So Butch

Oct. 18th, 2017 02:00 pm
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I was exhausted again all day, but not quite as bad. I think it's a vitamin deficiency because I'm constantly forgetting to take my supplements.

I posted one of my pics to the group, and Derek asked if I was the top or the bottom. Even though he's commented on vids of me topping, so...but Warren chimed in that we should invite him, because 2 tops are better than one. I sat there stunned for a minute, red pouring over everything. I consulted JJD first, because I hate saying the wrong thing. But more often than not, I say nothing, and then I wake up with rage knots later. So I mentioned that the last time I'd invited him to share a guy, he fucked him while I waited to hear back. He didn't respond, of course. And even though we're still listed as Friends, I can't see any of his Friends Only posts, so maybe he added me to a Restricted list or something.

I messaged Casey in the early afternoon to confirm we'd be getting together. It's harder than you'd think to schedule two(+) tricks a day. Casey had initially said 5 over the weekend, but then changed it to 7-7:30 during then day, and finally messaged when I was almost home that he could come over at 5. He's cute in his photos, he's drop dead fucking gorgeous in person. It was really really fucking hot in my room, but he let me eat his ass, then fucked me in the main positions and came inside me. I really need to get new towels. It's literally embarrassing to offer someone a towel after and then scrounge for it or give them the shoddy blue ones I bought online.

Tim asked when he could come over, and I said any time was fine. He was still getting ready an hour later, so I headed over to Baras to try to find some shorts to use for my costume. I managed to find some - greenish brown instead of green, but they'll work. More exciting, I found two really soft blankets for Lady Miss Friday. My car has had a warning message for the past few days about tire pressure, and I was going to have Tim do it, but I'm a Big Boy and I can do these things on my own. They've actually way simplified the process - there's no caps to keep track of, no measuring tool - the machine automatically fills to 32dpi or whatever the measurement is.

I got home just a couple seconds before Tim. Pupple is in much better spirits, though that could just be the meds. Tim should be catching a break soon, and then he's going to be able to set up his laptop and learn to edit. Yay.

He was only over for about 2 hours, but Pupple wanted to go for a walk, and that's a good time to end things. Since my ass is doing much better these days, I was really tempted to get into my toy chest, but I'm going to err on the side of caution for once and give it a bit longer.

Patterns

Sep. 14th, 2017 10:38 am
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I slept a little better, had a little more energy during the day. Finally figured out why I was sleeping through my alarm - somehow the volume for it had gotten turned all the way down.

Thinking more about my frustration and depression with Warren, it's not just that we broke up, or how we broke up, though honey, it's a big part of it. It turns out I was pretty frustrated with the relationship itself. I wanted him to want me more, to be more physically demonstrative. I'm upset that we had so little sex, and he was so paranoid about STDs with me, but he was out hounding all of my friends to pound them bare. I'm actually mad that we barely ever kissed. He never posted any of the pics we took to his page, only sent them to me to post without tagging him. Ostensibly, this is because a bunch of my friends would start thirst adding him. Now I'm not so sure.

I had a good meeting with Dave and Lynelle, mostly about policy, but I had some good ideas that Lynelle wants to implement.

I really really really did not want to work after work, but even though I've been busy over the summer, both my big clients canceled in September and I'm hyper aware of the clock on escorting. Plus, given that Topher canceled the last time, and Norman cancels frequently, it would be bad form for me to cancel. Topher still couldn't cum, and I'm not organizing things, hosting, and cumming for that. Especially not when I've got a fan coming over later.

Got them out of there, John rescheduled my rescheduling to 7, which was fine. We had an okay time. Certainly none of the issues with Warren. Asked to marry me repeatedly. But I came for him, he had a good time.

I thought about going to Brandon's comedy show, but even though I told him I'm not mad at him over Warren, it feels a little gross to be attending his show *now.* Like I'm chasing Warren's crumbs...even though Warren had to piggy back off me to even get to Brandon in the first place. Spent time with Lady Miss Friday and drank wine instead.

Here

Sep. 7th, 2017 08:08 am
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Upset stomach in the morning, tired and grumpy out of nowhere all day. Finally got around to listening to Kelly Clarkson's new singles and they're both amazing. "Love So Soft" is an uptempo soulful jam a la Introducing Joss Stone, while "Move You" is a gorgeous ballad. I pre-ordered the album, posted about it on FB, and as soon as the tour is announced I'm going I to get a Citibank card. Igot most of my work done except for claims, then remembered at the last minute that I'm actually ahead on claims. Stellar feeling, really.

Ryan posted that he was going to have a pool day, which I pretty much ignored until Warren texted asking if he was having a pool party. I messaged him, he would be there until 6ish, but since it's an apartment and not a house, it's not really a pool party. I heard from Warren again at 5:40, asking if I was home. I'd been meaning to go to the gym, but obviously wasn't at this point. He came over 5 min later, laid down on the bed. After a few minutes of laying together, he asked me to eat his ass. He'd apparently just showered, so was ready for it. Great! But he also just jerked off, so he wasn't going to cum. I did, and hit his stomach while he sat on my face.

Questions swirled around my head. Why was he already in the neighborhood? Why, if he'd showered so I could eat his ass, had he also just jerked off? I'd have loved to have fucked him, but of course, we're still waiting on test results.

He was going to dinner with his gaybor - no invite for me - but I did still want to go to the gym, so that was fine. Instead, he suggested we go shopping for dinner things for Saturday, and maybe for Taco Tuesday at Whole Foods. We walked around the store, he talked but didn't listen. He'd interrupt what I was saying to talk about something else without even apologizing or returning us to what I was saying. But he also held my hand, hugged me when we stopped to look at things, and kissed my cheek.

Tim was in the area for a business function that turned out to be in a completely different place, so wanted to swing by. I told him I wasn't home, and didn't answer when he asked when I'd be back. When Warren and I got home, he still hadn't heard from his gaybor, so we laid down again, him cuddling up next to me and answering texts. On his screen, at 4:29, just before the last text he'd sent me was a text to Brandon: "Here." Things clicked in. He'd fucked him. He'd intentionally excluded me because he wanted him for himself. He hadn't used a condom because...?

He needed to get out.

Naturally, Tim walked up at that exact moment with Pupple in tow. We talked to the extent I was able through my haze. I don't know why so many partners of mine want me to be the wife they come home to. I don't know why they think it's okay for me to work to get *us* laid and them to work to get *themselves* laid with those same people. I don't know why they keep thinking they're going to get away with it. And I don't know why I keep falling for them.

Testing 123

Sep. 6th, 2017 10:38 am
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Lynelle emailed me in the morning, reminding me that there was an additional Kudo I said I'd do. Her only correction was to make the language stronger. So that's good. Our intern got back from a return trip to Japan and brought candy with her - mostly various flavors of kitkat. I should have gone in when the message went out, because I could have brought some matcha flavored ones home for Warren.

I really didn't think I had the energy to go to the gym after work, so I laid on the couch with Lady Miss Friday and helped a panel attorney with her claims questions. Thought about trying to go early so I could maybe see Warren, but that hasn't worked very well in the past.

The waiting room was packed when I got there, 20 min before my start time as requested. I didn't get to see the doc until 30 min after my start time, either. My lip started burning while I was waiting, but there were no mirrors anywhere, and the camera on my phone is terrible. The doc didn't see anything, and both her and the second opinion doc she asked agree that it really is a stye on my eyelid. I did my swabs, headed home, watched the last couple episodes of GLOW.

Warren messaged me around 9 - he'd gone to dinner with Glen, got wasted off a glass of rose. Asked if he could stop by and see me when he sobered up some. I waited up for him until almost 11 before I told him I was going to bed and wished him a good night. He was already on his way home. Oops.
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Slept horribly again, and woke up early, if not quite 3am. Warren messaged me in a panic around 5 because he had no shirts left at his place. I advised him where he could get a touristy shirt - the CVS and the Ralph's in La Jolla both sell them, and are both open that early. He sent me a text later, thanking me and saying he appreciates "more than I know." He also posted the pic he took, asking who wanted to suck his dick next.

Peter is having a rough time and asked to come by, but I don't feel comfortable having him over while Bryan is still in the living room. Randall - a client of mine from NY - messaged that he was visiting and would like to see me on Friday.

I finally sent Bryan a message that LL had gently reminded me I'm the only one supposed to be living in my apartment, but we could probably get away with it at least until Saturday.

I'd totally forgotten about the anonymous survey that SDGMC sends out after every show. I'd declined to participate in previous surveys, because I was new and didn't want to raise a fuss. I had a lot to say in this one, though.

Chance finally got around to applying with Raw & Rough, so I sent a word to Rob. He wants to cast him - and me - in the next couple weeks with another massively hung black gentleman.

One of the guys from the Play group messaged me wanting to play. I'd have invited Warren, but Warren only likes twinks, and something about the phrasing of his post in the morning rubbed me the wrong way.

We went to Taco Tuesday with his gaybors, which was...odd. He hung on one of them while I chatted with his partner. Paid for his dinner, though, so I guess that's okay.

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