If you're here, you could be there.

Julian had messaged me late last night that he knew I wasn't talking to my mom. What? I figured he was probably mixing memories and largely ignored it. I wasn't really sure what to do with the day, but didn't put too much pressure on myself. I took a full Jazz warm-up in the living room, and it actually helped with my previous half-baked decision to hire choreographers. Now, of course, I'm fully baked any chance I get. Better than the alternative.

I finally checked and I was indeed in FB Jail just for acknowledging someone's trash status. I filed an appeal with their Decision Board or whatever it is. FB's Guidelines are as focused as they are lengthy about the various protected classes (sex, religion, national origin, etc), but nowhere is "impolite" banned. Julian messaged me about his appeal, and it was quite enlightening. He said they didn't fire him for tardiness, but that's the reason written on the discharge, and Arkansas has a special code section saying you're not eligible for UI if you're dismissed within the probationary period for attendance. He was fired on the last possible day. There's a little wiggle room still - his signature isn't on the time cards, and they're supposedly required to be on the phone before they clock in, which would be illegal in itself. And the day he no-showed there was a flood or something. I'll try to find something to support that. I'll figure out how to give him the best fighting chance he can get.

I'm sure any defense trial lawyer would get a good laugh at my shock that people lie, not just when the truth would do, but even when the truth would be more useful. I suppose I sort of see that in the client letters we get, too, proclaiming innocence even when there's DNA. And witnesses. And video. Posted to social media. He mentioned that on his trip, he wants to go to Coronado, get a mug for his mom. Fine by me. I care so much more about not having to decide than whatever we actually do. I'm aggressively accommodating. I'm also going to look up potential ideas.

I drank, of course, and at least had the presence to write down any ideas that scampered across my brain. Kelly covering the WWRY version of "A Kind of Magic," a recovery-themed re-write of Cher's "Believe," and even a work-friendly version of my frequent statements of assistance: "Badgers are helpful creatures." Would have been a lot more timely when the prevailing belief was in honey badger's indifference.

I remembered to look for a breathalyzer though most of them were battery operated. USB is just so much more convenient. I didn't decide on one, but it's not pressing. I heard a new track by Fleet Foxes, "The Shrine / An Argument," and for some reason, it reignited my fascination with suicide. That's obviously somewhat risky research to delve into, so I made sure I'd taken my meds and made a rule that if I started sinking, if I started ideation, I'd retreat. I saw A Broken Wing on the list of tracks about suicide, but the Wiki agreed with my assessment, that it's left, likely intentionally, open to interpretation. Black Hole Sun and Chandelier were also on there, so I read up. Chandelier is about addiction, depression, and The Quest. From Wiki: "Lyrically, the song has a melancholic theme, detailing the demoralisation and rationalisation of alcoholism through the thought process of a "party girl". More broadly, the song speaks to the fleeting feelings of release and abandon that come with intoxication, as well as the pain, guilt and emptiness that accompany addiction, alcoholism and hedonistic excess." It was a little odd to be drinking while reading that, so I called it a night.

I woke up much more ready to tackle the day and try to accomplish things in the new year. First stop was Ralph's, and I even wrote a list! I still had to convince myself to go, because I was mostly going for creamer, and my Depression Era Butchness tells me to just Man Up and drink black coffee so I can save that roughly dollar or so per week. It was finally the idea I could combine it with Discount Tire that pushed me over the edge. Naturally, when I got there, I realized I'd forgotten my list. And a mask. I was going to just put a cumrag over my face, eventually found one in one of the seat spaces (a mask, not a cumrag). One side was broken, but I was able to wrap it around my ear and get through it. A little while ago, I'd gone to Ralph's but left my phone at home to charge. I heard a track I wanted to Shazam, and while I'm happy I went ahead and asked the employees, it was ultimately unsuccessful. I heard another track this time, and this time I'd brought my phone! But it was ultimately unsuccessful. I'm not as upset over this one because it was closer to Okay than Great, but I'd thought that maybe it would be like Body Language or Clairy Browne. I also heard Shake Your Groove Thing in one of the aisles, and was as delighted as I was surprised to hear such a high energy track at 7 am when most of their music is significantly calmer. Turns out it was the employee standing behind me playing it off his phone or something. We had a good laugh and positive interaction. The mask convinced me not to try Discount Tire, but at least I resisted buying booze or candy.

Lenny messaged me again and it was a much more balanced conversation than yesterday. He's a gymnast, but broke his wrist and didn't have the medical coverage to get it taken care of at the time. He's gonna come take dance class with me & Amanda when we can again. My mom called, and it ended up being a two hour conversation, but only had a few awkward pauses. We're both working through ish we didn't even know we had. The topic of my addiction came up, and we went over again the absurd amount of patience Tim had to have to get me through it. I don't recall getting vicious with him, but she's mentioned it before, and brought it up again. She apparently wanted to fix it somehow, but everyone told her to leave me alone. I'm back to that complete befuddlement over where the line between enabling and helping starts. I found my way back into my Myspace, though a bunch of my photos are now gone. I also downloaded Marco Polo because she asked me to, but I don't see any real difference between it and any of the video clip apps out there. At least I managed to give her some advice about addressing her health, her insomnia, etc. Lady Miss Friday kept meowing at me, so I laid down with her. She ate breakfast - it is like the sweetest thing ever that it's not enough for me to be in the room, she wants me laying down while she eats. Or she just doesn't like me being on the computer because I was such a mess when I was using. Then she slept right next to me, and it was so touching I took like...a dozen pics.

It hadn't been quite a full month since I checked in on Justin, but I messaged him anyway. I wish he'd message me. Even when we were seeing each other, I pretty much always had to initiate contact, so maybe that's just him. Or maybe he's just not that into you. The conversation started brief, but I got him to open up some. He recently watched The Matrix, noted that it was a trans allegory, and has been considering the theory that none of this is real. There's some astrophysics theory that points to it as well. He dropped out of the conversation shortly after, but it at least gave me the chance to re-examine the film, my interpretations and takeaways, and the psychological implications involved. And doing so made me realize I'd allowed my apathy (bordering on resentment) of the rest of the trilogy color my view of the first one.

It was a very interesting day for Diplomacy. One of the trails I hunted down in the morning talked about motivational interviewing, and that led me to a reminder to work on my diplomacy. I picked the wrong week to stop biting people. I tried really hard to find common ground with people before educating them, and tried to educate them as gently and diplomatically as possible. One elderly gent huffed away when I asked for a clarification. But he also missed the sarcasm in my retort, and maybe we get along now? Willow had Copy/Pasted some Christian nonsense pretending to be oppressed. I mostly let it go previously, but some garbage started ranting at me, complaining about separation of church and state. When that didn't work, both of them started flat out lying. Paul, a really really attractive leather boy I got to fuck at one of Sean's parties, had been lamenting the mob mentality on the gaysovercovid IG, and posted some dystopian prediction that even after covid-19, no one will be "allowed" to celebrate anything or party. On the plus side, I finally learned how to use tag groups. And some dickhead tried to come for me over my AOC group. Ultimately, I think he was my favorite on account of his sheer ineptitude. Trying to retort to studies with Youtube clips and claiming (clearly and provably wrongly) that there is just as much violent extremism on the Left as the Right.

Ending the note on a purely positive note, Alan, who lives in LA and had previously worked on a documentary about sex workers (which is how we met), had posted an article referencing Heston and cancel culture. At some point I'm going to do a little more research on the topic in general, because there have been occasions where someone's faux pas has resulted in an internet mob making it impossible for them to find employment for years to come. But today was not that day, and tomorrow doesn't look good either. Heston's presence in the article alone should have been a giant red flag, because while I guess he used to be progressive, he flipped around 1970 and became the poster child for whiny privileged dolts throwing tantrums. I politely and diplomatically informed him the article was trash, and he messaged me. He's been depressed over the alienation and economic fallout over the last year. And he got a guiche. I'm not in any position to diagnose whether a person needs meds, therapy, or just lifestyle changes, and told him so, but I was able to talk him through the storm he was facing. As you're aware, I'm very open about my depression, and we touched on that time I ran out of my meds. I'd read a thing that defined toxic positivity as internalized relative privation. The idea that others have it worse, so we should just toughen up, not seek help, etc. That definition is incorrect, but it was useful in that moment, and I'm not sure what to call that phenomenon in reality. I had to tap out shortly after, because it was somewhere around 2am or so. In spite of my "diplomacy" resulting in almost just as much venom as I normally spit, I was really happy with my efforts from the day, and relaxed into sleep on the cloud of Lady Miss Friday snoring and Merryweather running around in my room.

Up in the dark, but between my meds and Lady Miss Friday, I managed to....not quite doze, but I guess just relax or something.

Travis's hit single "Sing" had been tickling around the back of my head while I went to sleep last night, and since it was still running around, I went ahead an posted it to the Music Group as Dusty. Naturally, I listened on repeat for a while, and found it striking me emotionally in a lighter version of what Polica's "Wandering Star" used to. I suppose that for all that I've acknowledged my own co-evolution regarding emotions, knowing the truth is not the same as being empowered to change it.

I had thought about buzzing my beard, both because it was getting too fuzzy and since basic hygiene is one of my therapy goals, as absurd as that sounds. I did, at least, not let perfect be the enemy of good and filled out the yearly review survey that management had asked for. It was surprisingly interesting, asking questions about recognition and reward. I avoided writing answers for the most part, since I'm aware something as simple as my speech pattern would be a dead give away. We had the weekly meeting, and it felt like some sort of milestone. Lynelle's voice shook when she talked about the year we've had and the importance of the survey, someone commented something in the vein of that Venn Diagram between Absolute Narcissism and Crippling Self Doubt, and Xochi recommended ashwagandha for sleep and numbing, but I think I've tried it before to try to get more/any precum, and nada. Din ended things talking about a recently deceased cat, and it turned into him talking about his father, who died around the same time. I don't have a relationship with Din where I could give insight on issues he hints at or alludes to, but doesn't claim, so I kept silent.

In the evening, I went moth hunting and watched the last of The Magicians. Moth-wise, I've killed a lot more manually than the traps have. Good? Since I can't help but make jokes, I always say "high-five, yo" when I smash them. Anything at all to distract from the horrid feeling. I also took a Seroquel, and my normal two a little early.

Possibly related, but I was unprepared for Q's line in The Magicians, "Did I do something brave to save my friends? Or did I finally find a way to kill myself?" I think it probably hit home the same way for a lot of folks who's waters are rife with heavy rip currents.

That same awkwardness and duality of being so content next to Lady Miss Friday...and therefore adding that to the reasons I'd be happy to not be here rose up, but it was thankfully just shortly before I fell asleep.

I woke up sobbing, and spent all morning flailing at the surface. More under than over, obv, but since I wasn't going to kill myself, because I still have Lady Miss Friday, I didn't think I needed help. And we're all aware how I feel about ever needing help. Tim was in the area, as he was about to go flyering for one of his candidates, and asked if he could swing by with Pupple. That became leaving Pupple while he went, and a brief discussion on how as he's gotten older, Pupple has wanted to stop and sniff like...exponentially more frequently on walks. He asked why I kept sniffling, which eventually led to him suggesting I ask to borrow meds from a friend. I posted to FB, and got a response within minutes. Zipped out to snag them, and the effect was as surreal as it was frightening. When Tim got back, we talked a little more. Apparently there's either a movement within psych saying folks shouldn't be on meds or that's the current science or something, so we don't become dependent on them. But at the same time, apparently before I started my meds, I was as bad or worse as the last couple days. I started watching some sketch show by Sarah Cooper, and Tim said it was *very* me ... While I'm suffocating laughing. There are worse ways.

I wanted to avoid drinking, so figured I'd combine carts and the last of my edibles, and hope Potmatess restocks Northern Lights and has a sale soon. I broke up my 500mg edible into 4 parts, commbined that with a cart, and did okay. I ended up beating off *a lot,* with some pretty awesome cumshots. I don't even remember how many times I managed to - 5? 7? I thought a lot about Justin, even though his realiti is as different from my memory as mine is.

Shockingly, I had a friend request from the gent I'd shredded over marriage yesterday. Always suspicious, I messaged him, but he confirmed his request to be Friends. We'll see how long he lasts. I also got a message from Eli, apologizing for losing his temper the other day. He did not re-Friend me, but I'm glad we're on good terms again. I thought more about Julian, and wondered what I should do there. Unable to decide on a plan of action, I did nothing.

Tim had said he wanted me to take him to Plumeria for his birthday, but they're only doing take-out, so he decided to come over instead. I'd been putting off a lot of chores, and even basic hygiene, so it was a very good opportunity to catch up on that. I stopped short of mopping, because that always takes so long, but did go above and beyond for everything else. I even moved the couch to vacuum under it....except in moving it back, I accidentally dragged it over my toe, and there's a bunch of blood under the nail now. Lady Miss Friday growled at some noise I couldn't hear and hid under the bed. I used that as an opportunity to ask for recommendations for a mobile vet, because I'll need one eventually. When Terry and I were talking to one another, he'd spoken several times about taking me with them when they move, as a roommate. I'm happy not having roommates, but the very first thought was how unhappy Lady Miss Friday gets when she's taken out of our cave. I won't put her through that again, and as you know, I still scream at myself, very loudly and very frequently, for not giving up G for her earlier. Keagan texted me to check in, and I was...me, and asked what I posted that made him check.

Scrolling FB after cleaning, I saw a post from DeAnthony discussing classical vs electronic music. The consensus was that classical music was three dimensional and electronic music lacked "soul." I wasn't entirely sure what was even meant by that, but I started browsing some tracks that I thought might fit. I ended up creating a playlist for it, so that I didn't end up just spamming the thread with link after link. I could, of course, have just posted all the links in one comment, but I actually hate when I have to do that and only the first one gets a preview. Doesn't feel fair to the others. The playlist spanned genres, realistically, but since the qualities I was hunting for were so vague, that's unsurprising. Here's the link (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWGgbQUduaUnN2fpfLEujcRobEGIsKbKu), and in case any of them get deleted or similar, here's a list: Bakermat - Teach Me, Armin Van Buuren - Shivers, M83 feat. Suzanne Sundfor - Oblivion, Tom Hangs feat. Shermanology - Blessed, Disclosure - You & Me (Flume Remix), Flume & Chet Faker - Drop The Game, Calvin Harris feat. Florence Welch - Sweet Nothing, Avicii feat. Audra Mae - Addicted To You, Avicii feat. Audra Mae - Addicted To You (Avicii Remix), CVRCHES - Do I Wanna Know? (cover of Arctic Monkey's track from Like A Version), Miike Snow - Silvia, Galleaux - Tether Me, Claire Guerreso - Ashes. I didn't think to add them at the time, but In This Life and In My Heart by Moby also go there (as does much of Moby's music, come to think of it), and I'll probably continue to add to it. I take music *very* seriously. There was some Goal Shifting, and he noted that it was the classical *elements* in the electronic tracks and vocals that contributed to the "soul" there. I kept my fangs sheathed, but pointed out we were talking about overall genres, not elements, and added him to the Music Group instead.

I was very very very frustrated that my Skywalker wasn't working for me, but thought I could help it along by adding a few drinks. It did, for a bit, but somewhere in the back of my head, I knew I was going to get drunk. And I felt Depression stalking me under the waves. Tim came over with Pupple a little after 6, we ordered from one of the delivery services - they had a $10 off coupon for first timers, so it actually ended up being slightly cheaper than getting it directly. It's a stupid thing, but I always try to tip in cash. I've heard of companies taking part of the tip when it's done via credit card, and of course when it's cash, the it's not noted for the IRS. Tim was absolutely *determined* to have a good time, forgave me for drinking, and spoke rationally about saving my life last year (he insists he just opened the door for me to save myself), and noted that my intended new religion sounds a lot like Buddhism. He's certainly endured worse from me, but on the celebration of his birthday.... After dinner, I decided to re-watch Boys In The Band (yet again), and apparently had never seen it before. I took that as my opportunity to post about it on FB. I meant to post about their lip sync to Heat Wave, but...booze. I did, at least, give somewhat realistic analysis on who I identify with, rather than just Mary Sue-ing myself as Harold.

Dove into work in the morning, but I didn't have much, so I borrowed from others. I didn't think they'd mind. Our server has been impossibly slow all week, and even without weed, everything feels......slow. I cooked up some tofu I'd taken out for Julian's visit. I'm at sort of a perfect nexus, because even my nonproduce foods are nearing their expiration date, but I've also figured out that if I can just avoid spending more (say, grocery shopping) before I pay my credit card next week, I'll come out ahead. To say nothing of when my HSA finally fucking pays on the claim they've been stalling on.

Colleen Liked the song I posted, but that little voice is back, telling me she doesn't really like it, was just doing it to win points. A new member commented on it, and posted a song of their own by San Ilya. I didn't care for it, but I'm grateful enough for the post that I will go through their entire fucking catalogue to find one I do, and thank them for it.

In the afternoon, I watched some Lucifer, then went hunting for a Mazikeen shirt. I didn't find one, but I did find a Reddit devoted to Lucifer, and it got me thinking about Sandman again. Yes, two paragraphs after talking about saving money, I considered spending nearly $200 on the complete collection. And considered ordering Mongolian stir-fry sauce online, since Ralph's only carries Mongolian BBQ. I also stole more claims, and then found one where the AOB had been caught in the spam filter. I always check it in case there's anything important, but clearly I'm not everyone. I sent an email to the other paralegals about it, noting also that I've been receiving mail that was filed days ago, and then spent the next 30 minutes terrified I was going to get in trouble for doing other's work.

Jae had messaged me earlier, but I didn't check it, and they messaged me again, asking me to please register, and noting there was a stipend for those who need it. It's a conference or similar by DecrimCA for sex workers. I registered for both days, but declined the stipend. I have a day job that pays my bills, for all that I'm still haunted by Depression Era Syndrome, that money should go to those who really need it. Jae also asked for help, as they're trying to set up a Sex Worker's Outreach Project in San Diego. I haven't forgotten that Jae was going to take over SWORN, then flaked and just ignored all messages. And I never will. I was willing to help though, as this is larger than my grudges, but all Jae said was they need help organizing. I asked them to be more specific, and....poof. No response.

Julian's dad left, and I guess he had to get up early, then couldn't fall asleep. Lorde knows I've got plenty of Seroquel if he wanted it, but he was grumpy and short with me, and declined.

I texted Tim after, to ask how his session with Candace went. It went well, and she said he should give me more credit. I was tipsy enough to fight that, but that knee-jerk reaction of disgust is obviously something I should probably deal with.

I also saw a post from Justin, labeled Justice, and messaged him about it. He wants to change his name. Apparently that was his original name, and since it's more gender neutral, he's going to swap to it. I didn't ask again about his gender identity - if there's news, it's his to share. I know it's a fairly simple process in CA to change your name, and offered to look into how to do it in Texas, but he's still registered here, so going to do it when he comes back to visit. Works for me.

I woke up a little before 2, vomited again, took a half a pill and laid back down with Lady Miss Friday. I haven't actually set an alarm in so long...not like I need it, I guess. I think I managed to sleep more, got logged in fine, and stayed EXTREMELY focused all day. There was a lot of work that needed covering while I was out, and Dave and Lynelle took care of most of it. I got my NOAs worked up, cases offered, D10's filed, mail entered, and started on the mountain of claims still in the queue.

Our meeting was surprisingly chill, Kathy just wanted to know: if you could have any job for one day, what would it be. Most people gave a few answers before settling on one, and LOTS of them want to travel. If I'm being practical, I'd just take Bezos's job for a day, and the amount of money I'd make in 8 hrs as him would be enough to retire. Such is the state of the world right now. As I've said for a long time, working at a marine mammal rescue might be stellar, but then I realized that they probably see a lot of tragic, horrible things, but just post stuff from the happier cases. I dunno, maybe a dancer, then.

After work, I journaled more, started trying to think of goals for therapy. It's tricky. And a lot of them are at least starting out fairly vague. I managed to get two today - figure out my relationship dysfunctions, and remember more of my childhood. We'll see what happens.

Continuing my theme of getting back on the ball, I cleaned more. These things hunt me if I don't do them. Mouse Kingdom, vacuuming, the rest of the trash and recycling and dishes..... Houdini literally took several naps in the middle of his tube, and I felt the Reaper looming. Every day is a victory.

I found myself in that odd place from both depression and addiction, where I had no interest in anything. I didn't even want to drink. I was just waiting for bed time so I could sleep next to Lady Miss Friday and get back to work. It occurred to me I might have missed a couple antidepressant doses, so I fixed that. I watched "I'm Thinking of Ending Things" on Netflix, though I was only half paying attention for a lot of it. The dance at the end is beautiful, though I didn't understand....most of it, really, and especially whatever importance they're giving pigs infected with maggots. I didn't even know that could happen, but Nature is its own Horror Story.

Tim called just as I was laying down for bed and texting with Julian. I probably should have had a pen and paper with me, because I did ask him about Therapy Goals, but we've kind of had that discussion so many times, and my overly simplified thinking, ironically being so Goal Oriented is a huge problem. I get so focused on that Goal, I don't really pay attention to anything else. He cited my lack of patience when it comes to media. I can rarely be bothered to sit through something, but I read A LOT of summaries and synopsis. Goal Oriented. He did come back to sort of that same query Warren had. Warren wondered why I got so addicted to G. Tim wondered why I'm so desperate for numbness. Kind of an ironic query on a night that I didn't feel like using. But it does reinforce his initial analysis. I want to be numb because I'm depressed and suicidal, and numbness is as close as I can get to that without actually tapping out. But that's apparently circular, so maybe I should add the strong desire to be numb to the Goals? He mentioned my various musical obsessions, and the need for patience from others (and him) regarding them, but I don't recall the point of that one.

Another wonderfully productive day. Some melody kept tickling my brain all morning, much like Annie Lennox's verse in "Why" did yesterday. I finally pounced on "Back Down the Black,"....the same song I've been listening to for days now. Oh, Squeak.

I thought a lot about the spare G, but playing the tape bassically lights it all on fire. Instead, I smoked, drank, and took the 500 mg edible that came for free with my last order. I got pretty blissfully loopy. I read about a company putting out a Shatter Vape Cartridge, but on further investigation, not only does no one carry them, they're not as strong as the vape carts I've been at.

I also didn't get around to making a new jerk vid, so I didn't post one, either. I've got all weekend. I'll get there. I stumbled on a "new" song by Iron & Wine, called "The Trapeze Swinger." I spent the rest of the night swapping back and forth between that and "Back Down The Black," and something about the melody or lyrics in "Trapeze Swinger" also brought to mind "I Will Follow You Into The Dark."

In the evening, a Friend hit me up because he recalled seeing something about mental health on my Wall, and wanted to check in. I am, as always, very open about everything. We talked about depression despite meds, the difficulty in getting a therapist, and in making progress with a therapist. We're both bad at therapy, which actually made me feel a little less shitty about being bad at therapy. I hadn't actually realized I had clinical Severe Depression until I saw it on paper.

Woke up a little early, but it was close enough to 5 that I just stayed up. I saw that some of the trash jerking each other off online had kept up after I went to bed....so tempting to wade back in. I'd like to be big about this, but it was realistically because wading back into a flame war after it's over is a losing move. I'd hoped to upload and take another video, but...couldn't bring myself to before work. Then all during the day kept clucking at myself for not making enough videos, for making them so boring, for being fat, for being ancient....

I'd made a mistake on one of the NOAs from yesterday, but Kathy emailed me as soon as I logged in that she would take care of it. I appreciate it, but that one part of my brain always wonders if they're just checking to make sure I respond back. I should probably address my trust issues if I ever get back into therapy, as I suddenly remember that for many years I worried that FHA and Aimee were serial killers just waiting for me to let me guard down. Or the many partners I couldn't sleep or even be next to over the years because I was terrified they'd sprout tentacles or be secretly a spider or something. At the same time, I hear that standard voice in my head (which now sounds like my last therapist). "Well, if you think your partner is going to kill you or transform into a monster, you have to decide whether to stay next to them! Problem solved!" Lady Miss Friday had been complaining all morning, so I spent my lunch break laying next to her on the bed. She actually laid touching me.

Ryan had posted a few FaceApp or whatever it is..a few of him older, a few sex-swaps... One of the sex swaps tingled the back of my brain...I thought maybe Chelsea Peretti? But 1) that was wrong, and 2) I thought for sure it must be a musical artist. Thankfully, I recently watched Introduction to Felt Surrogacy from Community, featuring "YES, That's An Adventure" and Sara Bareilles, and that was it. I hesitated to comment, since it was full of comments already, but it turns out a lot of folks agreed.

I saw one of my girls grooming, and nearly lost my mind in screaming paranoia about Bubbles. I bought more vodka after work... Two handles in 5 days might be a record for me. Smoked through a fully charged vape pen... Still looking for a New Drug, as I have been for many years. I did, at least, manage to upload and take a jerk off vid. It was quite possibly the best cumshot I've ever had on camera. I dearly fucking hope my webcam got it.

Megan posted that she's looking for a place in Portland, and I was going to at least share it but... Ugh. Battlefield. But later Tim tagged me back in that post, and Megan asked to see us when she visits. It took a lot of scrambling, but I eventually invited her and Colleen over... For a dinner that Tim and I will cook.

Thanks to Ryan's picture, I listened to Sara Bareilles, then realized I hadn't posted it to the Music Group, and was going to watch Community all night. Brendan posted a Lord Huron song exactly one minute after I posted mine.... I resisted the urge to delete my post, both because I'd tagged Ryan in it, and because... Come on. I do, however, take posts in the group very seriously, and I know there was a Lord Huron song I loved, so I listened.

It hit me like a freight train. My new double sneer attached itself, and some sort of liquid kept getting onto my face. My thoughts were... Complicated. Lady Miss Friday to the rescue, as she demanded I lay next to her again. She doesn't like the weight management Friskies as much as the seafood, but... This feels like a good compromise between enabling and having My Love die early from weight complications. When I was listening to Silver Lining on repeat, I wondered how she felt hearing the same song on repeat... And started screaming over her having dealt with depression, addiction, etc.

I asked Patrick about the other song by Lord Huron, and despite him initially thinking I was talking about Lorde and my initially just hearing The Night We Met everywhere, I think he tagged it with Love Like Ghosts. Then I went immediately back to The Night We Met on repeat for the rest of the night. Time flies, y'all.

Ashley had messaged me back while I slept with her and Jake's sizes. Just gotta wait for a sale now! Tim had tagged me in a post by Colleen, so I went ahead and Friended her. I kept drinking and smoking, watched Community. Happened on the episode featuring Sophie B. Hawkins, and was delighted by it.

By the afternoon, my mood had taken a fall, though, and I did not successfully avoid that otter screaming this time. Took out my anger on some fools online