If you're here, you could be there.

I woke in the middle of the night and had enough time that I took a pill and figured I'd still be up in time. While I waited for it to kick in, I saw a message from Colleen, noting she'd had drama and would soon be moving. I dug deeper, but she shied away. She supports the new religion, and that always gives me a little boost. In the morning, I got a Marco Polo message from Christina declining the board member position but wanting to support it otherwise, either financially or industrially. I'd forgotten to tell her about the basic financial function of the church, where we'll cover vet & food bills and the like for people wanting a rescue. Just had to make sure that hypothetical dystopia where no one donates for others, they all just use it to make their own vet bills tax-deductible wasn't actually a potential hindrance. I'm still not even sure how or if the church will make money, but I've spent more on less beneficial hobbies.

My session with Candace was heavy AF. One of the first things she said was that I never say that I want to change. It feels arrogant and narcissistic to say I deserve to not want to scrub my skin off with a steel brillo pad after I cum for not being good enough/a machine. But I can analyze it, get to know it, make it a little less powerful. Some of it's actually about sleepovers. I think I've talked about it before, come to think of it (insert hyperbolic recollection joke), but while I loved sleepovers as a child, I hated the morning after. That sort of awkward reminiscing. "Man, last night sure was great! Yep. Good old last night. So good. So old. Very old. The time when things were good. Which is not now. And therefore the times now are not good." No problem at all saying "sad it's over but glad it happened." But I'd been letting "sad it's over" completely eclipse "glad." She reiterated that I have BIG "Molested" energy, as the kids would say(?). Apparently molested children often internalize the abuse. "They're a good person. They wouldn't do this to me unless I deserved it. Therefore I deserve it." Not to brag, but I'm not sure if my Eagle Eye for my failings is common there, too, or if that's a peripheral bonus from my dad. Anyway, because we convince ourselves we're worse than worthless, we become almost desperate to make others happy and please them. Just a girl who can't say no. I should note that of course there are absolutely other factors that could cause these things, it's just one more block on my Molested Bingo. We briefly talked about my mom coming downstairs and opening my door when I was 13 to tell me it was good that I was practicing my clarinet because I really needed the practice. *REALLY* Really. Unfortunately, I missed her response.

I managed to stay focused the whole day. Inch by inch, I'm getting back completely on top of things. On my lunch break, I finally hopped over to Chase to cash the economic stimulus card, and was stonermazed at the cash counting machine that can tell them apart and sort them. Sean called again in the afternoon, but just wanted to pay me back some. I drove to him, since fuck walking, and he asked to use my bathroom. Gave me $180 cash, stayed outside to smoke for a bit first using the bathroom. I guess he didn't need it that bad? When he did come in, I closed the door so Lady Miss Friday didn't have to deal with strangers in her apartment. He was here for kind of a long time, and I'm not really sure what happened there or is going on with him. But yay getting partially paid back.

Naturally, I hopped on to Potmatess to see what kind of dabbable deals they had. The best was for some company called Vader. They only sold crumble, but their deal was $20 cheaper than the other concentrate deal. Alpine was out of a lot of carts, which is actually great in the long run because they're fucking awesome and I want the best for them. I think True OG has taken my #1 slot from Northern Lights, but I like switch-hitting. Just there, not on the sexuality spectrum. I got a lot, but unfortunately didn't have much luck dabbing. Figuring out how much to pack, how long to hit, how many hits each dab gives, etc. confused me, and when I did manage a hit, I thought I might find a lung on the bed next to me when I got done coughing.

Tim called me while I was still waiting for my order because his marina had given him 30-day notice. I guess his usual juggling of funds when it came to paying rent had taken a tumble when he broke his leg. I offered to just act as a middle man, so I'd pay it upfront then he'd pay me as the money came in that month. I'm aware as I write it now it would have been a recipe for disaster.

We talked some about my religion and I found the gatekeeping shoe drop I was waiting for. He feels it's more of a spiritual philosophy than a religion. Aren't religions spiritual philosophies though? And on the funding idea, said again that he thought HSUS did that. I thought I'd looked that up before, but couldn't remember for sure. They don't, for future reference. After the interrogation, he volunteered to help. I'll take it. I've got so much more planning to do before then. And lots and lots of work. Lots.

Lady Miss Friday was meowing strangely and licking her lips repeatedly, and just as I looked up that it meant nausea and dehydration, she vomited a waterfall onto the rug. Cleaned that up as best I could, and she kept drinking water and eating but seemed to keep it down better this time.

I woke up crazy early, but my meds enabled me to get back to sleep. I kept things balanced at work, diving into claims in the morning, then shifting to mail and incoming NOAs as they came in.

My session with Candace was interesting. She started out asking about my own conclusions to things we've talked about, but moved on from there to my mom's situation. I do still need to figure out why it's so hard for me to say no. The most fascinating part was in discussing folks like Mike, or my situation with Nick back in the day, and my focus is on what's going on with the other person to make them avoid contact with the person they owe (usually money, but whatever), as opposed to the fact that they are actively taking advantage of someone.

I managed to zip over to the thrift store on my lunch break, but among the veritable wall paper of neon papers all over was a note that they're closed on Mondays. I thought about running to Ralph's or the veteran's store, but the thought of how crowded it would likely be at Ralph's, plus the iffy tire pressure and fact that my license is suspended convinced me not to.

I should have cleaned or something, but I found myself overwhelmed by...everything. I never understood people on Atlantis cruises and the like being so happy to "unplug," but it has occurred to me on and off, that particularly for sexual solicitations, that being On Demand with phones, messenger, etc, it makes it too easy to get backed into a corner where you're forced to give them what they want or hurt them by rejecting them. I turned my phone off for a few hours, smoked all I could, and when that wasn't enough, added booze. I suppose there's always tomorrow.

I made good use of my time, and remembered my therapy session just in time. We talked some about my dissociation during sex, and came to the conclusion that I'm bassically the emotional equivalent of the Black Knight from Monty Python. We talked some also about how I hate cumming, and hate cumming even more when I'm with someone. I'd forgotten that the first time it happened was after FHA and I fucked in our room. Unfortunately, I don't think we came to any conclusions.

Lynelle emailed me with a bunch of cases I missed, and asked that I take care of some of JJD's, since he was at a doctor's appointment or something. It took me all day, but I did manage to get caught up on them, and even snagged a few of his case offers.

My mom called after work, but I was already drinking and I don't remember most of it.

I was worried, having been off yesterday, that the NOAs would overwhelm me, but they were fine. I got those done, and since Tim checked in on the time for my session with Candace, cleaned up a little. Bathroom, dishes, stove. The session was not as productive as usual, though I suppose that's understandable for where we are. I was a little disappointed, tbh, because my announcement that I can be a pothead instead of a drunk (or worse) was met with...indifference. I guess she's hoping I go sober. Tim mentioned that my grim-glasses are self-reinforcing with my depression, and I now know weltschmertz is a thing. The sadness of the world will bury you if you let it. Candace was similarly nonplussed by my rage at the food chain, and apparently my feeling that I'm not a "real" lawyer is incredibly common among attorneys.

I went to pay my credit card, but found a $50 charge for DoorDash from McDonald's on Friday. I checked with Julian and Terry to see if they'd bought it. Julian said no (I'd forgotten, I told him I would never buy meat), Terry got really angry. Demanded an apology. I declined. Unfortunately, my soy curls were due to arrive, and I figured I'd eventually need to check my mail. Soy curls dropped them at my door, and I decided I could check my mail tomorrow.

In reviewing my Memories on FB, I saw my post about getting Houdini from Pet Kingdom. I thought about tagging Joshua in it, since his adopting Houdini's brother saved me from myself, but Sir Loras just died and....I did cluck at myself for posting it anyway, sans tag. If the point was to save Joshua a Surprise Grieving, I shouldn't have posted anything at all. But the point is to live as ethically as possible, and to do that you must have a life of your own. On the plus side, the pic of Houdini that I snapped is one of my better mouse pics. Julian called, and he'd been drinking and was still drinking. He talked some about moving out here, but also talked about our various furkids. I think I've mentioned before that I constantly Sliding Doors my life. If I hadn't done X, would Y still have happened? What about Q? Unsurprisingly, I usually do this to beat myself up. If you hadn't DONE X, Y WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED, TRASH! But as I've mentioned, choosing to rescue feeder mice - even the path I took to get there - absolutely worth it. Julian mentioned that it's my legacy, and while that's way too strong a word....it's a goal. Unfortunately, he was tipsy enough to growl about my escorting, and then projected his own guilt from cheating on to me. Then growled about how expensive my apartment is...but it was somewhere between fantasy and nostalgia, because he kept talking about how much he loved his old studio, and how inexpensive it was....just forgetting that it was 5 years ago.

I smoked, took one watermelon, and felt divided. I'm going to weed so I don't have the calories and hangovers from booze. But I'm never high "enough." I can't possibly smoke so much I pass out.

Ugh. With my normal pills, I still woke up at 2. With an additional half pill, it still took me until 5 to drift off, and I woke up at 6. At least it made me sleepy enough to avoid getting up and watching Netflix or something.

I heard a knock at my door when I started working, but by the time I got there, tehy were gone. There was a grumpy text from Terry, as he'd come to offer me some soup Taka made. I explained the situation, turned down the soup, and focused on work. I messed up the order of operations on a Guilty Plea, and I'd missed a claim to be tagged. I spent the whole day *very* focused, and managed to get ahead again by the end.

My therapy session wasn't as useful as usual, I think, but that's largely my fault for not directing it correctly. We talked a lot about Julian's manipulations, subconscious as they might be, and about the times things got physical. She had a list of suggestions for me to write, but so much as writing "I am important" was extremely difficult. It felt like trying to climb over a wall in my head to write, much less believe.

Terry asked me to come to the dog park towards the end of my shift, but I did have to finish my work. When you're on a roll....He waited for me, and showed up to my door at exactly 4pm. He seemed a little tipsy, and wanted everyone to wear costumes. And then to take one of his videos he wants to upload to Youtube. Not being drunk myself, I wasn't as into it as usual, and kept taking breaks to read Right Wingers online. The rest of the folks at the dog park didn't seem to mind our performance, at least. He wanted to go somewhere after and make fun of people, but Taka and I tapped out. She was more focused on projects, and I was more focused on Lady Miss Friday.

I watched Lucifer at home, and as much as Mazikeen is my absolute favorite there, it features a *TON* of badass women.

Even with my pills, my body still tried to wake up between 2-4. Lady Miss Friday to the rescue, we spent time together, I got back to sleep.

I saw at the last minute that Kathy was out, so I took all her mail.... But then Lynelle just snagged it out of my folder. I am known. I managed to get all my mail done, claims tagged, and start working up NOAs. I enter NOAs tomorrow, but I feel like I'm getting a better handle on the workload.

My session with Candace was good, though kind of unexpected. She didn't ask for my homework, thank Gawd, though I had some semblance of Goals worked out. My assignment this week is to figure out my needs from a partner (other than them wanting to fuck me literally constantly). I'm not comfortable having needs. It feels too much like Vulnerability. We also talked some about my disordered eating. I'm having this weird thing where I'm not hungry very often..... But being me, I then push that further. When I ate on Friday night, it had been 3 days, almost 4. She wants me to make a deal with myself that I eat at least twice a day. I don't wanna get fatter. We talked about enabling, substances, partner parenting, etc. There's a lot.

My session later with Moncita, the neurologist's NP, was also decent. She still wants me to go on anti-seizure medication, but was very very careful not to push. She also said she's going to recommend an EMG or something, to address that weird numbness.

Weirdly, my journal entries from yesterday were.... Gone. It was like I hadn't been there at all. I managed to get refill them okay.

Terry messaged me towards the end of work, eating some vegan nuggets in a salad, and with pics of the catnip he saved. All but two of them died. I'm trying not to scream at myself, but some part of me always will. I knocked on his door when I checked my mail, and sat with his pups while we talked. He showed me his silver wig, I put it on, and it didn't look horrid. I still want one of my favorite hairstyle of my own, though. We talked about jealousy, and cheating, and revenge. We're very similar.

Then the bad news started cascading in. Chip texted me and Tim that he had to put Olive down. Her legs just completely gave out a few days ago, and there was nothing they could do. 13 years is a long time for a dog of her lineage and size, and I called him to reinforce that, thank him for everything he did for her, and check on him. Tim called while I was on the phone with him, so I couldn't take it. Rachel was next, letting me know that Julian was back in the hospital after more seizures. And apparently can't see out of one eye. Terry wouldn't let me leave at first, worried I was going to cut or similarly self destructive coping mechanism. I'm very honest, and I told him plainly I was going to go drink myself to sleep.

I called Tim back, and he's sick. Hoping it's not covid, but going to sleep on it tonight and go to the doc tomorrow. Low key fuck 2020.

I sort of wondered what to do with my day. Obv, I should have cleaned the place, but just...didn't. FHA had responded about My Dinner With Andre K, and it put so much into perspective. At least, somewhat. "...A crippling year-long drug addiction which cost him everything." I don't think I'm really in a position to analyze, but I think I have a tendency to downplay roughly everything, and as always, seeing it in black and white made it so much more real.

Julian texted me - he'd had a job interview, but didn't get it. Silver lining, it would have been very awkward to take a two week vacation right after starting, though maybe he could've just had a later start date. He's also taking care of a family of raccoons. I keep thinking about both him and Justin, not that it ever gets me anywhere.

I avoided the leftover K, but mostly bc it made me sleepy last time. Opted for weed and booze instead. Harm reduction? Maybe? Maybe I should get a sponsor, but I'm so fucking scared of them rejecting me bc I don't want to be sober, or have a relapse, or..... I would be happy to talk to a therapist about this but 1) I can't find one, and 2) at least one of them had the answer of "just...be sober - problem solved!"

For having gone to bed so late, I had none of the iron-exhaustion from last night. Ashley texted me - apparently somehow the shirt I ordered for her a week after the main order got there first, but her shirt also started losing its image. I gave her TeeFury's email, but let her know I'd just buy her another one if they won't replace it. The Appointment signal from Outlook reminded me to put on a shirt in time for the weekly meeting, and it was lovely, in spite of Lady Miss Friday's absence. Kathy commented about how we'll be splitting up Lindsay's work after she leaves, and complimented me in the process. Someone brought up the Anti-maskers, their aversion to facts, and the exhaustion that comes from trying to explain very simple things to them. Always the giver, I requested they tap me in if they get tired. Apparently Lynelle can be just as condescending as me, which I might even believe. She's an impressive woman. Funnily enough, I kept minimizing the Meeting window to educate some poor fool online, posting a fucking Youtube video as "proof" that Dr. Fauci lied. I explained what Dr. Fauci had *actually* said, and he ran away.

The eservice was late enough that we had to split up Lindsay's work, and I was very happy I've been so caught up on my claims. Another friend got into a tiff with his dad, in response to his dad's making some tangential comment about the "fascist left-wing." I very politely chewed him up and spit him out, and my investigation re: riots and political violence came in very handy. Or at least, it would have if his response hadn't been "nu-unh." I guess that's the logical conclusion of the combination hyperpartisanship and anti-intellectualism. Perhaps in support of this, he had several people jump in....but just to shout "Merica, Fuck yeah!", not to provide any sources or citations. My mom keeps posting Right Wing nonsense, but a) it's rapid fire. I wouldn't have the time to address all of them. And b) even with my fangs put away, it would feel...hostile.

It turns out Megan is also a fan of that TikTok video with people using catphones to lip sync to Sandra Oh from Princess Diaries, and in the discussion, she coined the phrase "Lazy Miss Friday," and Tim mentioned he'd seen foie gras eat less. Hilarious, but...heavy. I watched some Community and drank in the evening, but I kept thinking about music, so I eventually paused it and went to listen in my room. Lady Miss Friday was initially upset with me being on the computer, but calmed down once I put a shirt I put out for her. It's....still an uncomfortable idea that anyone could like me without me giving something to them. I sent Richard a message, thanking him more directly for telling me she likes sleeping on my shirts. It was a little weird at first, because he didn't remember doing that, which says something about relative gravity...that TV has already said for many years. But he also asked if I'd done more porn, and it led to me admitting my sex was largely compulsive, dissociative, and most of my validation.

Getting up was *rough,* and it's largely only thanks to my alarm I didn't sleep through the morning. I actually did think it was the weekend again when I woke up, but given the alarm and all...Coffee fixed it, and of course it was hard for me to get up even knowing that in advance.

The morning was busy AF, between items that came in yesterday after work, hunting down then entering old and new NOAs, and nearly 160 eservice items. I was actually a couple (no, literally a couple) minutes late to the meeting, and Lynelle sent and email asking about me and "Ms. Friday." Thankfully, she was sitting next to me when I logged in, and got cries of enthusiasm from everyone. The afternoon calmed down some for me, though I still didn't manage to get to reviewing any claims.

Sean messaged me in the afternoon, and my brain immediately thought Jason had told him about my drug use. Not like I haven't been open about it on FB, but not a lot of folks know the details. I calmed down, though, and talked about my mental health and the struggles and progress there.

I've started leaving more comments on Youtube videos, and the different reactions and responses have been intriguing. I did find an acoustic version of "When Am I Gonna Lose You," and instead of watching Community, spent the night alternating between the original and the acoustic. His high note in the acoustic version is so much clearer, but the build in the original is better. I thought more about the video, and as I've mentioned, it hits me in much the same way Ghost Inside by Broken Bells does. Ghost is more dangerous because I feel like such a failure for not being able to help. This one....we've all been there, and I want to comfort her, but I know there's little to be done for someone during that terrible readjustment. The brain literally has to readjust to stop thinking of "me" as "we."

Woke up in the middle of the night, despite my meds, or maybe I forgot them and popped others instead? I petted Lady Miss Friday, let her outside for a bit. Came very close to accidentally shutting her outside, but fortunately went looking for her. I texted some with Brandon, then cut a pill in half, since I didn't need the full 8 hrs.

Chugged into work in the morning, got almost all the claims in the queue done, got a big chunk of my TDP work done, then zipped to the pharmacy on my break, but they only released one bottle.

I laid with Lady Miss Friday after work, and felt so incredibly content. Look, all I ask is that nothing ever experience unhappiness around me... Is that so much to ask? I'll take it all! I will 100% just take all your unhappiness in, maybe burn or cut or something, and you can be happy.

Tim asked to come over later, he cooked up tofu, we walked Pupple, and he's going to call in on my next therapy appointment. I'm just.. Not good at that. I am realizing that most of the work in therapy is a) done by you, solo, and b) requires you to want to change. And probably requires more than my very basic and flat out false ideas about just... Not... Doing all the things I shouldn't. We also talked about Julian, and my literal need to help or fix. And my *vicious* retribution on myself for failing impossible tasks.

My mom tagged me in a post around midnight, so I called her. She ended up talking about my brother and his current tirade to get Papa's ring from Grandpa. We've got a plan.