If you're here, you could be there.

I was surprised when I woke up with almost no hangover and over half the handle of wine still there. To reward myself, I drank the other half. Colleen was really touched by my short playlist, and I was grateful I usually manage to stay on the "quirky" side of the Weird Spectrum. I had a text from Julian notifying me that Border Patrol had declined to proceed with the interview process.

I managed to stay fairly productive, really, as in spite of identifying again with Britney's cameo in Will & Grace, I figured out how to forward ports again, but then when I looked, they weren't open, so I'm still missing something in the equation. Because I really like my character Escapæ, I settled on making Lilith for solo games, and I'll play Escape when/if I ever figure out the multi-player. Julian called, and on investigation, it turned out him owning up to smoking weed out here was the block. I'll take "Questions You Kind of Wish You Hadn't Asked" for %500, Alex. He was sort of defeatist about it, like him not getting this meant he was doomed to a career of pumping gas. Only a Mostly Dead industry. I've been there, actually. Placing Herzogian hope on something so crazy, it might just work! But is really so unlikely it's an asymptote to impossible. I pushed again for him to go to school, and had rational, honest answers to all the potential problems with it. I saw Tim messaging me, and I thought the conversation was at a good stopping place, so I swapped over. Tim and my's conversation, among other discussions, brought up that I can't be anywhere near the level of disciplinarian that Julian needs in his life, and half-joked that he would just feed me the lines a la Cyrano and we could help Julian together. I'm Goal Oriented, so....

Julian asked me to call him as soon as I was done, but the subsequent conversation seemed to be quietly flailing. Like....it could've been that he was just bored and trying to shift the responsibility for the boredom onto me, or it could be that he didn't want to be alone because some grievous wound he's had for ages finally registered. Like the Black Knight suddenly saying "AAAAH MY ARMS AND LEGS WHAT THE FUCK!!!" but y'know....subtle. Unfortunately, I am nowhere near qualified to interrogate that out of anyone, so I eventually let the conversation dissolve. I just read back through the first part of this entry and I'm not quite as lost as I thought. I think.

I finally hit the next level up in that Hawk advertisement game and hoped it would trigger whatever cookie it sends and send my in-game payment. Strangely, I was kind of relieved they didn't. That game is preying on nostalgia and the people holding on because it once was good, or they've invested so much time already, it would be so gauche to have spent all that time and have nothing to show for it. So fuck 'em. It's not like Shmups are rare. Suing them, even just as an interjection, is the last thing I want to do, but it's still on my list.

I kept thinking about running over and picking up more wine, but I guess you could call it playing the tape out. I thought of all the calories, indigestion/vomiting, the hangovers, the frustration at lacking the self-control to moderate reenacted over and over...I managed to not go, so yay me.

I woke up much more ready to tackle the day and try to accomplish things in the new year. First stop was Ralph's, and I even wrote a list! I still had to convince myself to go, because I was mostly going for creamer, and my Depression Era Butchness tells me to just Man Up and drink black coffee so I can save that roughly dollar or so per week. It was finally the idea I could combine it with Discount Tire that pushed me over the edge. Naturally, when I got there, I realized I'd forgotten my list. And a mask. I was going to just put a cumrag over my face, eventually found one in one of the seat spaces (a mask, not a cumrag). One side was broken, but I was able to wrap it around my ear and get through it. A little while ago, I'd gone to Ralph's but left my phone at home to charge. I heard a track I wanted to Shazam, and while I'm happy I went ahead and asked the employees, it was ultimately unsuccessful. I heard another track this time, and this time I'd brought my phone! But it was ultimately unsuccessful. I'm not as upset over this one because it was closer to Okay than Great, but I'd thought that maybe it would be like Body Language or Clairy Browne. I also heard Shake Your Groove Thing in one of the aisles, and was as delighted as I was surprised to hear such a high energy track at 7 am when most of their music is significantly calmer. Turns out it was the employee standing behind me playing it off his phone or something. We had a good laugh and positive interaction. The mask convinced me not to try Discount Tire, but at least I resisted buying booze or candy.

Lenny messaged me again and it was a much more balanced conversation than yesterday. He's a gymnast, but broke his wrist and didn't have the medical coverage to get it taken care of at the time. He's gonna come take dance class with me & Amanda when we can again. My mom called, and it ended up being a two hour conversation, but only had a few awkward pauses. We're both working through ish we didn't even know we had. The topic of my addiction came up, and we went over again the absurd amount of patience Tim had to have to get me through it. I don't recall getting vicious with him, but she's mentioned it before, and brought it up again. She apparently wanted to fix it somehow, but everyone told her to leave me alone. I'm back to that complete befuddlement over where the line between enabling and helping starts. I found my way back into my Myspace, though a bunch of my photos are now gone. I also downloaded Marco Polo because she asked me to, but I don't see any real difference between it and any of the video clip apps out there. At least I managed to give her some advice about addressing her health, her insomnia, etc. Lady Miss Friday kept meowing at me, so I laid down with her. She ate breakfast - it is like the sweetest thing ever that it's not enough for me to be in the room, she wants me laying down while she eats. Or she just doesn't like me being on the computer because I was such a mess when I was using. Then she slept right next to me, and it was so touching I took like...a dozen pics.

It hadn't been quite a full month since I checked in on Justin, but I messaged him anyway. I wish he'd message me. Even when we were seeing each other, I pretty much always had to initiate contact, so maybe that's just him. Or maybe he's just not that into you. The conversation started brief, but I got him to open up some. He recently watched The Matrix, noted that it was a trans allegory, and has been considering the theory that none of this is real. There's some astrophysics theory that points to it as well. He dropped out of the conversation shortly after, but it at least gave me the chance to re-examine the film, my interpretations and takeaways, and the psychological implications involved. And doing so made me realize I'd allowed my apathy (bordering on resentment) of the rest of the trilogy color my view of the first one.

It was a very interesting day for Diplomacy. One of the trails I hunted down in the morning talked about motivational interviewing, and that led me to a reminder to work on my diplomacy. I picked the wrong week to stop biting people. I tried really hard to find common ground with people before educating them, and tried to educate them as gently and diplomatically as possible. One elderly gent huffed away when I asked for a clarification. But he also missed the sarcasm in my retort, and maybe we get along now? Willow had Copy/Pasted some Christian nonsense pretending to be oppressed. I mostly let it go previously, but some garbage started ranting at me, complaining about separation of church and state. When that didn't work, both of them started flat out lying. Paul, a really really attractive leather boy I got to fuck at one of Sean's parties, had been lamenting the mob mentality on the gaysovercovid IG, and posted some dystopian prediction that even after covid-19, no one will be "allowed" to celebrate anything or party. On the plus side, I finally learned how to use tag groups. And some dickhead tried to come for me over my AOC group. Ultimately, I think he was my favorite on account of his sheer ineptitude. Trying to retort to studies with Youtube clips and claiming (clearly and provably wrongly) that there is just as much violent extremism on the Left as the Right.

Ending the note on a purely positive note, Alan, who lives in LA and had previously worked on a documentary about sex workers (which is how we met), had posted an article referencing Heston and cancel culture. At some point I'm going to do a little more research on the topic in general, because there have been occasions where someone's faux pas has resulted in an internet mob making it impossible for them to find employment for years to come. But today was not that day, and tomorrow doesn't look good either. Heston's presence in the article alone should have been a giant red flag, because while I guess he used to be progressive, he flipped around 1970 and became the poster child for whiny privileged dolts throwing tantrums. I politely and diplomatically informed him the article was trash, and he messaged me. He's been depressed over the alienation and economic fallout over the last year. And he got a guiche. I'm not in any position to diagnose whether a person needs meds, therapy, or just lifestyle changes, and told him so, but I was able to talk him through the storm he was facing. As you're aware, I'm very open about my depression, and we touched on that time I ran out of my meds. I'd read a thing that defined toxic positivity as internalized relative privation. The idea that others have it worse, so we should just toughen up, not seek help, etc. That definition is incorrect, but it was useful in that moment, and I'm not sure what to call that phenomenon in reality. I had to tap out shortly after, because it was somewhere around 2am or so. In spite of my "diplomacy" resulting in almost just as much venom as I normally spit, I was really happy with my efforts from the day, and relaxed into sleep on the cloud of Lady Miss Friday snoring and Merryweather running around in my room.

I buzzed my hair in the morning, a little undecided if I should try to grow out my hair into my favorite style or just wait until I get my wig and be content with that. Given my growing resemblance to a Q-tip, though, that question would have to wait.

I thought I would maybe hook up with Joe today, so I sent him a message, but he was offline. I ended up beating off a few times throughout the day, and thanks to some technical issue, ended up posting that instead of writing that in Messenger. I saw a message waiting for me in Model Mayhem, and it was Skinwalker potentially wanting me to shoot with them. As you're aware, I'm a little heavier than I was, and a lot heavier than I was at my lowest point of addiction, so to speak. I'm fine getting passed up fro this since I'm so heavy these days, but I am also even more grumpy at whatever's going on in my arms due to the nerve issues preventing me from working out. I ate some soy curls I'd cooked last night, but my indigestion or heartburn or whatever made it almost impossible to even swallow. I suppose that should help me slim down some after all.

I finally got to post Norman's Walk to the Music Group, and I was very happy with my description and analysis. I caught up on my journal, though I bopped back and forth chatting with Ron. He'd mentioned chaos theory, and I was trying to wrap my brain around that when he also sent me a quick Jungian archetype quiz. He didn't seem surprised that both my inner and outer me is The Innocent Child, but I also noticed that I had about 60-75% with a lot of them. I'm not sure if there are actually a ton of options and it only showed the ones you were most like, or if I just somehow managed to get fairly even scores across the board.

In the evening, I felt a little more comfortable swallowing, so I was going to make a grilled "cheese," but I couldn't get the difficult drawer open in the fridge. I ended up making just regular toast and a semidilla with nutritional yeast.

I was worried, having been off yesterday, that the NOAs would overwhelm me, but they were fine. I got those done, and since Tim checked in on the time for my session with Candace, cleaned up a little. Bathroom, dishes, stove. The session was not as productive as usual, though I suppose that's understandable for where we are. I was a little disappointed, tbh, because my announcement that I can be a pothead instead of a drunk (or worse) was met with...indifference. I guess she's hoping I go sober. Tim mentioned that my grim-glasses are self-reinforcing with my depression, and I now know weltschmertz is a thing. The sadness of the world will bury you if you let it. Candace was similarly nonplussed by my rage at the food chain, and apparently my feeling that I'm not a "real" lawyer is incredibly common among attorneys.

I went to pay my credit card, but found a $50 charge for DoorDash from McDonald's on Friday. I checked with Julian and Terry to see if they'd bought it. Julian said no (I'd forgotten, I told him I would never buy meat), Terry got really angry. Demanded an apology. I declined. Unfortunately, my soy curls were due to arrive, and I figured I'd eventually need to check my mail. Soy curls dropped them at my door, and I decided I could check my mail tomorrow.

In reviewing my Memories on FB, I saw my post about getting Houdini from Pet Kingdom. I thought about tagging Joshua in it, since his adopting Houdini's brother saved me from myself, but Sir Loras just died and....I did cluck at myself for posting it anyway, sans tag. If the point was to save Joshua a Surprise Grieving, I shouldn't have posted anything at all. But the point is to live as ethically as possible, and to do that you must have a life of your own. On the plus side, the pic of Houdini that I snapped is one of my better mouse pics. Julian called, and he'd been drinking and was still drinking. He talked some about moving out here, but also talked about our various furkids. I think I've mentioned before that I constantly Sliding Doors my life. If I hadn't done X, would Y still have happened? What about Q? Unsurprisingly, I usually do this to beat myself up. If you hadn't DONE X, Y WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED, TRASH! But as I've mentioned, choosing to rescue feeder mice - even the path I took to get there - absolutely worth it. Julian mentioned that it's my legacy, and while that's way too strong a word....it's a goal. Unfortunately, he was tipsy enough to growl about my escorting, and then projected his own guilt from cheating on to me. Then growled about how expensive my apartment is...but it was somewhere between fantasy and nostalgia, because he kept talking about how much he loved his old studio, and how inexpensive it was....just forgetting that it was 5 years ago.

I smoked, took one watermelon, and felt divided. I'm going to weed so I don't have the calories and hangovers from booze. But I'm never high "enough." I can't possibly smoke so much I pass out.

Ugh. With my normal pills, I still woke up at 2. With an additional half pill, it still took me until 5 to drift off, and I woke up at 6. At least it made me sleepy enough to avoid getting up and watching Netflix or something.

I heard a knock at my door when I started working, but by the time I got there, tehy were gone. There was a grumpy text from Terry, as he'd come to offer me some soup Taka made. I explained the situation, turned down the soup, and focused on work. I messed up the order of operations on a Guilty Plea, and I'd missed a claim to be tagged. I spent the whole day *very* focused, and managed to get ahead again by the end.

My therapy session wasn't as useful as usual, I think, but that's largely my fault for not directing it correctly. We talked a lot about Julian's manipulations, subconscious as they might be, and about the times things got physical. She had a list of suggestions for me to write, but so much as writing "I am important" was extremely difficult. It felt like trying to climb over a wall in my head to write, much less believe.

Terry asked me to come to the dog park towards the end of my shift, but I did have to finish my work. When you're on a roll....He waited for me, and showed up to my door at exactly 4pm. He seemed a little tipsy, and wanted everyone to wear costumes. And then to take one of his videos he wants to upload to Youtube. Not being drunk myself, I wasn't as into it as usual, and kept taking breaks to read Right Wingers online. The rest of the folks at the dog park didn't seem to mind our performance, at least. He wanted to go somewhere after and make fun of people, but Taka and I tapped out. She was more focused on projects, and I was more focused on Lady Miss Friday.

I watched Lucifer at home, and as much as Mazikeen is my absolute favorite there, it features a *TON* of badass women.

Even with my pills, my body still tried to wake up between 2-4. Lady Miss Friday to the rescue, we spent time together, I got back to sleep.

I saw at the last minute that Kathy was out, so I took all her mail.... But then Lynelle just snagged it out of my folder. I am known. I managed to get all my mail done, claims tagged, and start working up NOAs. I enter NOAs tomorrow, but I feel like I'm getting a better handle on the workload.

My session with Candace was good, though kind of unexpected. She didn't ask for my homework, thank Gawd, though I had some semblance of Goals worked out. My assignment this week is to figure out my needs from a partner (other than them wanting to fuck me literally constantly). I'm not comfortable having needs. It feels too much like Vulnerability. We also talked some about my disordered eating. I'm having this weird thing where I'm not hungry very often..... But being me, I then push that further. When I ate on Friday night, it had been 3 days, almost 4. She wants me to make a deal with myself that I eat at least twice a day. I don't wanna get fatter. We talked about enabling, substances, partner parenting, etc. There's a lot.

My session later with Moncita, the neurologist's NP, was also decent. She still wants me to go on anti-seizure medication, but was very very careful not to push. She also said she's going to recommend an EMG or something, to address that weird numbness.

Weirdly, my journal entries from yesterday were.... Gone. It was like I hadn't been there at all. I managed to get refill them okay.

Terry messaged me towards the end of work, eating some vegan nuggets in a salad, and with pics of the catnip he saved. All but two of them died. I'm trying not to scream at myself, but some part of me always will. I knocked on his door when I checked my mail, and sat with his pups while we talked. He showed me his silver wig, I put it on, and it didn't look horrid. I still want one of my favorite hairstyle of my own, though. We talked about jealousy, and cheating, and revenge. We're very similar.

Then the bad news started cascading in. Chip texted me and Tim that he had to put Olive down. Her legs just completely gave out a few days ago, and there was nothing they could do. 13 years is a long time for a dog of her lineage and size, and I called him to reinforce that, thank him for everything he did for her, and check on him. Tim called while I was on the phone with him, so I couldn't take it. Rachel was next, letting me know that Julian was back in the hospital after more seizures. And apparently can't see out of one eye. Terry wouldn't let me leave at first, worried I was going to cut or similarly self destructive coping mechanism. I'm very honest, and I told him plainly I was going to go drink myself to sleep.

I called Tim back, and he's sick. Hoping it's not covid, but going to sleep on it tonight and go to the doc tomorrow. Low key fuck 2020.

I sort of wondered what to do with my day. Obv, I should have cleaned the place, but just...didn't. FHA had responded about My Dinner With Andre K, and it put so much into perspective. At least, somewhat. "...A crippling year-long drug addiction which cost him everything." I don't think I'm really in a position to analyze, but I think I have a tendency to downplay roughly everything, and as always, seeing it in black and white made it so much more real.

Julian texted me - he'd had a job interview, but didn't get it. Silver lining, it would have been very awkward to take a two week vacation right after starting, though maybe he could've just had a later start date. He's also taking care of a family of raccoons. I keep thinking about both him and Justin, not that it ever gets me anywhere.

I avoided the leftover K, but mostly bc it made me sleepy last time. Opted for weed and booze instead. Harm reduction? Maybe? Maybe I should get a sponsor, but I'm so fucking scared of them rejecting me bc I don't want to be sober, or have a relapse, or..... I would be happy to talk to a therapist about this but 1) I can't find one, and 2) at least one of them had the answer of "just...be sober - problem solved!"

Not so productive day at work. I managed to get the NOAs done, started on a few other things, but my remote connection kicked me off all day. I finally managed to get in less than an hour before work ended, but just sort of fumbled around a bit instead of being effective.

I did get a call from my psychiatrist. Rather than try a new med for Wellbutrin, he's just going to double up my Lexapro. Whatever works. I think I've mentioned this before, but I tend to think of everything like a headache. Have pain/depression? Take pill. But depression is so much more subtle than that. I've been out of Wellbutrin for a while now - maybe a week? And if it wasn't for Tim's observation, I'd probably just keep slowly sinking. Mental health tends to be more the slowly boiling pot.

Dana messaged me with a few veg merchandising options, and I only ever think about my "I'm vegan and I <3 you" shirt that I lost years and years ago. I suppose I could get it reprinted, but that does lose me in a bramble nest of decisions, and I'm so scared of not choosing *the perfect* image to go with it. Is there a word for preemptively criticizing yourself for a decision you haven't made yet? Now that I think about it more, though, I'll probably just have several made. Skunks, raccoons, pigs, mice, etc. I'll find free images for them, have them printed.

I still couldn't get the video to upload, and still couldn't decide between cutting it or linking it. I watched more Community, and decided to look up Rachel from S:4E:8 because I loved her hairstyle. Turns out it was Brie Larson, who would later go on to play Captain Marvel. In going to post about it, I realized that's sort of a quirk about me. Like I looked up Tessa Niles and Lisa Noya. But at first, I couldn't remember Lisa Noya's name, so I went a-hunting. Finally found it after waaaay too long, and spent some time listening to Klaas's remix in 2009.

I drank more, napped more, smoked more. Actually dreamed about dosing with the remaining G. As I poured a drink instead, I thought about Katie's joke when she was my Beard. We'd been drinking and watching TV, and an ad came on asking "What's Your Anti-drug?" Katie looked at me and said "Alcohol." Turns out she was right!

I saw that Bryan had messaged me last night, so I messaged him back in the afternoon. He thanked for inspiring him to go on a Community binge, and noted that he's taking a break from Bojack. That's completely understandable, since Bojack is as stellar as it is heavy.

Tim asked to come over in the evening, and I agreed, even though I'd already taken my pill. He brought Pupple, and an over-sink dish rack he's going to install. I think we're both somewhat concerned with my reliance on the happiness of others to keep from sinking. But I didn't come to any conclusions. We got onto the topic of The Last Unicorn, and apparently everyone he's talked to has tagged me as Lady Amalthea. I don't really know whet to do with that.

Getting up was *rough,* and it's largely only thanks to my alarm I didn't sleep through the morning. I actually did think it was the weekend again when I woke up, but given the alarm and all...Coffee fixed it, and of course it was hard for me to get up even knowing that in advance.

The morning was busy AF, between items that came in yesterday after work, hunting down then entering old and new NOAs, and nearly 160 eservice items. I was actually a couple (no, literally a couple) minutes late to the meeting, and Lynelle sent and email asking about me and "Ms. Friday." Thankfully, she was sitting next to me when I logged in, and got cries of enthusiasm from everyone. The afternoon calmed down some for me, though I still didn't manage to get to reviewing any claims.

Sean messaged me in the afternoon, and my brain immediately thought Jason had told him about my drug use. Not like I haven't been open about it on FB, but not a lot of folks know the details. I calmed down, though, and talked about my mental health and the struggles and progress there.

I've started leaving more comments on Youtube videos, and the different reactions and responses have been intriguing. I did find an acoustic version of "When Am I Gonna Lose You," and instead of watching Community, spent the night alternating between the original and the acoustic. His high note in the acoustic version is so much clearer, but the build in the original is better. I thought more about the video, and as I've mentioned, it hits me in much the same way Ghost Inside by Broken Bells does. Ghost is more dangerous because I feel like such a failure for not being able to help. This one....we've all been there, and I want to comfort her, but I know there's little to be done for someone during that terrible readjustment. The brain literally has to readjust to stop thinking of "me" as "we."