If you're here, you could be there.

Got into work and got it all done, but didn't have it in me to get ahead. Maybe tomorrow. I loaded Scruff back up on my phone and chatted with a few boys, but crashed pretty early. Some days you rest.

I wasn't really sure what I was going to do with my morning, but I managed to stay focused and pound out the work. Terry came over to ask for ketamine and help. They got a 3 day notice to pay or quit, today was day 3. I looked it up to make sure, but 1) it's not that they physically evict you after the 3 days, that just starts the eviction process, 2) the courts work on business days, so Monday would be Day 4. Since they're moving anyway, I explained the process and told them to just tell AKR Properties that, and they should be fine. Even if the management company went ahead with the eviction, that process can be stretched out for months. The management company can't hurt them, just their credit. He asked if I'd sign on as their lawyer. Sure. I'm confident at this point that I could assist them. They'd be better off with my representation than without it. The attorneys on our retained Watch list all put their clients in a worse place. He sputtered something about payment, but that's one of the conclusions I've come to. I'm good. I make enough to pay my bills with what I get from ADI. Any bonus money can go to charity or savings. He said he'd give me whatever they won from some upcoming expected windfall, but we can figure that out when and if it happens. I decided to go ahead and spend the $200 I previously withdrew for carts. Since THC0 is $7-8/g, it'd be cheaper to stay rationing and buy the bulk THC0 when I can, but then I decided to both it. The money I spend on this isn't going to land me homeless on the street giving handjobs for crack. I've spent *a lot* more for a lot less return, and since I forgot about it before, it's like bonus money. so this will help me go longer before ordering more THC0 so I can save money and get back on top of my savings. I tried to order 10 sativa and 10 indica, and from there, whatever's clever. Whichever 10 indica and 10 sativa carts would be best for them to sell. The nice thing about finding dxm is that it's been making everything I smoke feel more potent. They didn't have any of either. Silver lining (not the stellar track by Rilo Kiley, but we can listen to that next), they did have hybrids. Ordered 10 of those, figuring that balanced out somehow for what I was looking to do, and saves me money. Terry seemed exceptionally inebriated, and while I had things to take care of (including him, since he was so inebriated, and he took a Facebook Live Video or something. And I'm just learning how much I love and how helpful it is to keep everything in balance. Which feels at least related to this moder-ation I keep hearing about. Terry came over again in the afternoon, but in much less of a tizzy than earlier. I got him back up and running, but then he wanted a kiki. Just sat down on the arm of the tub and turned on the camera. I wanted to at least explain the state of things, since the place is messy even for me, but ended up just talking about representing them. I tried to convey the babysitting nature of the situation. My cartridges didn't get delivered until after work, which was totally fine, but they just stopped responding after I told them I would wait in the parking lot. Awkward. Julian stopped in on his way home from work, I went to Terry's, and then we sat on the steps. I talked Terry and Taka through the process over and over again. Mostly just reassuring them they wouldn't wake up to the cops evicting them tomorrow. Terry went a bit vague every time I mentioned the convenience in the timing, since they're planning to move, but I didn't pursue it. Opposite, really, I've managed to avoid feeling responsible for it, and responsible for not having the solution. Maybe that's why I'm so depressed? This whole system is fucked, I hate that all species outbreed our resources, that scroll of truth given to us by my undergrad bio professor, so that starvation mentality that Brene Brown talks about is sort of how we're here. Christina mentioned another organism that apparently got two tries at life trees, but presumably, that lack of competition and mutation is what killed them. How do we evolve without competition? Then it hit me that as a species, the dinosaurs had us beat. Humans have been here for a couple thousand years, dinosaurs were here for millions. We're an infinitesimal blip in the timeline of the planet, the galaxy , but the wacky thing is that if we build AI intelligent enough, the robots themselves will improve themselves. The Matrix am related myths give technology human emotions, but that's unrealistic, or at least would be to start, and we'd presumably get the absolute best ethics and legal philosophers to work together to give those first one the best ethics, so any robots they built would only be better. It's insane to me that we're this infinitesimally small blip, but we might invent the solution. And I so love dichotomous things juxtaposed together. "Magic" is just technology that hasn't been discovered yet. Anyway, I used to hate myself for not having a simple, logical answer. on how we're all gonna get out of this, but I'm tired. I can't kill myself any more for an unanswerable question that no one assigned me. I'm putting myself first which in the realest way. Which is it's own kind of dichotomy. By being selfish, I'm ultimately doing more good. Beautiful. When the driver showed up, I thought I gave him $100, plus $2 tip, and I apologized for not having a bigger bill to tip him. Then he drove back and informed me I did give him a bigger tip - I'd given him $202. He could've taken the extra hundred and I would've just thought I misplaced it. I gave him an extra $20.

I think some part of me thought if I beat myself up hard enough when I'm wrong, I would learn to stop being wrong. But instead that made me afraid to even try. If, instead, I put my full effort into everything and give myself a gold star for effort, I do, eventually get better. I'm a little slow, but I get there eventually. I'm an extraordinary machine. Gold star.

I missed the meeting at work, but we had no agenda items to go over, and I'm ultra on top of my work right now anyway. I slept all evening, and Julian texted me at 8. Today would have been our 1-year marriage anniversary, but he sent one "happy anniversary" text, but then an ellipses. I called him, but he didn't answer. I left a chipper message, then sent a chipper text. I'm taking optimism, silver linings, and gratitude, etc. to my usual extremes. Always look on the bright side of your life. I'm gonna find the good in everything. Even me. I'm deciding in advance how much effort I can devote to any given thing at any given time, will do my best and give whatever I decide to give fully, then give myself an "A" for effort and go from there.

Up disappointingly early, but I was productive with the extra time. Julian had mentioned he might swing by the picnic on his lunch break today, but wasn't even well enough to go to work in the first place. I hadn't done a very good job playing Julie the Cruise Director to manage who was coming, much less how everyone was getting around, and it ended up just being me and Colleen. And I meant to make or buy something substantial to bring, but I ran out of time and just brought the jalapeno chips. Made another couple dives into the motions for substitutions, then tried to figure out what to wear. Briefly considered a blue sweater, but I turned around for a second and Lady Miss Friday was frolicking around on it, or as close to frolicking as she gets at the moment. I tried to get a few pics, thought about posting them, but decided I was satisfied keeping them just for me.That was empowering and I intend to start me taking *a lot* more pics of her in general. Fear of failure really seeps into so many things. If I take the pics *to* upload them, uploading them becomes something I do for others and subject to their approval. Also, the sweater itself had holes. I should probably get rid of and/or replace a *bunch* of my clothing very soon. Like, yesterday. A decade ago. I can guarantee you that same sweater was already holy ten years ago. I think I've had it since middle or high school? Maybe?

I picked up Colleen, and just before we parked she asked some vaguely personal question or something.... like, a question that *could* be answered intimately or casually, or maybe I just overthink literally everything. But as I started my very long, striving to be very precise, answer and the very long analysis accompanying it, I paused as I resonated with the music. She asked why I paused, then agreed that the track was great. I thanked her for not making me feel weird about my relationship with music. And then realized that this might be our first event just us. Birth-mother and son. That feels weird to even type, and to the shock of no one, I'm uncomfortable having ties to people. Avoidant attachment style, or something. Someone brought vegan cookies from TJ's to the picnic, and kind of thank Gawd they did, because I didn't manage to eat anything else there. I saw Aaron there sans Ryan, and Mark and Jake, but Jake just said my hair made me look homeless and crazy. Good to see you too. I was in an anxious haze, but kind of bounced around introducing Colleen to everyone. Probably like a little kid excited to see their parent meet a favorite teacher or something. That sort of buzz. I'm not sure how that juxtaposed with my insane anxiety. Tim called while she was getting some lunch, agreed to come meet us for coffee at the nearby buzz, and told me Colleen had reached out to him recently, concerned because I'd gone silent. It is so weird to both love performing and want to disappear (simultaneously.) But Silver Lining (both the outstanding track by Rilo Kiley and the idiom), gratitude and whatnot, because given how close I've come to hopping off the mortal coil, even with my vanity, arrogance, etc., I probably wouldn't have made it if all I had was the crippling self doubt. Colleen and I walked to the coffee spot, then Tim later joined us with Pupple and we chatted for a bit before walking around the neighborhood. Colleen is going to come over for movie day one of these days, and I'll begin introducing her to the triad of good queer cinema. We passed by Norman's place, and it set my mind wandering. I haven't heard back from him in a year. I'm genuinely puzzled why. I'd say maybe he's just tired of me, but he's seen me stumble my way through the mess that's been my thirties, so it would be weird for him to tap out now. I hope he's alright. I somehow made it seem logical for Tim to drop Colleen off so I could run back to Lady Miss Friday. For all that it was very uncomfortable to spend all day away from her, I think my codependence is just a fun hobby, ultimately fully under my control. Probably. Plus, how much of it is codependence and how much wanting to have and cherish every moment we have, knowing how little time we ultimately have?

Patrick apologized for forgetting the picnic, but since I felt I'd dropped the ball by not checking in, we agreed to not hold any hard feeling against each other or ourselves, more or less. I gave him the song Colleen and I were struck by almost simultaneously, he gave me his vote of confidence on building a relationship with Colleen, and as fantastic as that is by itself, the fact that someone cheering me on didn't *itself* send me into a panic is huge progress.

I don't know how I did it, but I actually finished my first draft of all of the motions for summary judgment. Then reviewed and edited them about a dozen times, catching and fixing little things. I don't even know how to describe the feeling, but it was good.

Confusion's kind of a thing these days. As you know, I've been waking in the middle of the night again when it's nothing but dark, and it's fine when I can get back to sleep. I guess even nights like tonight, when I didn't manage to get back to sleep, are easier since I work from home most days. Still no reply to the email; entirely understandable, given the breadth of it, but Shawn texted me just before lunch that he'd take me to Mo's. There was some show where a character takes an underling out to lunch at their *favorite* spot to surprise & fire them. I don't remember what it was, but it obviously had an effect on me. I couldn't find decent parking and just as equally couldn't take the thought of being late, so I ducked into the Peet's lot. I'm a big boy, I can pay for parking.

Amazingly, I saw FHA there! I feel like I get extra points for the entirely unnecessary eye-witness proof that I left Lady Miss Friday's lair Almost assonance He's already volunteered to help me figure out where I live again, but this was a good reminder that even though our journals actually keep us, in my view, closer than almost any of my other friends, or however you want to interpret more in the know, we also have stuff to catch up on. We get around. I had time to scroll their menu, but even though I'd planned to try to eat like a real boy, I just didn't want to have to force myself, even for a lunch that Shawn ultimately volunteered to pay for, and I felt vaguely petulant that we still don't have a 100% vegan burger on the menu. A little while back, I was on the PPK Boards and there was a thread about vegan privilege, and when we'll know we've "made it." Someone brought up fast food, and everyone jumped in with all the things you could get made vegan, and with all the different hoops you had to jump through, put the food through, and put the definition of whatever food you started with through. I appreciate the progress we've made, I'm just not willing to put myself out in order to celebrate it. I didn't want to feel rude by not ordering anything, though, so I got some sweet potato fries.

Shawn did not fire me, but instead talked about some upcoming cases he wants help with, and that he'd send me some work tonight for me to do over the weekend, just to get a scale of where I'm at. It's probably for the best I don't have much legal knowledge, because I've been told I'm a very gifted verbal seppukist, and I tried to avoid anything that might encourage any lurking hopes. The lunch was getting to be over, so I asked about the motion for summary judgment, and I'm not sure if I misunderstood the assignment again because he sort of talked around it, but didn't seem upset. I didn't ask about the marriage forms.

I got out of bed a little early, and good thing, because I forgot I turned off my computer last night. I saw Julian had cleaned the litter box in the living room, then I ended up taking out the trash and recycling, just a little bit worried about him waking up. Lynelle forwarded an MCLE calendar from the public defender, which is amazing and wonderful, but it tragically coincided with one of ADI's MCLEs *and* the Animal Law section meeting. Since I could only give my full attention to one of them, I went with the Animal Law section and confirmed that I would help man the table at the law student and new lawyer mixer in the evening. Unfortunately, even though I did the animal law meeting on my home-home computer and the other two through the remote connection, it all proved too much for my computer and I had to fully restart. It didn't put me behind, just had to race to stay on top.

Somewhere along the way, I lost what seem to be my last pair of halfway decent jeans. I thought about still wearing the torn up pair with a broken zipper, but even I recognize that would be wildly inappropriate. I'm representing the Animal Law section, I should look like it. I showered, shaved, even Naired my balls & butt, just for comfort, then managed to piece together a suit. I found parking right across the street, and after a little wandering, found the building as well. I ran into Chris, who I resonated with many years ago at a THLA mixer. I think he was engaged at the time, they broke up, and he ended up engaged to my friend Jason from the Chorus. I guess that fell apart back in 2020, but since I was just out of rehab at the time, I don't feel bad about missing that update. Shawn was there as well, and Chris remembered the THLA mixer, that I labeled my cup "Dusty Williams," and wore holy jeans. Quite possibly the same pair I'd considered wearing tonight, so that's a dodged bullet. Shawn thought he remembered me there as well, now that the skeezy jeans came up. I kept thinking about drinking - I'm not sober, I'm just avoiding alcohol. But I tried to keep Candace's advice about intention in mind. What exactly was I looking to get out of the booze? I guess it might have served to calm my anxiety, but it might also have fuzzed my judgment and caused social fumbles.

The mixer went well, and I think I did a decent job of conveying the potential and need for Animal Law. There were only a few awkward moments when I had to confess I work as a paralegal, but no one seemed upset. I got home a little before 8, Julian said I looked nicer than he'd ever seen me before. I kind of thought sex might happen, but I wasn't sure I wanted it. The weekend was stellar, but since Julian is still drinking from dusk till dawn, cranky all the time, and still doesn't have a therapist, I feel like limiting our interactions is probably the wiser choice. He called his mom, profanity laced throughout, and I laid down with Lady Miss Friday. Phyllis called, though I had to cut it short. Lady Miss Friday wanted my attention and I crashed as soon as she was settled.

Back at it! It occurred to me, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I'm still highly disorganized, even virtually, so my eservice box still had scattered pdf lying around. The virtual equivalent of piles of paper all over. I'm current on my work, just terrible about deleting things, putting things like required online safety certificates "away," etc. Kathy made a MISC folder and shunted them all in there when she covered on Friday. Why didn't I think of that?! I hammered away at the mail, my claims, pending NOAs, etc., and managed to get just about completely back on top by the end of the day. RAWR! Hopped over to the dentist at the end of the day for what I thought was the final work on my bridge, but it was just the halfway point. I'll get there.

Julian's therapy appointment was scheduled for 1pm, and he was still sleeping by the time I went on lunch. I laid next to him and rubbed his back to wake up, just like I used to do before I gave up on us. He was still reluctant to get up, but he shifted is butt into little spoon mode, and the back rub became fucking, successfully this time. RAWR! Part 2. For some reason, I thought he'd shaved his balls & butt when we tried to fuck on Saturday, though we clarified in talks later that neither of us have been fucking anyone else. Must have been wishful thinking then, though I didn't say anything about it. I know we previously connected almost exclusively over booze and sex, so all of our efforts to be good for and to one another should focus elsewhere. His appointment was actually scheduled for 5pm, but somewhere in the flurry of emails they sent telling him to register was also an email asking for confirmation, so they canceled it. Both of us kicked ourselves for not seeing it before, but instead of throwing a tantrum, he called and left a message to try to reschedule.

I was exhausted all day for some reason, maybe even anemic again, based on the kind of tired. I laid down with Lady Miss Friday after work, but Terry came over to talk, and asked to borrow some ketamine while he waits for his prescription refill. He said Taka could fix Julian's weed pen, so we went over there to finish talking. She let me use some pliers and it came right out. RAWR! Part 3. Terry spaced out on the ketamine, was trying to walk me back to my place, but I sat him down because he was swaying. The last thing I need is Terry tumbling down the stairs with construction going on in the apartment complex. They're still planning on moving back to Japan in the next 3 months or so, but he said they're grateful to have met us.

I thought about taking dxm in the evening, but the most dangerous phrase for an addict is "why not?," so I endeavored to stay productive instead. Helps that it takes an hour or two to kick in, and I think works best on an empty stomach. Also, taking magnesium and lecithin about an hour or two before potentiates it, so it takes less dxm to get where ever I'm trying to go. Also grapefruit juice, but that's more day before, or something to just add to your diet regularly. Julian watched The 100, so I laid next to Lady Miss Friday and journaled. I don't feel comfortable posting full entries from my phone, but now that I write the drafts in my email, I was able to get completely caught up. In closing - RAWR!

Julian took care of the kids and left for work, I stayed lazing next to Lady Miss Friday. Tim called, I caught him up on the move and divorce plans, he invited me to Tootie's for coffee and Pupple walks. I did laundry while I waited for him to finish up boat work, then talked to Julian, who came home for an early lunch. He asked our status. I updated my FB relationship status a while ago, and even though I thought about setting it to "Complicated," left it at the default of Single instead. FB hid it, though, so people can see it if they go looking, but it didn't appear on my news feed or anything, and it might even be hidden? Not sure. I remembered that I did agree to still go to counseling with him and work on things, and the reality of the flaming train wreck he's riding at the moment seems to be hitting him, so I reinforced that I will still be here for him, no matter what title our relationship ends up with, and put my ring back on. It's a gorgeous ring anyway, and I was bummed to have to take it off. I like opals.

I found Tootie's place okay, tried to give a brief synopsis of things when Tootie asked. It was good to see Pupple again, of course, and Kela, though she's ancient now, and doesn't remember me. It happens. We took them for a walk, appreciating the floral and architectural variety on display in the neighborhood. It feels like many neighborhoods have these hidden little pockets of wonder tucked away just out of sight of the main roads, making them all the more fun to find.

Finished the laundry, then took care of the litter boxes, vacuuming, dishes, trash, and recycling before Julian got home from work. We talked more, though I don't remember all the details. I remember that both of us seemed intensely, almost insanely, open. He apologized for everything, said his actions throughout the whole Raphael debacle were horrid, even though he didn't list it all individually. I don't know. Maybe it's important for him to actually say "I planned to cheat, lied and gaslit when caught," or maybe that would just be sadistic to demand. He did state how grateful he is to all of us for getting him out here, even let me ramble on about things without saying anything. I managed to catch hold of all my various side discussions, if barely. I'm dreaming. We almost fucked, but my anxiety got the better of me. All night long, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to explode in a tantrum over nothing, but he was all gratitude, all night. When fucking didn't happen, he said no problem, he's delighted to just lay next to me, holding each other. I really started to wonder if he'd been replaced by a changeling or similar. I suggested we go out to dinner, since neither of us had been eating much lately, and settled on Loving Hut. I figured they've got a huge variety and comparatively minuscule prices. He wanted sangria, though I'm also hoping to move him away from booze. Loving Hut no longer has servers, you just order at the counter, take your food, and sit wherever, there or home. I think. We kept talking, and when I finally got around to ordering an appetizer, it was 8pm. They close at 8:30, which felt weird for a Saturday, but it's their business. Since Julian was so intent on sangria, he suggested La Fuente. He was concerned about my options there, but I figured I could just get some potato rolled tacos. They didn't have sangria and were out of potatoes, but I laughed about it, ordered some cinnamon sugar bites, and figured I could eat something substantial at home. The important part was us talking. We both joked about it being our first date. I am still going through with the divorce, he's obviously still moving out, but I'm hopeful that we will end up in a good place in our relation to one another at the end of this.

Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, but able to get back to sleep, and it's awesome. If it's for less than an hour, it's just an opportunity to ensure I wasn't sleeping through some dire news, check on Lady Miss Friday, and sometimes getting to lay there in awe of her sleeping next to me. Unfortunately, I woke around one and just got back to sleep before the sun started rising. Even worse, I had the day off, and I knew I had something I wanted to get done today, it just took me a minute to remember that it was filing the divorce. I'd say even I couldn't be that forgetful, but I think I could. I could also see myself subconsciously trying to put it off and sabotaging myself, though I like to think I have the mindfulness, if that's the right adjective, to avoid it. Even if that was the case, though, I caught myself and it's fine. Also maybe good that I was so tired, because Julian fed the cats at 7:45, and if I was less tired, I'd have already rushed in. Colleen sent a message thanking me for St. Lucia's "Elevate," and also for the lyrics in the Support playlist I made for her last year. (https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWGgbQUduaUnl4F3PDDCfwdw01hJC15gx&feature=share). Looking at it currently, not everything on the list *perfectly* captures my feelings on the topic, but what those lack in accuracy, they make up for in passion. In other words, I like them and they get an "A" for effort, so close enough. :-)) I am help, and in addition to letting her know I'd be delighted to assist with anything she could need, be it an ear, advice, a ride, whatever, I apologized for it taking this long to have a relationship. I understand why it did, though, don't get me wrong, even if I'm still getting the pieces together.

Even with the Guide and File, it still took me all morning to finish the forms, and looking back, now I wonder if I shouldn't have included a note explaining that the car, which is community property that I'm asking for in the divorce, only replaced my Separate Property car, and the circumstances. I thought I'd still have to print and sign the papers, then file them in person or something, but with the Guide and File, I just have to promise to print and sign them at some point. It feels so wonderful to watch progress happen, especially since Division One Courts are notoriously antiquated. Criminal minute orders are still hand written. I felt like I had something else I wanted to get done, but I was tired and Lady Miss Friday kept asking for treats. Come to think of it, those two things were constant, so it makes more sense why the divorce took so long. Phyllis sent me a broken attachment over messenger, so I took the opportunity to share the news. Trying to stay productive, I bought new sandals. I'd started looking for sandals with paw prints. I also deleted all my saved sign ins from Julian's tablet. Realistically, the fewer reminders we have of each other the better, anyway.

Gary Bell posted something about his self-help guru program and asked for volunteers to talk about it, and in addition to wanting to help my friend, Gary's one of those mysterious new friends that I don't remember Friending, and I've found him fascinating. We scheduled our meeting, I convinced him to meet remotely, and probably good that I did. It turns out he also requested I review the info on the site, but he was patient while I did. I read a bit about mindfulness, and I'd just been thinking about it, so we talked about that. I was thinking of trying to define mindfulness, and and landed on it at least encompassing both self-awareness and a necessary strength, because we're not perfect and therefore not going to like all parts of ourselves. That's maybe part of my Grim Glasses, though I don't remember what alternative way there was to thinking we'd never like every part of ourselves. At one point, I was trying to mention thinking generously/situationally of everyone, and stumbled into that battered woman syndrome trope of explaining away tantrums because "someone" had a bad day. I freaked out, but he calmed me down and we talked about the freak out, too. He also mentioned that my anxiety about Sliding Doors when I reach a junction inserts a *massive* amount of pressure on trying to make the "right" decision. Regulating the nervous system is the first step towards self-care. He recommended Brene Brown - the gifts of imperfection. As gay men, our perfectionism comes from the impression there was something wrong with us, so unless we're perfect, we don't deserve love. Thriving exists in a space of play. It's so incredibly important to not be all work and no play, because that's kind of the difference between existing and living.

Later in the evening, I took some dxm and read through my old journal entries. I feel like I can safely read through the rabbit hole years, especially securely bubbled up on ketamine or similar, but dxm is obviously much cheaper. I didn't make it to them, as I remembered all those nights I overdosed and I couldn't remember the day, year, month, or whatever other very basic facts they asked me to recite. Even worse, I was so far down the rabbit hole I didn't find that at all alarming, just chalked it up to my regular uncertainty on timing. It was obviously still a very, very productive day, and I'm tentatively satisfied with it.

Woke up a little before my 6:45 alarm, but I laid down again and then woke up just before I had to clock in. Good thing I'm not on site on Tuesdays anymore, though if I was, I probably wouldn't have closed my eyes again to begin with. Julian was still sleeping, so after I got settled in to work, I fed the kids and made up lost time for yesterday. Sent an email to Shawn to apologize for not getting the draft to him, but explained without going into too much detail that while extremely grateful for this opportunity, I don't know that I can give it, and these animals, the time and effort they deserve right now. Then called USAA about the accident. They sent the finalized accident report, and I guess based on the two accounts, believed the other guy, that he was driving normally and Julian hit him. State Farm is asking for almost twice my policy limits, so I signed the form letting them disclose the limits. It'll suck if they go after me for this, but I'll live. I've been through worse. Shawn called me a little later, and hadn't seen the email, just wanted to check on the draft. I didn't mention narrowly avoiding felony charges, but did tell him about the pending divorce and this new development.

Julian spent he day trying to get locked in to that place in La Mesa. They wanted $1475, but since they had so much trouble getting someone for the past several months, were willing to lower it to $`1300. Score! He had to get pay stubs, and despite berating his boss, managed to get them and get the application in. Julian had to run to the store to get cat food, so I went with him. I wanted to grab decaf instant, and picked up a couple extra sauces while I was there. Some peanut sauces and a kung pao sauce. I hesitated, but did end up buying the vegan cream cheese frosting. I could keep fighting it, but if I can actually allay the craving with a 1-200 calorie snack, that'd be better. I had a slice of bread with a thin spread of frosting, and it worked perfectly.