Homecoming
May. 28th, 2021 09:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryJulian had messaged me after I went to sleep with a Plan C for his cats. Rachel. I talked to her later in the morning and she confirmed. She loves Julian and really appreciated the legal assistance I gave her the other day. She also borrowed my car for the day. We actually are going to work it out where she borrows my car when I'm working from home, and her day off is the day I have to go in. Score!
It was my official day for eservice, but between my doing everything yesterday and Carl giving a head start, I was done within 15 minutes. All according to plan, really, because I got to introduce the idea of just putting all the eservice into the main eservice folder during the day so people can also start on tomorrow's work if they want. I got everything sorted for the substitution, though I should have double-checked on the matching choice before sending it to Elaine. For some reason, we had another weekly meeting, though this one was just the CM Team. It was one of what I'm sure will be many needed reminders that I don't have work on Monday. It went a little long, but it was great. Between that and a bunch of complex NOAs for my digits, I didn't finish all of Monday's mail for my & JJD's digits. Grrr.
I chatted some with Chip, some with Tim, and even spoke to my mom on the phone. Chip sent a pic from PS with me & Doug. I think that was the first time I thought he might be juicing. But I was even (relatively) happy with my body then, and sans vomiting or drugs. I'd love to get back to it. Chip, of course, has an extensive collection of pics of me, since he's far more organized. He's going through them now to eliminate duplicates, etc., and then send me a thumb drive. Tim was still concerned about the relationship. Especially given last night's unfortunate tantrum. I was definitely in Justification Mode, because I tried to excuse it by saying I'm hoping that once Julian learns he *can't* hurt me, he'll stop trying to. As soon as I said it, I realized how insane it was. Julian and I had spoken before about our oddly matched dysfunctions, and recently I'd begun to think of it as a far more specific version of my usual Silver Lining when I fall down. I can help others with the experience I've gained. So the better I understand what my roadblocks have been, the better I can assist Julian in navigating the same. I also considered that my need to help unfortunately fits his need to be saved. Knowing the truth isn't the same as being empowered to change it, but it's a good start. And he sent me a Wikipedia entry for Peter Pan Syndrome. Finally, the conversation with my mom was surprisingly mundane. No consternation over my marriage, though I did mention how proud I was of her for accepting, for example, my night job. Not that she had much choice, but take me or leave me is still a choice. She's working on identifying and navigating her current roadblocks, which I think is fantastic. There was a slight double-take because she asked me if California forbid gender. It was just a recent law allowing people to change their gender. I'm glad she asked.
Julian asked me to get insulin from my vet, but I don't think it works like that, and I don't have a vet. He'd left his insulin at the hotel. He had it today, so we'll just need to take care of it tomorrow. I coordinated with Rachel to take his kids when he got in later, even if it was after midnight. I thought about staying up, but just unlocked the door and tried to nap while I waited. He walked in around 1, so I definitely made the right choice. His beer from the last trip was still in the fridge, so we had a drink to celebrate. I addressed the extremity of his tantrum and my own difficulty in handling it without going nuclear. But I also remembered Tim telling me Julian knew I was falling down the rabbit hole but still talked to me all the time. I'm aware Julian used me to get back to San Diego and avoid homelessness. But I also think that was just a side benefit. Obviously, I have a lot to discuss with Candace. He asked about work and I noted that his last trip had unbalanced my ship, but I'd righted and stayed steady. I'm not sure if Julian is always an enabler, but he certainly is with me. And vice versa, obv. I advised rehab again and offered to sober (from booze) to help. He talked about how to moderate with and for each other, and I'm willing to give it a shot. And true to our MO, we fucked right there in the living room.
It was my official day for eservice, but between my doing everything yesterday and Carl giving a head start, I was done within 15 minutes. All according to plan, really, because I got to introduce the idea of just putting all the eservice into the main eservice folder during the day so people can also start on tomorrow's work if they want. I got everything sorted for the substitution, though I should have double-checked on the matching choice before sending it to Elaine. For some reason, we had another weekly meeting, though this one was just the CM Team. It was one of what I'm sure will be many needed reminders that I don't have work on Monday. It went a little long, but it was great. Between that and a bunch of complex NOAs for my digits, I didn't finish all of Monday's mail for my & JJD's digits. Grrr.
I chatted some with Chip, some with Tim, and even spoke to my mom on the phone. Chip sent a pic from PS with me & Doug. I think that was the first time I thought he might be juicing. But I was even (relatively) happy with my body then, and sans vomiting or drugs. I'd love to get back to it. Chip, of course, has an extensive collection of pics of me, since he's far more organized. He's going through them now to eliminate duplicates, etc., and then send me a thumb drive. Tim was still concerned about the relationship. Especially given last night's unfortunate tantrum. I was definitely in Justification Mode, because I tried to excuse it by saying I'm hoping that once Julian learns he *can't* hurt me, he'll stop trying to. As soon as I said it, I realized how insane it was. Julian and I had spoken before about our oddly matched dysfunctions, and recently I'd begun to think of it as a far more specific version of my usual Silver Lining when I fall down. I can help others with the experience I've gained. So the better I understand what my roadblocks have been, the better I can assist Julian in navigating the same. I also considered that my need to help unfortunately fits his need to be saved. Knowing the truth isn't the same as being empowered to change it, but it's a good start. And he sent me a Wikipedia entry for Peter Pan Syndrome. Finally, the conversation with my mom was surprisingly mundane. No consternation over my marriage, though I did mention how proud I was of her for accepting, for example, my night job. Not that she had much choice, but take me or leave me is still a choice. She's working on identifying and navigating her current roadblocks, which I think is fantastic. There was a slight double-take because she asked me if California forbid gender. It was just a recent law allowing people to change their gender. I'm glad she asked.
Julian asked me to get insulin from my vet, but I don't think it works like that, and I don't have a vet. He'd left his insulin at the hotel. He had it today, so we'll just need to take care of it tomorrow. I coordinated with Rachel to take his kids when he got in later, even if it was after midnight. I thought about staying up, but just unlocked the door and tried to nap while I waited. He walked in around 1, so I definitely made the right choice. His beer from the last trip was still in the fridge, so we had a drink to celebrate. I addressed the extremity of his tantrum and my own difficulty in handling it without going nuclear. But I also remembered Tim telling me Julian knew I was falling down the rabbit hole but still talked to me all the time. I'm aware Julian used me to get back to San Diego and avoid homelessness. But I also think that was just a side benefit. Obviously, I have a lot to discuss with Candace. He asked about work and I noted that his last trip had unbalanced my ship, but I'd righted and stayed steady. I'm not sure if Julian is always an enabler, but he certainly is with me. And vice versa, obv. I advised rehab again and offered to sober (from booze) to help. He talked about how to moderate with and for each other, and I'm willing to give it a shot. And true to our MO, we fucked right there in the living room.
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