Just the Two of Us
Apr. 10th, 2022 02:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryUp disappointingly early, but I was productive with the extra time. Julian had mentioned he might swing by the picnic on his lunch break today, but wasn't even well enough to go to work in the first place. I hadn't done a very good job playing Julie the Cruise Director to manage who was coming, much less how everyone was getting around, and it ended up just being me and Colleen. And I meant to make or buy something substantial to bring, but I ran out of time and just brought the jalapeno chips. Made another couple dives into the motions for substitutions, then tried to figure out what to wear. Briefly considered a blue sweater, but I turned around for a second and Lady Miss Friday was frolicking around on it, or as close to frolicking as she gets at the moment. I tried to get a few pics, thought about posting them, but decided I was satisfied keeping them just for me.That was empowering and I intend to start me taking *a lot* more pics of her in general. Fear of failure really seeps into so many things. If I take the pics *to* upload them, uploading them becomes something I do for others and subject to their approval. Also, the sweater itself had holes. I should probably get rid of and/or replace a *bunch* of my clothing very soon. Like, yesterday. A decade ago. I can guarantee you that same sweater was already holy ten years ago. I think I've had it since middle or high school? Maybe?
I picked up Colleen, and just before we parked she asked some vaguely personal question or something.... like, a question that *could* be answered intimately or casually, or maybe I just overthink literally everything. But as I started my very long, striving to be very precise, answer and the very long analysis accompanying it, I paused as I resonated with the music. She asked why I paused, then agreed that the track was great. I thanked her for not making me feel weird about my relationship with music. And then realized that this might be our first event just us. Birth-mother and son. That feels weird to even type, and to the shock of no one, I'm uncomfortable having ties to people. Avoidant attachment style, or something. Someone brought vegan cookies from TJ's to the picnic, and kind of thank Gawd they did, because I didn't manage to eat anything else there. I saw Aaron there sans Ryan, and Mark and Jake, but Jake just said my hair made me look homeless and crazy. Good to see you too. I was in an anxious haze, but kind of bounced around introducing Colleen to everyone. Probably like a little kid excited to see their parent meet a favorite teacher or something. That sort of buzz. I'm not sure how that juxtaposed with my insane anxiety. Tim called while she was getting some lunch, agreed to come meet us for coffee at the nearby buzz, and told me Colleen had reached out to him recently, concerned because I'd gone silent. It is so weird to both love performing and want to disappear (simultaneously.) But Silver Lining (both the outstanding track by Rilo Kiley and the idiom), gratitude and whatnot, because given how close I've come to hopping off the mortal coil, even with my vanity, arrogance, etc., I probably wouldn't have made it if all I had was the crippling self doubt. Colleen and I walked to the coffee spot, then Tim later joined us with Pupple and we chatted for a bit before walking around the neighborhood. Colleen is going to come over for movie day one of these days, and I'll begin introducing her to the triad of good queer cinema. We passed by Norman's place, and it set my mind wandering. I haven't heard back from him in a year. I'm genuinely puzzled why. I'd say maybe he's just tired of me, but he's seen me stumble my way through the mess that's been my thirties, so it would be weird for him to tap out now. I hope he's alright. I somehow made it seem logical for Tim to drop Colleen off so I could run back to Lady Miss Friday. For all that it was very uncomfortable to spend all day away from her, I think my codependence is just a fun hobby, ultimately fully under my control. Probably. Plus, how much of it is codependence and how much wanting to have and cherish every moment we have, knowing how little time we ultimately have?
Patrick apologized for forgetting the picnic, but since I felt I'd dropped the ball by not checking in, we agreed to not hold any hard feeling against each other or ourselves, more or less. I gave him the song Colleen and I were struck by almost simultaneously, he gave me his vote of confidence on building a relationship with Colleen, and as fantastic as that is by itself, the fact that someone cheering me on didn't *itself* send me into a panic is huge progress.
I don't know how I did it, but I actually finished my first draft of all of the motions for summary judgment. Then reviewed and edited them about a dozen times, catching and fixing little things. I don't even know how to describe the feeling, but it was good.
I picked up Colleen, and just before we parked she asked some vaguely personal question or something.... like, a question that *could* be answered intimately or casually, or maybe I just overthink literally everything. But as I started my very long, striving to be very precise, answer and the very long analysis accompanying it, I paused as I resonated with the music. She asked why I paused, then agreed that the track was great. I thanked her for not making me feel weird about my relationship with music. And then realized that this might be our first event just us. Birth-mother and son. That feels weird to even type, and to the shock of no one, I'm uncomfortable having ties to people. Avoidant attachment style, or something. Someone brought vegan cookies from TJ's to the picnic, and kind of thank Gawd they did, because I didn't manage to eat anything else there. I saw Aaron there sans Ryan, and Mark and Jake, but Jake just said my hair made me look homeless and crazy. Good to see you too. I was in an anxious haze, but kind of bounced around introducing Colleen to everyone. Probably like a little kid excited to see their parent meet a favorite teacher or something. That sort of buzz. I'm not sure how that juxtaposed with my insane anxiety. Tim called while she was getting some lunch, agreed to come meet us for coffee at the nearby buzz, and told me Colleen had reached out to him recently, concerned because I'd gone silent. It is so weird to both love performing and want to disappear (simultaneously.) But Silver Lining (both the outstanding track by Rilo Kiley and the idiom), gratitude and whatnot, because given how close I've come to hopping off the mortal coil, even with my vanity, arrogance, etc., I probably wouldn't have made it if all I had was the crippling self doubt. Colleen and I walked to the coffee spot, then Tim later joined us with Pupple and we chatted for a bit before walking around the neighborhood. Colleen is going to come over for movie day one of these days, and I'll begin introducing her to the triad of good queer cinema. We passed by Norman's place, and it set my mind wandering. I haven't heard back from him in a year. I'm genuinely puzzled why. I'd say maybe he's just tired of me, but he's seen me stumble my way through the mess that's been my thirties, so it would be weird for him to tap out now. I hope he's alright. I somehow made it seem logical for Tim to drop Colleen off so I could run back to Lady Miss Friday. For all that it was very uncomfortable to spend all day away from her, I think my codependence is just a fun hobby, ultimately fully under my control. Probably. Plus, how much of it is codependence and how much wanting to have and cherish every moment we have, knowing how little time we ultimately have?
Patrick apologized for forgetting the picnic, but since I felt I'd dropped the ball by not checking in, we agreed to not hold any hard feeling against each other or ourselves, more or less. I gave him the song Colleen and I were struck by almost simultaneously, he gave me his vote of confidence on building a relationship with Colleen, and as fantastic as that is by itself, the fact that someone cheering me on didn't *itself* send me into a panic is huge progress.
I don't know how I did it, but I actually finished my first draft of all of the motions for summary judgment. Then reviewed and edited them about a dozen times, catching and fixing little things. I don't even know how to describe the feeling, but it was good.
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