Slightly Scuffed Rosy Glow

[thepnutgallery]

Texts from around 2ish from Colleen advised me on the importance of tracking my emotions through this entire process, including my paranoia, and she sent an excerpt of a letter she'd sent in 1989 about my brother and me with our half-sister Christy. He rough-housed, I was affectionate. Try to contain your shock. I'm grateful for her insight. I also had a string of texts from Julian. A few from 3:30 accusing me of not calling then, then one around 4:30 noting he heard it didn't happen and hoped for my safety. It was just before 5, so I corrected him with a screencap of my call log. I'd called him as soon as I got home. He got confused at Kevin's saying it never happened and called. I explained that the Happy Hour Happened, just the orgy didn't. I got confused at Kevin keeping him up to date. Apparently, Kevin had been hitting on each of us individually. At least he's reliable? I talked about how wonderful it was to see Michael again and the dawn breaking while I talked to Peter...but he didn't get it.

I had no real plans for the day. I took out some of the recycling but didn't have the motivation to get any further. I didn't have any real desire to watch Netflix. I got a Friend & Message Req from a gent who needed to know where to direct his friend interested in sex worker rights. SWoRN is no more, but I sent her to SWOP & my friend who works there, advised her to also check out the Red Umbrella Project. Sad I couldn't help, but happy I could direct him to who could. I updated my journal some, though I knew I was so far behind it'll be a process. I tried to really get into my head at the moment it happened and understand what was going on. And since I was so far behind, a lot of those feelings were warm and fuzzy. Mostly. But I examined the paranoia as well, though I couldn't find any Happy Endings of people who married folks who'd abused them. I really should have at least collected notes about each day as I fell further and further behind. Tim tagged in my skill at education for some fool rambling anti-vax nonsense on a post and I had my own dance with an assimilationist. I thought that was plenty for the day. I drank, smoked, and jerked off for the rest of the day. It was honestly wonderful. Smoking let me keep my drinking reasonable. I even got to that GHB-Place...or at least roughly in the area I had it on my map, but it felt...bright. Healthy. Fun. And I watched one of the old flip fuck videos I made with Julian for a few hours. I never uploaded this one because he didn't consent to doing porn, just making home movies. Call it endorphins, call it the weed/booze, but I'd never noticed our affection in it.