but also texted around inviting a few people. I invited my flight attendant, but he had some sort of bug. Apparently a good thing I didn't go over last night.

I started the tofu scramble, Tim came over with Pupple, Bryan finally crashed. Tim is concerned about the state of my living room, and I am too. Bryan has a lot of stuff, and living out of your suitcase isn't easy with one suitcase, much less one suitcase and several trash bags of stuff. Tami wasn't with him. Late night or something. He's going to find out if the various places he needs the extra 1k for will take credit card, since it's a bit much to ask for a grand literally right after borrowing 4. We briefly touched on other people, including Julian. I think the relationship would have been easier if we were the only two people on Earth. Tim thinks he he would have destroyed us anyway. I agree, I just think it would have taken longer.

My client from the other week texted, letting me know he mailed my umbrella to me. I reminded him I'd have been fine with him keeping it until next time, checked on him coming to the show. He said he wasn't sure, as he'd sent a few texts without a response. I've been excellent about communications, so I screencapped my texts with him. Apparently he forgot to press "send." I'm glad we cleared that up, as I'd hate for someone to think I didn't like them over a technological mishap.

Tim washed the dishes, which was nice of him, and wanted to run another few errands, but I had Peter coming over around 1. I was possibly supposed to fist him, but it was seriously like old times in terms of our passion. I rode him briefly, and he ended up cumming. I came for him as well, figuring that would make him not feel as bad about cumming quickly. Unfortunately, he actually wanted to make an afternoon of it, and would have been ready to go again later. I had social plans, though, and I'm rarely a multi-cummer anyway.

I met up with Bryan, Jon-Michael, and Colt at Gossip. Colt is visiting for a week or so, I had one drink there, but the boys wanted to stay in the gayborhood and I wanted to go to The Hole. Gave them a ride home, then to Babycakes, then finally off to the Hole. I bought a drink, chatted with a bunch of friends. I found McEwen and Paul, who apparently hadn't seen my latest porn shoot. He was mooneyed over a tall furry gent who took a liking to me. Also somewhat awkward was the nice guy who came up to me while I was chatting with McEwen to tell me I'm incredibly attractive and he wants to sleep with me. Flattering, but awkward.

McEwen was very hungry, but didn't really want to eat there, so we headed off to Mo's instead. Jess is now a hostess there, so we got seated right away. The biggest advantage was that we were sitting next to the DJ, and he ID'd a song for me. We only stayed at Mo's for one drink, and then I had to get home.

I just had an AWESOME weekend. I woke up on Saturday in time to go to dance class, which I haven't done in a long time. Ballet was fantastic, and Jazz was just alright. From there, I went to rehearsal for Over The Rainbow, which lasted just long enough for me to work up a sweat, and then it was off to the gym with the hubby. We swam a bunch, then went home to get ready for the party at SLB. The party alone would have been post-worthy, it was so good. Anna volunteered to DD (although her wonderful boyfriend Ray ended up as the actual DD), so it was one of those rare occaisons when Anthony and I could drink together. From the minute we got there, there was a very fun/love vibe in the air. Hugs and kisses and drinks and dancing abounded. Nicole gives rockin' dance. Dave-O needs to spend the night next time.
Sunday was not so hot, as I woke up disoriented and missing my pants, and I had chores to do. Dishes, grocery shopping, more dishes, off to Oceanside to clean. The night was almost a disaster, but I have the best husband on Earth, and he rescued my evening, and I finally got to sleep around 1 am. And now I go to dance class :).

Squeak