Questionable Sparring
May. 27th, 2021 04:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryI opted for coffee again, though of course my exhaustion could be due to any number of things. For it being my "off" day where I had nothing to do but my regular job, I had a tough time keeping up. I suppose that's understandable, given the circumstances. Colleen messaged me that she passed Burgener, and ever time she did she thought of Julian and I getting hitched there. That's much nicer than my previous strongest memory of overdosing at Humberto & Robert's party. Julian messaged me a little after 11:30am to let me know he was getting on the road and hoped to hit Amarillo, TX by the end of the day. So much for leaving early. We got notification from PLI that our scholarship was renewed thanks to the bump of use after their last message. I think I'm going to take an MCLE every day.
Julian called me because the storm had indeed caught him and he wanted company, if only telephonically. I kept picturing Twister. He pulled over for a little while because the rain got too bad, his cats hid in the covered litter box, and we had one of presumably many Very Important Chats. At some point in the conversation, he commended himself for driving across the country to be with his husband. He should go into PR. I reminded him that the other reason he was driving across the country is that he's homeless and has no other place to go. He asked again about what happened Sunday night and I actually went through it with him using my journal as an outline. There was still some scrambling; he even filibustered. Just started talking in circles and finally said "I'll call you right back." It kind of worked, because I did forget what we were even talking about. There will be other discussions. I got a few important things in front of him. His self-destruction and willful helplessness, his insistence that I alone (love you) save him from himself, and active attempts to make it harder for me. We'll obviously go over this again, but I'm glad I managed to even bring it up and he managed to sit still for it. We also discussed Sean's party again. He was largely just throwing everything against the wall to see what stuck. He threatened to go out and trick the night of the party if he couldn't get in via the wait-list. Great! Have a blast! Unfortunately, he also got vicious. Said he'd go fuck a bunch of people while I was at the party. Great! Have a blast! Said he'd find a way to be at the party and everyone would love him more because of his huge cock. Some would, sure. But given the Tom's specific request for my presence, I doubt it would be "more." Just that attempt is obviously as troubling as it is transparent. He got to that unfortunate point where he was just disagreeeing with everything. When I quoted him, saying he'd probably have favorites of his side tricks to tell him that would be ideal, he still denied saying it. He hand waved the fact that he's the only one of us who's ever cheated, but I finally got through to him by using an example of him tricking and me being fine with it. That, of course, is also tragically familiar. And here's your equal attention cake, Peter. But even having these conversations is progress.
Tim called after and we talked about the realistic next steps for Julian. Very little chance of him getting a job and his own place any time soon, so whoever fosters his kids might need to adopt them. I'm prepared to have that discussion with him. And he'll need to live in the state for at least a year before he qualifies for in state tuition. It helps figure out a plan forward to figure out where you are. I struggled all night with angsty demons. That same desperate need from forever ago, only matured. The idea that if I can't fulfill everyone's needs, if I can't make everyone happy, what the fuck am I even doing here? And I'm not sure how much he likes me vs seeing me as an easy mark, not that they're mutually exclusive. I'm not sure he'd even know. And some part of my brain is telling me this is all in my head and I'm just causing drama.
Julian called me because the storm had indeed caught him and he wanted company, if only telephonically. I kept picturing Twister. He pulled over for a little while because the rain got too bad, his cats hid in the covered litter box, and we had one of presumably many Very Important Chats. At some point in the conversation, he commended himself for driving across the country to be with his husband. He should go into PR. I reminded him that the other reason he was driving across the country is that he's homeless and has no other place to go. He asked again about what happened Sunday night and I actually went through it with him using my journal as an outline. There was still some scrambling; he even filibustered. Just started talking in circles and finally said "I'll call you right back." It kind of worked, because I did forget what we were even talking about. There will be other discussions. I got a few important things in front of him. His self-destruction and willful helplessness, his insistence that I alone (love you) save him from himself, and active attempts to make it harder for me. We'll obviously go over this again, but I'm glad I managed to even bring it up and he managed to sit still for it. We also discussed Sean's party again. He was largely just throwing everything against the wall to see what stuck. He threatened to go out and trick the night of the party if he couldn't get in via the wait-list. Great! Have a blast! Unfortunately, he also got vicious. Said he'd go fuck a bunch of people while I was at the party. Great! Have a blast! Said he'd find a way to be at the party and everyone would love him more because of his huge cock. Some would, sure. But given the Tom's specific request for my presence, I doubt it would be "more." Just that attempt is obviously as troubling as it is transparent. He got to that unfortunate point where he was just disagreeeing with everything. When I quoted him, saying he'd probably have favorites of his side tricks to tell him that would be ideal, he still denied saying it. He hand waved the fact that he's the only one of us who's ever cheated, but I finally got through to him by using an example of him tricking and me being fine with it. That, of course, is also tragically familiar. And here's your equal attention cake, Peter. But even having these conversations is progress.
Tim called after and we talked about the realistic next steps for Julian. Very little chance of him getting a job and his own place any time soon, so whoever fosters his kids might need to adopt them. I'm prepared to have that discussion with him. And he'll need to live in the state for at least a year before he qualifies for in state tuition. It helps figure out a plan forward to figure out where you are. I struggled all night with angsty demons. That same desperate need from forever ago, only matured. The idea that if I can't fulfill everyone's needs, if I can't make everyone happy, what the fuck am I even doing here? And I'm not sure how much he likes me vs seeing me as an easy mark, not that they're mutually exclusive. I'm not sure he'd even know. And some part of my brain is telling me this is all in my head and I'm just causing drama.
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