Outage in the Depths
Dec. 9th, 2020 12:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryUp in the dark, but between my meds and Lady Miss Friday, I managed to....not quite doze, but I guess just relax or something.
Travis's hit single "Sing" had been tickling around the back of my head while I went to sleep last night, and since it was still running around, I went ahead an posted it to the Music Group as Dusty. Naturally, I listened on repeat for a while, and found it striking me emotionally in a lighter version of what Polica's "Wandering Star" used to. I suppose that for all that I've acknowledged my own co-evolution regarding emotions, knowing the truth is not the same as being empowered to change it.
I had thought about buzzing my beard, both because it was getting too fuzzy and since basic hygiene is one of my therapy goals, as absurd as that sounds. I did, at least, not let perfect be the enemy of good and filled out the yearly review survey that management had asked for. It was surprisingly interesting, asking questions about recognition and reward. I avoided writing answers for the most part, since I'm aware something as simple as my speech pattern would be a dead give away. We had the weekly meeting, and it felt like some sort of milestone. Lynelle's voice shook when she talked about the year we've had and the importance of the survey, someone commented something in the vein of that Venn Diagram between Absolute Narcissism and Crippling Self Doubt, and Xochi recommended ashwagandha for sleep and numbing, but I think I've tried it before to try to get more/any precum, and nada. Din ended things talking about a recently deceased cat, and it turned into him talking about his father, who died around the same time. I don't have a relationship with Din where I could give insight on issues he hints at or alludes to, but doesn't claim, so I kept silent.
In the evening, I went moth hunting and watched the last of The Magicians. Moth-wise, I've killed a lot more manually than the traps have. Good? Since I can't help but make jokes, I always say "high-five, yo" when I smash them. Anything at all to distract from the horrid feeling. I also took a Seroquel, and my normal two a little early.
Possibly related, but I was unprepared for Q's line in The Magicians, "Did I do something brave to save my friends? Or did I finally find a way to kill myself?" I think it probably hit home the same way for a lot of folks who's waters are rife with heavy rip currents.
That same awkwardness and duality of being so content next to Lady Miss Friday...and therefore adding that to the reasons I'd be happy to not be here rose up, but it was thankfully just shortly before I fell asleep.
Travis's hit single "Sing" had been tickling around the back of my head while I went to sleep last night, and since it was still running around, I went ahead an posted it to the Music Group as Dusty. Naturally, I listened on repeat for a while, and found it striking me emotionally in a lighter version of what Polica's "Wandering Star" used to. I suppose that for all that I've acknowledged my own co-evolution regarding emotions, knowing the truth is not the same as being empowered to change it.
I had thought about buzzing my beard, both because it was getting too fuzzy and since basic hygiene is one of my therapy goals, as absurd as that sounds. I did, at least, not let perfect be the enemy of good and filled out the yearly review survey that management had asked for. It was surprisingly interesting, asking questions about recognition and reward. I avoided writing answers for the most part, since I'm aware something as simple as my speech pattern would be a dead give away. We had the weekly meeting, and it felt like some sort of milestone. Lynelle's voice shook when she talked about the year we've had and the importance of the survey, someone commented something in the vein of that Venn Diagram between Absolute Narcissism and Crippling Self Doubt, and Xochi recommended ashwagandha for sleep and numbing, but I think I've tried it before to try to get more/any precum, and nada. Din ended things talking about a recently deceased cat, and it turned into him talking about his father, who died around the same time. I don't have a relationship with Din where I could give insight on issues he hints at or alludes to, but doesn't claim, so I kept silent.
In the evening, I went moth hunting and watched the last of The Magicians. Moth-wise, I've killed a lot more manually than the traps have. Good? Since I can't help but make jokes, I always say "high-five, yo" when I smash them. Anything at all to distract from the horrid feeling. I also took a Seroquel, and my normal two a little early.
Possibly related, but I was unprepared for Q's line in The Magicians, "Did I do something brave to save my friends? Or did I finally find a way to kill myself?" I think it probably hit home the same way for a lot of folks who's waters are rife with heavy rip currents.
That same awkwardness and duality of being so content next to Lady Miss Friday...and therefore adding that to the reasons I'd be happy to not be here rose up, but it was thankfully just shortly before I fell asleep.
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Date: 2020-12-14 01:56 am (UTC)OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I screamed, this was so funny to me. I kinda want you to do that to some people's faces, full forced.
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Date: 2020-12-15 06:30 am (UTC)