If you're here, you could be there.

I woke up much more ready to tackle the day and try to accomplish things in the new year. First stop was Ralph's, and I even wrote a list! I still had to convince myself to go, because I was mostly going for creamer, and my Depression Era Butchness tells me to just Man Up and drink black coffee so I can save that roughly dollar or so per week. It was finally the idea I could combine it with Discount Tire that pushed me over the edge. Naturally, when I got there, I realized I'd forgotten my list. And a mask. I was going to just put a cumrag over my face, eventually found one in one of the seat spaces (a mask, not a cumrag). One side was broken, but I was able to wrap it around my ear and get through it. A little while ago, I'd gone to Ralph's but left my phone at home to charge. I heard a track I wanted to Shazam, and while I'm happy I went ahead and asked the employees, it was ultimately unsuccessful. I heard another track this time, and this time I'd brought my phone! But it was ultimately unsuccessful. I'm not as upset over this one because it was closer to Okay than Great, but I'd thought that maybe it would be like Body Language or Clairy Browne. I also heard Shake Your Groove Thing in one of the aisles, and was as delighted as I was surprised to hear such a high energy track at 7 am when most of their music is significantly calmer. Turns out it was the employee standing behind me playing it off his phone or something. We had a good laugh and positive interaction. The mask convinced me not to try Discount Tire, but at least I resisted buying booze or candy.

Lenny messaged me again and it was a much more balanced conversation than yesterday. He's a gymnast, but broke his wrist and didn't have the medical coverage to get it taken care of at the time. He's gonna come take dance class with me & Amanda when we can again. My mom called, and it ended up being a two hour conversation, but only had a few awkward pauses. We're both working through ish we didn't even know we had. The topic of my addiction came up, and we went over again the absurd amount of patience Tim had to have to get me through it. I don't recall getting vicious with him, but she's mentioned it before, and brought it up again. She apparently wanted to fix it somehow, but everyone told her to leave me alone. I'm back to that complete befuddlement over where the line between enabling and helping starts. I found my way back into my Myspace, though a bunch of my photos are now gone. I also downloaded Marco Polo because she asked me to, but I don't see any real difference between it and any of the video clip apps out there. At least I managed to give her some advice about addressing her health, her insomnia, etc. Lady Miss Friday kept meowing at me, so I laid down with her. She ate breakfast - it is like the sweetest thing ever that it's not enough for me to be in the room, she wants me laying down while she eats. Or she just doesn't like me being on the computer because I was such a mess when I was using. Then she slept right next to me, and it was so touching I took like...a dozen pics.

It hadn't been quite a full month since I checked in on Justin, but I messaged him anyway. I wish he'd message me. Even when we were seeing each other, I pretty much always had to initiate contact, so maybe that's just him. Or maybe he's just not that into you. The conversation started brief, but I got him to open up some. He recently watched The Matrix, noted that it was a trans allegory, and has been considering the theory that none of this is real. There's some astrophysics theory that points to it as well. He dropped out of the conversation shortly after, but it at least gave me the chance to re-examine the film, my interpretations and takeaways, and the psychological implications involved. And doing so made me realize I'd allowed my apathy (bordering on resentment) of the rest of the trilogy color my view of the first one.

It was a very interesting day for Diplomacy. One of the trails I hunted down in the morning talked about motivational interviewing, and that led me to a reminder to work on my diplomacy. I picked the wrong week to stop biting people. I tried really hard to find common ground with people before educating them, and tried to educate them as gently and diplomatically as possible. One elderly gent huffed away when I asked for a clarification. But he also missed the sarcasm in my retort, and maybe we get along now? Willow had Copy/Pasted some Christian nonsense pretending to be oppressed. I mostly let it go previously, but some garbage started ranting at me, complaining about separation of church and state. When that didn't work, both of them started flat out lying. Paul, a really really attractive leather boy I got to fuck at one of Sean's parties, had been lamenting the mob mentality on the gaysovercovid IG, and posted some dystopian prediction that even after covid-19, no one will be "allowed" to celebrate anything or party. On the plus side, I finally learned how to use tag groups. And some dickhead tried to come for me over my AOC group. Ultimately, I think he was my favorite on account of his sheer ineptitude. Trying to retort to studies with Youtube clips and claiming (clearly and provably wrongly) that there is just as much violent extremism on the Left as the Right.

Ending the note on a purely positive note, Alan, who lives in LA and had previously worked on a documentary about sex workers (which is how we met), had posted an article referencing Heston and cancel culture. At some point I'm going to do a little more research on the topic in general, because there have been occasions where someone's faux pas has resulted in an internet mob making it impossible for them to find employment for years to come. But today was not that day, and tomorrow doesn't look good either. Heston's presence in the article alone should have been a giant red flag, because while I guess he used to be progressive, he flipped around 1970 and became the poster child for whiny privileged dolts throwing tantrums. I politely and diplomatically informed him the article was trash, and he messaged me. He's been depressed over the alienation and economic fallout over the last year. And he got a guiche. I'm not in any position to diagnose whether a person needs meds, therapy, or just lifestyle changes, and told him so, but I was able to talk him through the storm he was facing. As you're aware, I'm very open about my depression, and we touched on that time I ran out of my meds. I'd read a thing that defined toxic positivity as internalized relative privation. The idea that others have it worse, so we should just toughen up, not seek help, etc. That definition is incorrect, but it was useful in that moment, and I'm not sure what to call that phenomenon in reality. I had to tap out shortly after, because it was somewhere around 2am or so. In spite of my "diplomacy" resulting in almost just as much venom as I normally spit, I was really happy with my efforts from the day, and relaxed into sleep on the cloud of Lady Miss Friday snoring and Merryweather running around in my room.

Since Julian will be here in 5 days, I finally dragged myself to TJ's for wine, beer, "meatballs," snacks, etc. Such a small thing, and yet....much like crossing things off a to-do list provides positive feelings, having something hanging over you eventually starts to bleed into other areas. Given that I didn't have any concrete plans, I figured it would be a good time to announce his visit. It....didn't go as planned. Plenty of Likes, but not so much on the interest. FHA messaged me about the visit, and it started my thoughts. Ultimately, he's coming out again because he keeps asking, and I'm terrible about saying no. I'm trying not to get my paranoia all over this, but I do have a feeling Julian is secretly hoping to get adopted by me, essentially. In talking, FHA reminded me of the physical instances between me and Julian. I'm aware I'm the absolute King of Making Excuses for Others, and this in particular would be textbook, so I muzzled those thoughts.

Sean hit me up, asking initially about how I'm doing generally, then asking about my meds. He subtly reminded me of dysmorphia, and that I can't really be trusted to judge my weight or appearance. Regarding meds, I've noticed that if I miss one, it just makes the slope a little more slippery. If that makes sense.

Tim's neighbor, Chris, who I've known for a long time, but though we've both expressed interest, have never made it beyond acquaintances, hit me up for a board game night during the visit. Of course, I was gonna try to set up a theme, but Chris doesn't have a onesie, and I don't have enough animal hats to go around, since my bunny hat was stolen. Julian messaged me later with a hip hop duo performing "Liquorice" by Azealia Banks. It was quite decent, and you can tell the choreographer has a tap background. It got a little awkward when he asked if I was excited for his visit, and then asked about Justin. I could swear I've already told him my history there, but he was mostly focused on which of their dicks is bigger. Lorde.

I put on a shirt and picked up a bit for my individual meeting with Kathy, and we talked some about how it makes *total* sense to go from psych to dance to law, then circle back around to psych. Lawyers are supposed to have a Silver Tongue, and I'm not sure if it's that or I just think too much (or both). While the connection to the law was lacking, psych and dance was an easy target, since so many folks use dance as a substitute for therapy. It got me thinking about Miriam's class, and that one lyrical combination where she commented that I was working through some ish on the dance floor. I don't remember the details, but we somehow also got onto the topic of societal pressure towards stoicism, and its roots in machismo. It got me wondering how related to the U.S. that is. Finally, she asked about the Zoom meetings for work, and told me she specifically wanted my opinion specifically because I think so deep and often have a wildly different perspective. I'm gonna look up other Zoom games for the meetings.