If you're here, you could be there.

Even with the vodka and the sleeping pill I took before bed I woke up too early. Obviously not terribly concerned with being tired for most of the day, but being exhausted kills my erection like nothing else. Tyler had bought coffee and doughnuts. I'm still trying to figure out my eating for when I go on vacation, but thought I could get through my first scene without breakfast and not risk my stomach fucking up.

The 'roid boys left for the gym, I worked out in my room then watched Mason practice his tumbling outside. He was a cheerleader(?) previously, so walkovers and the like. He asked me to film him doing them in a line, and quoted Vanessa Carlton when he finished. Love. He also coached me on doing a back bend, the first step to doing a walkover. And helped me with my handstands.

My first scene was with Teddy, the heavily tattooed roid boy who'd asked about my shirt the first night. He was having a hard time getting cleaned up, but we finally got set up a little over 30 min after our scheduled start time. He still couldn't get hard, despite having a shot. I'd brushed my teeth after my morning coffee, but he asked me to do it again. Whatever helps you, man. He still couldn't get hard, so Michael Roman came in and fucked us both briefly. Then Teddy pretended to cum inside me, and I fucked him until I came. He had loud, fake, porn shouts the whole time and it was distracting. I'm pleased with my performance, tbh. I was clean, stayed hard, etc. But it still fucked with my head, because I have chemistry with everyone, and he clearly had none with me.

I had a little time before my scene with Tyler, so I had a sammich, made sure I was clean, and messaged Dave to say Happy Birthday. While Mason made his lunch, I heard a faint bit of the music he was listening to. It could have been any trip hop/dream pop group, but the girls voice is somewhat distinctive. This led us to a whole discussion about Grimes, and Mo, and several others. It was wonderful. Not so wonderful was a few minutes later while I laid down in bed reading and I felt the familiar *pop* and trickle in my nasal tract that meant a nosebleed. It eventually subsided, and I got called in to do some photos. I took a couple okay, but then he asked me to get wet for one of them, and as I came up from the water, my nose started bleeding again. Fuck.

Teddy was serving as cameraman for my scene with Tyler, and commented on how smooth and pink my ass was. Thanks. Tyler is a really rough fucker, normally slamming your head into his crotch while you suck him. I advised against this with my nose, and he threw up his hands in frustration. While we were still slow fucking, he noticed a tiny bit of blood on the tip of his dick, then more when he went to fuck me doggy. Nothing to be done about it, I got cut from the scene. FUCK.

I was crushed. Livid with myself for not insisting on more lube yesterday...and all the other times I've ripped myself. Some other boys checked in with me, and Tyler himself did later. Yes, I fully understand why they had to cut me. I am still livid with the situation. I'm not sure if I'm glad I didn't have a lighter or not. I might have been able to cauterize the fissure, or I might have made things worse. I briefly considered calling or texting someone, but while I have several people who would "be there" for me, I wouldn't know what to do when they were.

The other boys in the house went to a movie, Michael went to the Strip. Everyone gave me downright horrified looks when I declined the movie. I stayed home and drank. I tried to get some journaling done, too, but all I had was my phone on me and that's pretty fucking slow. I saw that Mason had posted our selfie to Twitter and had also tagged me in it for his followers. With the booze's help, I sent him a thank you text for generally being an amazing person and the highlight of the weekend so far.

FINALLY able to focus at work, and not a moment too soon. Several urgent cases need matching, bunches of claims came in. In other awesome news, I got an email from Hairy Adult Modeling. I'd applied with them a while back but hadn't heard, and recently found a Chicago casting call from them in my Spam folder. This one is for possible shoots in PS, which is much better. I might double my total number of scenes this year....which says more about how little I've done than how much I'm gonna do this year. I'm excited at any rate.

I also mustered the courage to send out an email about my upcoming show. Not company-wide, but I'm still quite proud of myself for even sending it. Such an odd dichotomy to be as self-spotlighted as I am, but so nervous about "bothering" people.

Still no Bryan when I got back. I meant to lay down with Lady Miss Friday, but tried to get some updating done on my journal instead. That was only marginally successful, and then it was time to go. I got to the place just a little early - we got moved to a smaller, if deeper room for the first half of rehearsal. Also our first night with the "cell doors." It didn't go well. At least in this room, the cell doors squish us in to where we block each other from view and there's no room anywhere except in front of them to dance. We got through Cell Block, they also rehearsed Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, which I'm glad I'm not in. Then on to Newsies. Ben is upset that I'm in front of him on our pique turns across the stage, and tried to pique past me. This, of course, just ended with our hands smacking into each other. Later during A Musical, I tried to battement and ended up pulling my hamstring. Fuck.

Lights were on when I got back. Bryan didn't say where he's been, and I didn't ask. I did ask how the job search is going, and I'll touch base on that at least weekly from now on. I set up a new condo for Hover. I was just going to replace his current one, but decided to add to it instead. I think he's happy. I'm bleeding, which means I waited too long to get fucked/fuck myself. Iced my index finger and my hamstring, took some ibuprofen, crashed.