If you're here, you could be there.

In my conversations yesterday, one of the gents I spoke to lives in Missouri, and is quite adorable. He offered me literally anything I wanted (that he could provide) if I would come out and visit. I said I would think about it, but it's not very likely. Sure, because he's not wealthy or a client, but mostly because of my growing codependency with Lady Miss Friday. I did offer to help with the airfare if he wanted to come out here, though. And then immediately felt crushing guilt, like I was cheating on Julian. I am aware that we're no good for each other, but as you're aware, I also have monstrous, festering guilt over "getting over" anyone.

I stayed focused all day, and remembered to make sure my webcam was cooperating in time for the Zoom meeting. Ishared my new mask with everyone, and found out Scotch almost died earlier this week. I gave what comfort I could, but forgot that extremely important, if unfortunate, note that the best possible scenario is to outlive them. Pets who's owner dies first have a very rough go of it.

Potmatess was still out of Northern Lights....and actually, in searching their site, they were out of all brands of Northern Lights. But they did have a B2G1 on vapes, so I snagged a Skywalker OG and OG Kush from Alpine, and a Napalm OG from Big Chief. Unfortunately, the OG Kush seems to be defective, and the Napalm OG, ineffective. The Skywalker is not horrid, but I still took edibles and drank.

In scrolling back through my FB, I noticed Patrick's name wasn't highlightable any more and I couldn't find him by searching. Even I'm not so paranoid that I thought he blocked me, but I did call him to check in. He just dropped his FB because he needs to focus on school. We actually talked for quite some time, despite my inebriation.

Xochi's package from UPS arrived, and when I opened it, it turned out to be a menorah. She wrote an amazing note with it, and my eyes watered. It reinforced that despite all my failings, ADI is is the right place for me.

I actually thought it was the weekend when I woke up. I did manage to get to work on time, but my remote connection did a weird thing where just the desktop was remote connected. All the shortcuts at the bottom still went to my home computer, etc. I managed to find a workaround so I could do eservice, but couldn't actually upload anything. Restarting my computer fixed it, eventually.

I had an order confirmation from a shirt place....apparently squeaked Squeak screencapped the video and made a shirt after all. I hope it comes out okay, but...I've spent more on less either way. I got a notification a few days ago that Alanis released a new single, "Reckoning," and it's okay...but then Youtube suggested another single, "Reasons I Drink," and I fell in love. Chris, who I only ever knew by his FB name "Tiffany Haddish," messaged me on Instagram. He had an Adderall addiction, but has since gotten clean. We talked about addiction and about music - he associates Fiona with me, the same way Richard associates Kelly with me. I'm delighted. He's also a fan of Nikka Costa, and shared an artist called Jay Som with me. She's *very* 90's, and I'm gonna listen to more of her stuff....as soon as I'm done listening Reasons I Drink. Just a few minutes, I'm sure. At one point, he asked me if I felt like my addiction had to happen. I said for a long time that I was an addict looking for a substance, so...yeah, kinda.

I got an email from some foreign pharmacy, but I couldn't find anything that looked fun to do. I might buy Wellbutrin from them, though, since my doc stopped my prescription.

Julian had messaged me. He fucked a guy in his back yard, and apparently the nerves in his eyes are dying, and he'll be blind in 5 years. Genes, and there's nothing to be done about it. Jacob also messaged me, but after talking more, he's not going to come out. I hadn't realized 1) that he grew long hair and 2) he looks sort of like Julian. And Nicholas messaged me again, wanting to hook up. I was honest with him about being embarrassed about the state of my room. And I messaged Kenneth to hire him to organize it. He agreed to do it for $100, which is cheaper than I was expecting, but I have no idea how much it should cost. He's gonna come over tomorrow after work. Sebastian also messaged me, since he'd come on over my first Guybone scene (literally). I was very honest with him about my anxiety over shooting it, since Stephen is in such great shape. I also invited him to the Music Group, though he declined, and we got to talking about RPGs. He feel the same way I do about Rose from Legend of Dragoon, and also wants Meru's outfit. It brought to mind the Necrophim from Nightbane again, and I do still hope to write a story incorporating that philosophy.

I meant to download more porn and beat off, but since I was already listening to Reasons I Drink..I drank instead. Got snarky AF with a couple Trumpets, and fools supporting the gestapo. I also downloaded some new games. Apparently some company made a game based on Dragon Heroes, but not a shmup, just a more advanced version of the Arena. Mostly just made me miss the original, tbh. I did manage to find a fantasy shmup, though, and I played that a lot. Squeaked Squeak wanted to share the new Alanis song with *everyone,* and of course I started with FHA. I hadn't realized he had a quote from Fiona's "On The Bound" on his profile. Wonderful.

I woke up around midnight, and couldn't get back to sleep at all. Alternated trying to sleep with taking care of a few things and video games. I did manage to finally make the jerk vid for Esparza. Since it was a special occasion, I fucked my Fleshlight and myself at the same time. It wasn't a terrible cumshot, but it definitely wasn't up to par. Then i made another video, and still jerked off later in the morning, too. I didn't tape the 3rd one, but it was a great shot.

At my appointment, I learned I'm not due for labs until October, which I guess is fine. I also learned that I'm 169 lbs, which I think is the most I've ever weighed. And not that I trust BMI, but it puts me on the edge of Overweight on their scale. My doc wants me to slow down on my booze, since that increases the likelihood of a seizure. I'd have just given lip service to it, but given how little I've been eating, and yet still gaining weight.... I managed to not drink any, but only had 1.5 protein shakes total, no actual food.

Managed to get all my work done and claims processed, but only started on tagging the backload of claims. Jacob messaged me, still wanting to be boyfriends. I know I move fast, but I feel like we don't really know each other, so I'm worried about what he sees in me. He asked for cumshot vids, but he's not on MeWe or Twitter. I've got a few of them uploaded to Pornhub, but no idea which ones. Nicholas also messaged me, wanting to fuck again, maybe make a video or something. I agreed, but put it off until tomorrow. I wanna pickup my room at least a little, first.

I did finally managed to clean out Mouse Kingdom, so at least that voice will quiet down. I haven't seen Houdini in a while, but he's eating his food, so at least I know he's still alive. I smoked through most of the rest of my Heavy Hitter, but didn't seem to get very stoned. I thought more about G, especially since I'm gonna try to take a little break from booze, but I don't have many happy memories with it, now that I'm thinking of it.

Lady Miss Friday was most insistent that I get off the computer in the evening, and come lay with her instead. Crashed early, unsurprisingly...though I beat off a 4th time just before I did.

I woke up to a text from Julian, asking if he can visit for Pride this year. I've got a whirlpool of emotions regarding him, but gave a tentative yes. I saw Justin online, too, speaking of emotional whirlpools. He hadn't even Seen my last message to him from Sunday night, and I'm letting that go.

Kept busy during the day, took the CA MCLE marathon from PLI. Not only is it convenient, but apparently how much your organization uses the programs factors into whether you get approved for next year's scholarship application. Norman messaged me in the morning, randy AF. I meant to make a video of me jerking for him, but never got around to it.

Patrick messaged me in the afternoon, as apparently their landlord is trying to break the lease early. They can't do that without cause or money. The court would just...ignore anything they tried to file. Then he let me know that might be down to move out early....I think he should keep that part quiet, and just sort of hint that they need financial assistance to move out.

I shared Christina's Heaven Sent metaphor with yet another person struggling, and finally asked her about sharing it. It wasn't my best writing, and looking back now it's likely because I always try to talk around the topic of suicide.
I also finally got around to going onto a drug forum. There's a lot of recovery information on there, as well as forums about drug use. I didn't go very in depth there, but I didn't see anything that piqued my interest.

Woke up at 5, which was less than ideal. Tried to make use of the time, at least, by edging and getting clean. Should have made coffee, but by the time I gave up on sleep, I didn't want to risk that upsetting my stomach. Christian showed up on time, tried on the suit - it actually fits him better than it does me, since he's a bigger boy. We packed up the car and headed out.

I'd have liked for us to shoot the intro again, but I'm just as bad as a newbie when it comes to asking for another take, or stopping the action, etc. The shoot itself went great. I topped him in a couple positions, he fucked me in several positions. The flies were all over us, and we should probably have some way of holding down the sheets on subsequent shoots, but the sex was pretty hot. He took a bit to cum, and had possibly the loudest orgasm in porn history. My shot was fairly disappointing, for me. It landed square on his chest symbol, though, so that's kind of perfect.

He declined to stay for the orgy, but maybe wanted to go out later. The orgy participants, predictably, started asking for menu specifics. How many guys, how many tops/bottoms, needing pics, etc. I'm not really here for that, and I told them as much. Bryan was home playing Dragon Age, and while I'll kick someone out if I have work, tricks can grow the fuck up if they have a problem. I'd have invited him to join in, but he apparently has a fissure in his ass and gonorrhea and/or chlamydia in his dick. So that's not gonna work. Most people no-showed, but that's why you accept so many RSVP's - because 90% of them aren't going to cum. We ended up with a 4 way, and it worked better than previous 4 ways I've had. It helps that me and the guest of honor were both vers. We fucked each other, the two tops took turns fucking us, everyone came in me.

Tim showed up just as we were finishing up, Bryan still playing Dragon Age. One of the tops, another Eric, decided to go to The Hole with me, but Tim needed to take my car and get fuel first. On the drive out there, Eric ran his fingers through my hair. The Hole was surprisingly not crowded. I bought us drinks but opted to keep it to just one. Briefly chatted with Jason and Paul - Paul was dressed as an Easter Bunny and handing out little chocolate eggs. Perfect, really. We ran into Jake, and ended up talking to him for most of the rest of the time there. He wants Eric to come down again for various house music festivals. I want them both to fuck me and to get it on video.

It also got very cold very fast as the afternoon stretched on, so I offered to make dinner for Eric. TJ's had closed at 5, which ruined my plans for dumplings, but I got sweet and sour "pork" at Ralph's instead. Tim was predictably still at my place. He'd gotten sucked into watching Iron Fist with Bryan. Bryan would later tell me that he stopped playing Dragon Age because Tim kept making obnoxious remarks.

Dinner came out fine, Eric curled up on the couch with me, talking to other boys online about me. I told him I was fine with having whoever he wanted over, or just keeping it us. I'm easy. He ended up having a bottom over. The bottom was a tall man with a *massively* thick dick. Also more than a little weird, and more than a little pushy when it came to getting loads. I pretended to cum in him while I was Lucky Pierre, then actually came while Eric was fucking me. My dick and ass were both chafed and sore as fuck from fucking all day, so it was more to suggest an end than it was out of a pressing need. Eric jerked off again, the bottom left, and we fell asleep. I thought about sending him home so Lady Miss Friday could have her bed back, but it got later and later, and I finally just turned out the lights.

I just had an AWESOME weekend. I woke up on Saturday in time to go to dance class, which I haven't done in a long time. Ballet was fantastic, and Jazz was just alright. From there, I went to rehearsal for Over The Rainbow, which lasted just long enough for me to work up a sweat, and then it was off to the gym with the hubby. We swam a bunch, then went home to get ready for the party at SLB. The party alone would have been post-worthy, it was so good. Anna volunteered to DD (although her wonderful boyfriend Ray ended up as the actual DD), so it was one of those rare occaisons when Anthony and I could drink together. From the minute we got there, there was a very fun/love vibe in the air. Hugs and kisses and drinks and dancing abounded. Nicole gives rockin' dance. Dave-O needs to spend the night next time.
Sunday was not so hot, as I woke up disoriented and missing my pants, and I had chores to do. Dishes, grocery shopping, more dishes, off to Oceanside to clean. The night was almost a disaster, but I have the best husband on Earth, and he rescued my evening, and I finally got to sleep around 1 am. And now I go to dance class :).

Squeak