If you're here, you could be there.

Lady Miss Friday woke me up crazy early, but I just made sure she had breakfast and pulled the covers over my head. That's about as much Wake Up Squeak treatment as I'm capable of giving her. I needed to do something minor outside, and figured as long as I had my sandals on, I should probably take out the trash and recycling as well. All the heft in my trash is cat litter and coffee grounds. It'll be fascinating to see what happens now that I've largely swapped to freeze dried (decaf) coffee. I also "made" my bed, which was really just straightening out my blanket and making sure Lady Miss Friday had plenty of laid out clothes to sleep on. I listened to her snore when I didn't have my headphones in.

I had a very productive day - took care of those claims from yesterday, browsed through to make sure I had no outstanding claims waiting to be tagged (at Dave's suggestion), and got closer to setting up the D&D group at work. I'd pushed previously, but I felt like the thread petered out without my pushing. JJD picked up the torch, though, and once I was certain I wasn't bothering anyone, we trucked on. We tentatively set it to be the first Friday of the month, and I thought about Bear Night. Y'know...before. Before my addiction, before quarantine.

Continuing on yesterday's music binge, I listened to a couple of Jesse's contributions. One was some sort of tripped out rap, and I did try, but...no go. The other was Tei Shi performing Bassically live. I heard a version of it before, but didn't care so much for it. This one, however, was stellar. The melody has a great layering effect at 3:12, and you can actually hear the effort in her voice on her high notes. Jesse correctly noted "rage," but that doesn't seem adequate. To me, it seems to be a desperate, painful rage. Like she's gonna kill the monster or herself, or both, and she's not really sure which. Since I mostly only ever really swooned at the high notes, I wasn't actually sure if the 3:12 part was new to the live performance, or I'd just overlooked it. Oh, alright, just this once, I'll go back and listen to them both. It was new for the live version. I get that the Music Group is very, very small, and would easily fizzle out without my constant engagement, but I've gotten so much out of it.

When I noticed it was getting dark, I put food out for my stray friend, and was delighted when a few seconds later, they came to chow down. Well, semi-delighted, as the only reason I knew they were there was because Lady Miss Friday went to stare down my new friend. I closed the curtains, and even though she could have just pushed the blinds aside, she got distracted by the catnip. Huzzah! Once they were done eating, I checked my mail. A bill from my pharmacy and a large envelope. Inside was the certificate from Lords of Kerry, granting titles to Lady Miss Friday and me. Apparently whether the titles are "real" or not is something of a gray/grey area, but I'm not really that worried if the title, itself a remnant of feudalism, that I bought for my cat carries no real rights and privileges. I never even got around to looking up whether cats could legally be ennobled. I've got part of that "crazy rich person obsessed with furkids" thing down. I'll let you guess which.

Woke up crazy early. Couldn't get back to sleep, but closed my eyes next to Lady Miss Friday, then addressed various video game and social media things until it was time to clock in. I drank a lot of coffee, naturally, got the NOAs done, and managed to start getting caught up. Even without being able to work on Friday, I should be ducky. I posted the track by Wild Child, though it was another blank stare from the other members.

After work, Tim got a call from the marina. Something about the number of cars parked there or something, and since Tami just pays the like....roommate fee or something, she doesn't get a space. He called Tami and she got flustered, but did eventually agree to move her car. Sort of. There was a lot of haggling and arguing. For a while, she was going to use my parking space, so I needed to get my car fixed. Then she decided against it, but was too busy to take Tim to Tootie's. So I had to get my car fixed anyway.

I cleaned for the mice and gave them fresh food and treats while I waited for them to figure things out and AAA to get here. It was magical watching them dig into the treats and run around exploring and not being eaten by snakes. I saw an article noting that Holland successfully found homes for every dog in the country, and thought again about starting Symbism. I just need to look up the funding methods and filing requirements.

I drove Tim to the marina, and on the way he asked if I'd still have had my addiction if we'd stayed together. I think I would have. I described myself as an addict looking for a drug for a long time. Apparently early on in our relationship he noticed my *highly* addictive personality. I noted that, much like Christina saving me from myself before, I don't think I could have been saved by anyone but him last year. He agreed that I successfully pushed almost everyone away. He also suggested going to Group again, but just for depression, not addiction. It is interesting that even with my pills, I'm not always so great at staying afloat.

I managed to find his boat, Pupple said hello, and I picked up his shorts, his meds, and peanut butter pretzels. Then stopped at a gas station to get him some water, because apparently when he broke his leg, he also became part cactus. A really really cute gent named Pablo chatted with me while he rang me up. Tootie lives near her old place, and I think near that one massively massively hung escort I worked with once. Greg something, and while I got along great with him, I mostly remember because Ken had previously hit on him, and he left it on Read. I'm petty, I keep score, etc etc etc. I walked Pupple for a bit, got Tim inside with all his things, and finally went home. It wasn't all that late, but I was exhausted. I latched on to the life raft of my furkids being happy and crashed.

I got to work just fine, and as pretty much always, the meeting reminded me to de-hobo myself. I spent a longer time working, so really just had time to buzz my beard and put on a shirt. No one was surprised that I started wearing headphones for Lady Miss Friday, but she joined for the meeting anyway. Also, I can hear added layers to the music I listened to. Win-Win! At just about the end of the meeting, Dave went into the Spolin firm that's been getting retained on so many cases, and why it was bad to have a trial attorney handle the appeal. It boils down to IAC, and we also talked about ways to report him, though that's more the responsibility of the courts. Somehow, we also got onto the topic of taking the Bar exam. I think Lynelle and Dave both passed their first time, but I told a family-friendly version of getting my test results.

Tim asked to use my bathroom in the afternoon, so I cleaned up some. Not that he hasn't seen it, and me, worse, but it did get me thinking about how I de-hobo myself for the meetings, and how I largely clean for guests. I wondered how bad things would get if I was a long-term hermit. Let's not even consider what would happen if I didn't have Lady Miss Friday. Sam also stopped by to give me a Hanukkah present. Drinking Dreidels. It was *super* cute, and took all my strength not to run out and buy a handle of vodka and play against myself.

Tim forgot his phone, but also disappeared while I was still working and listening to music on repeat. I texted Tami about it, but not sure if she told him or he remembered and swung back for it. He commented on how deeply I was drawing on my pen, but....could be worse. A lot worse. A friend in Recovery had posted about starting weed strictly medicinally, and I was very pleased to see so many comments in favor of it. Long term Recovery apparently often involves a substitution of some kind. Coffee, cigarettes, food, whatever. Another friend in Recovery had posted a few quotes regarding addiction, and there was one that said something along the lines of not being addicted to any specific thing, necessarily, but just needing that patch. The quote talked about loving yourself, but I'm back to at least 1/day at that, and pretty good at it.

I watched The Magicians in the evening until Lady Miss Friday summoned me to bed. I'm learning the difference when she's fine on the couch or watching the outside, vs when I'm being summoned. Baby steps.

Two pills, taken late, (started slow, started late) gone to bed late after waking up too early, and I still woke up crazy fucking early. Not really sure what time it was, because I'd turned my phone off last night to save power, but it was still dark. Meh. I felt like I didn't spend enough time with LMF last night, so I made up for lost time with the extra hours before work. Since it was *finally* my day to really dig in to claims, and I promised I'd take NOAs tomorrow, I worked like Annie Adderall all day. Metric fuckton of claims done, NOAs worked up, mail processed, etc, etc. Lady Miss Friday even cooperated by sleeping all day and letting me work. I did read a few trolls later in the day, and even got to catch my cousin, Ruth, copy-pasting some fantasy about Zuckerberg saying he'd block the Lord's Prayer. Lorde, why do your followers have such a fetish for imagined oppression? She got testy with me just for asking when he'd said that, so I stopped refraining from condescension. Don't come for me unless I send for you.

In cleaning for Jason, I'd straightened up some mail and papers, and found some notes of handwriting I couldn't identify, citing the various symptoms that eventually got me sent to rehab. I don't think things were as bad in my Golden Hill apartment as they maybe were at my last place on Cleveland, but....there was that one time I don't remember, when my apartment was apparently covered in blood and I almost died. I watched some Lucifer in the evening, still avoided smoking, and Lady Miss Friday tried to meet me halfway and laid on the couch...for a while. Time flies when you're having fun, and I missed my 8pm mark to take my meds. I stayed up longer, just sort of being stubborn (who, me?), but Lady Miss Friday eventually told me it was bedtime.

I was going to zip over to the store before work, since I was out of creamer and needed a few other things, but I couldn't find my keys. Then the website wouldn't even let me clock in. I managed to take care of the NOAs in the morning, but the mail was tremendous.

I listened to a few more Claire Guerreso songs, since "Ashes" is so stellar, and it turns out her music is *very* popular for use in TV.

My session with Candace was interesting. I'd forgotten about my tendency to go nuclear. Tim's friend Mark is the same way, and there must be a word for it? We have no sense of proportion. A minor attack means all out war, and fuck the Geneva Convention. I feel uneasy about it, because the only examples I could think of were either easily explained or signs of much deeper issues, like when I told someone their father was right to beat them. I don't even remember what sparked that, but I guarantee it wasn't that level of horrid. Overall, I've gotten much better with mine...somewhat obviously, since I forgot about it, but as stoned and tipsy as I was when I called Julian on his ish, I absolutely recognized the feeling. My homework to look up the definitions for Assertive, Aggressive, and Passive Aggressive, and eventually find a partner who's Assertive and Empathetic.

I hopped out on my lunch break - I was going to just drop off my ballot at the library, but the light was taking forever, so I just put fuel and air in my tire, then bought creamer and such. The tire almost didn't happen, as whatever's going on with my nerves almost prevented me from unscrewing the lid. I managed to get the tire that looked a little low done, and after driving a bit, the light turned off. I think I bought some excess stuff at the store...I've been wanting nuggets, but every time I go by them in the store, I note that Whole Foods carries them for less, so I'll go there....eventually. Got those, cat food, creamer, and even the vegan cheese Ralph's is now making. I also swung by the bank, because the next time Alpine Northern Lights is on sale, I'm going to stock up.

Unfortunately, I bit down on my vape pen in the morning, and it cracked my cart. Then I stuffed my vape pen in my pocket, intending to plug it in before I left. I forgot about it, it broke, and now I've got THC concentrate all over my pocket. My pens are not cooperating. I took a whole package of edibles by the end of the night, trying to get stoned, but maybe it was a bad batch or something.

I ripped into a few Trumpets online, and I was going to finish Journaling, but Lady Miss Friday was constant and adamant that I lay next to her on the bed instead. I jotted a few notes into my physical journal, started re-reading The Shattered World, and called it an early night next to her.

I woke up in the middle of the night. Either I stuffed a Q-tip too far in my ear or I've got an infection or something. Managed to doze off a bit more before work, jumped into claims, but then Din emailed about a bunch of eservice being left from Friday, and Kathy pointed out she'd switched our days on the new schedule, so I have Wednesdays now. I was honestly kind of surprised at myself, because I got all the eservice downloaded, sorted, and got a good chunk of mine done before I had to pause for the meeting.

Lady Miss Friday was already napping by the time of the meeting, and I'm glad no one said anything. We really didn't have anything specific we needed to go over, so Kathy just asked everyone's favorite dessert (toasted walnut anything), and where their grandparents were born (no fucking clue). I remembered to call my mom back after, and among other topics, she mentioned I need to give myself credit for accepting help when I needed it.....eventually. Apparently I've always been violently independent. She did still take a dig at Colleen, but it took me 38 years and addiction to get off the battlefield, and I was just a conscript.

Tim wanted to come say hi since he was in the area, and mentioned that yesterday was somewhat awkward for him as well, as Candace focused on different topics. We talked some about our perspectives on time and aging. Apparently when my nonprofit was dying, a squeaked Squeak said he wasn't sure his point of existing without it. Tim talked about his own journey from military, to journalism, to boats, and the good I've done for people and animals.

Lady Miss Friday asked that I lay with her after work, so I left the computer, put a shirt down, and she laid next to me. I stayed even after she fell asleep; it was just so nice to be there with her. We listened to "Tether Me" on repeat, and for all that it was a humorous post circa Silver Lining, I really do worry about annoying her. I swapped out my cart (the Alpine Northern Lights was empty), and had to sit myself down and have a small chat. The King Louis OG from Kingpen was nowhere near as good. I'll still finish it, and try their Skywalker OG, but the whole reason I bought 3 different strains was to find *one* that works for me. I can't be mad that my first choice was the right one.

I finished Lucifer. On the one hand, it doesn't really end, it just sort of...stops. On the other, they introduced God at the end of the final episode, and even for a show like Lucifer, that's jumping the shark. Rachel messaged me, asking me to get in contact with Julian, because he had a huge fight with his mum. I texted him, but didn't hear back. I was very tempted to go buy booze, but refrained. I'll need to snag cat litter soon, and I imagine vodka will appear in my cart as well.

Boyd, a Twitter friend, had checked in on me a few days ago, and I finally found the time to give a detailed answer. I'm usually on my phone, so my responses have often been less complete than he deserves, but I found time at a keyboard. We filled each other in on some delicate details. I told him about everything that happened in the last year, he noted that he was addicted to meth forever.

At Tim's suggestion, I called the Postal Annex for packing paper. I overshare, and maybe it's the "vegan" in me, but I made sure to tell her it was for rescue feeders. People should follow Albert Schweitzer's advice. When I did log in to work, it was tough to stay focused because I had so many non-work things pressing on me. A week's worth of over half of all claims plus 2.3 digits of mail is a lot on a remote connection. To say nothing of the back of my brain screaming at me all fucking morning that my mice were going to die horribly if I didn't clean their cage THIS SECOND and I'm a horrible Mouse Dad, and they would have been better off being left as feeders....and then Lady Miss Friday being *really* unhappy with me being on the computer. I decided to section it out. I spent the morning on claims (with a small break to lay with her on the bed with her, according to her demands), zipped to the Postal Annex on lunch, cleaned the kid's cage, gave them all crunched up wads of paper to hide, play and chew in, then tucked into the eservice after lunch. Really, I was on kind of a roll, and would have happily kept working for free....I even asked about putting in volunteer hours. An addictive personality doesn't discriminate.

While I was on break, I called my mum. I haven't in a while, she's been posting *a lot* in support of me....and I obviously needed her help with my homework. She did mention that last year was Hell for her, too, so I guess both of our issues started exploding at the same time. She confirmed a lot of Tim's thoughts. Used the exact words that Papa played us against one another. When I mentioned that I worshiped him as a child, she noted he demanded that. And used guilt and shame to control us. I tend to forget that my dad was sort of Diet Racist, if even diet, but she told me that he would insult her Mexican heritage to shut her up in public. He hated people responding "Okay" to a request, and would explode at her when she did... but she learned that, and would use it passive aggressively. Unsurprisingly, she's still on the battlefield, so she also took this opportunity to bash Colleen, but I learned that Papa was initially going to surrender us at start of the divorce because he was so heartbroken. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like, but I would never say anything like that to my mum.

I also learned some things about me. Apparently FHA's friends who called me a ticking time bomb were not the first by many, many years. She did note that I've always been Harmony Bear, just with much more extreme reactions when I was little. They took steps to try to mitigate the damage from the divorce on me and my brother, according to our situations. Ultimately, we've all of us been dragged down in this poisonous, barbed tangle...that's on fire. I knew I was an incredibly withdrawn child, which apparently was a sudden change that occurred around the first time I was apparently molested. Jared exploded from the various traumas, I wanted to disappear.

But she told me what might be my absolute favorite story about me as a child, as fucked up as that might be. We had Japanese exchange students growing up, and I got along swimmingly with most of them. Actually, since this was before I had any inkling of the gay gravitation towards fabulous women, I had several "girlfriends." But apparently one of the male students was awful. I don't know his name, so we'll just call him Jerk. We were at Faith & Ray's, Jerk was fucking with their dog, Miles, and I'd been asking him repeatedly (in my passive, shy voice) to stop. And then Miles yelped. Faith came running when she heard the yelp and saw my face *change.* I went after the kid, and I wasn't about to not fuck him the fuck up, to borrow a phrase from Lana del Rey. Faith stopped me, but no one had ever seen my temper before. Literally all of my parents were Animal Friends, vicious as a rabid Chihuahua, and Papa had actually killed a fuckton of people as a military operative, so it's not terribly surprising that The Thing to flip me from a painfully withdrawn child into a literal murderous rage would be cruelty to animals. Come to think of it, not a lot has changed.

I didn't end up eating at all yesterday, and despite my stomach rumbling today, nothing sounded edible. I finally had a handful of pretzels in the evening, just to put something in my system. And then smoked and had wine. My tummy got upset after my second glass of wine, though, and I threw up.

FHA messaged me in the evening with a picture of a seal and a pup cuddling together on the beach, and it sent me back to Pinterest to look at even more happy pinnipeds. I don't believe in "enough." We also took that opportunity to catch up a bit. He's had...a week, but it's taking steps to fix things. Shit I should have done decades ago.

I thought the 24 hour wait time for Allan was enough, so I posted Silver Linings to the music group, though only Mitchell reacted. I checked in Bryan Riley and Ashley, listened to it a few hundred more times, watched my happy, happy mice run around their new playground, let Lady Miss Friday out once more.

I was going to crash, but Julian sent me a YouTube video of 2Cellists. I've seen them before - two conventionally if absurdly attractive Bros who are also cello prodigies. He sent the message with the caption "their hot," but when I replied I'd subscribe to their Only Fans, it started a whole thing. He called me, thinking I was under the influence, and insisted he wasn't.... Even when he left to get another beer. It was a reminder of the reasons we broke up.