Goal Oriented
Sep. 16th, 2020 04:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryI woke up a little before 2, vomited again, took a half a pill and laid back down with Lady Miss Friday. I haven't actually set an alarm in so long...not like I need it, I guess. I think I managed to sleep more, got logged in fine, and stayed EXTREMELY focused all day. There was a lot of work that needed covering while I was out, and Dave and Lynelle took care of most of it. I got my NOAs worked up, cases offered, D10's filed, mail entered, and started on the mountain of claims still in the queue.
Our meeting was surprisingly chill, Kathy just wanted to know: if you could have any job for one day, what would it be. Most people gave a few answers before settling on one, and LOTS of them want to travel. If I'm being practical, I'd just take Bezos's job for a day, and the amount of money I'd make in 8 hrs as him would be enough to retire. Such is the state of the world right now. As I've said for a long time, working at a marine mammal rescue might be stellar, but then I realized that they probably see a lot of tragic, horrible things, but just post stuff from the happier cases. I dunno, maybe a dancer, then.
After work, I journaled more, started trying to think of goals for therapy. It's tricky. And a lot of them are at least starting out fairly vague. I managed to get two today - figure out my relationship dysfunctions, and remember more of my childhood. We'll see what happens.
Continuing my theme of getting back on the ball, I cleaned more. These things hunt me if I don't do them. Mouse Kingdom, vacuuming, the rest of the trash and recycling and dishes..... Houdini literally took several naps in the middle of his tube, and I felt the Reaper looming. Every day is a victory.
I found myself in that odd place from both depression and addiction, where I had no interest in anything. I didn't even want to drink. I was just waiting for bed time so I could sleep next to Lady Miss Friday and get back to work. It occurred to me I might have missed a couple antidepressant doses, so I fixed that. I watched "I'm Thinking of Ending Things" on Netflix, though I was only half paying attention for a lot of it. The dance at the end is beautiful, though I didn't understand....most of it, really, and especially whatever importance they're giving pigs infected with maggots. I didn't even know that could happen, but Nature is its own Horror Story.
Tim called just as I was laying down for bed and texting with Julian. I probably should have had a pen and paper with me, because I did ask him about Therapy Goals, but we've kind of had that discussion so many times, and my overly simplified thinking, ironically being so Goal Oriented is a huge problem. I get so focused on that Goal, I don't really pay attention to anything else. He cited my lack of patience when it comes to media. I can rarely be bothered to sit through something, but I read A LOT of summaries and synopsis. Goal Oriented. He did come back to sort of that same query Warren had. Warren wondered why I got so addicted to G. Tim wondered why I'm so desperate for numbness. Kind of an ironic query on a night that I didn't feel like using. But it does reinforce his initial analysis. I want to be numb because I'm depressed and suicidal, and numbness is as close as I can get to that without actually tapping out. But that's apparently circular, so maybe I should add the strong desire to be numb to the Goals? He mentioned my various musical obsessions, and the need for patience from others (and him) regarding them, but I don't recall the point of that one.
Our meeting was surprisingly chill, Kathy just wanted to know: if you could have any job for one day, what would it be. Most people gave a few answers before settling on one, and LOTS of them want to travel. If I'm being practical, I'd just take Bezos's job for a day, and the amount of money I'd make in 8 hrs as him would be enough to retire. Such is the state of the world right now. As I've said for a long time, working at a marine mammal rescue might be stellar, but then I realized that they probably see a lot of tragic, horrible things, but just post stuff from the happier cases. I dunno, maybe a dancer, then.
After work, I journaled more, started trying to think of goals for therapy. It's tricky. And a lot of them are at least starting out fairly vague. I managed to get two today - figure out my relationship dysfunctions, and remember more of my childhood. We'll see what happens.
Continuing my theme of getting back on the ball, I cleaned more. These things hunt me if I don't do them. Mouse Kingdom, vacuuming, the rest of the trash and recycling and dishes..... Houdini literally took several naps in the middle of his tube, and I felt the Reaper looming. Every day is a victory.
I found myself in that odd place from both depression and addiction, where I had no interest in anything. I didn't even want to drink. I was just waiting for bed time so I could sleep next to Lady Miss Friday and get back to work. It occurred to me I might have missed a couple antidepressant doses, so I fixed that. I watched "I'm Thinking of Ending Things" on Netflix, though I was only half paying attention for a lot of it. The dance at the end is beautiful, though I didn't understand....most of it, really, and especially whatever importance they're giving pigs infected with maggots. I didn't even know that could happen, but Nature is its own Horror Story.
Tim called just as I was laying down for bed and texting with Julian. I probably should have had a pen and paper with me, because I did ask him about Therapy Goals, but we've kind of had that discussion so many times, and my overly simplified thinking, ironically being so Goal Oriented is a huge problem. I get so focused on that Goal, I don't really pay attention to anything else. He cited my lack of patience when it comes to media. I can rarely be bothered to sit through something, but I read A LOT of summaries and synopsis. Goal Oriented. He did come back to sort of that same query Warren had. Warren wondered why I got so addicted to G. Tim wondered why I'm so desperate for numbness. Kind of an ironic query on a night that I didn't feel like using. But it does reinforce his initial analysis. I want to be numb because I'm depressed and suicidal, and numbness is as close as I can get to that without actually tapping out. But that's apparently circular, so maybe I should add the strong desire to be numb to the Goals? He mentioned my various musical obsessions, and the need for patience from others (and him) regarding them, but I don't recall the point of that one.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}