If you're here, you could be there.

Super tired in the morning, and thank heavens I work from home. I was unusually productive, which gives the same feels as crossing things off a to-do list. I had my intake interview with Alicia, the head of therapy at The Center. It was a little awkward trying to describe what I want to address, though. One, as always I have a terrible, terrible memory, and two, I felt fine during the call, and it's so easy for me to forget anything is wrong when Right Now feels okay. I eventually managed to recall...a lot. At least enough to describe my the events surrounding my addiction and depression. There was some confusion over the 5150s, because they weren't actual attempts. I've always said that if I ever do try, I'm going to succeed. As badly as I've wanted out for... Decades now.... if I ever get that bad, I'm not taking chances. I messaged Tim to ask, but he didn't have details. Just that it was a combination of my ideation and a complete inability to care for myself. I'm not even sure how that qualifies for a 5150, tbh.

My webcam wouldn't connect for the meeting, so I jumped in on my phone again. It got us through it. And everyone thought my story of finding the paper for my mice was *hilarious.* I get the feeling it was less about the story, and more just for the idea that I get so ecstatic over...happy mice.

I did manage to get my Dabtab pen to work but....very little effect. I spent a lot of time after work looking at other options. I found a decent deal on NERDS ropes, but it was cash only. I looked at various other tinctures, pills, etc, but nothing seemed to be cost-effective. Eventually, I stumbled on shatter cartridges, which are ridiculously high THC %. Like, a usual cartridge would have 80%, where an average joint has around 20. At the same time, my dabtabs are 60 and not doing much for me. It's worth a shot, I guess. They run on standard 510 thread batteries, and while I have had bad experiences with them, I'm willing to give it another shot. None of the weed delivery delivery places had a standard 510 for sale, just proprietary ones. I resisted the urge to run out and try to find one in person, hopped online and found one highly reviewed and pretty cheap. We'll see what happens.

Tim came over in the evening, since he was already in North Park. He cooked up some "beef" and black beans in enchilada sauce, though I wasn't hungry. He talked some about how much I've changed from last year to this one, or even in the last couple months. He also mentioned that several times while I was using he'd rush over if I stopped answering, thinking the G had finally offed me, and how he regrets being so invested when he needed to be taking care of his own life. I mean, that certainly makes sense. I managed to get a decent high with the RSO, tincture, Dabtab, Plug, and the last bit of the red wine from the store. I chowed into the dinner after he left, then crashed.