If you're here, you could be there.

I was up before Julian, which is not unusual in the least. He was upset that I went to bed before him this morning, but sent me a text after I did that just said he wished I could lay with him. That's progress. I figured I'd clean up a little - Colleen has been here before, but while that means she'll be fine no matter how bad it is, it also means that literally any improvement is valuable. Unfortunately, I saw cat vomit & shit on my shoes. Julian said it was because they ate too much, and he cited all the food his mom gave them. He admitted to giving them too many treats himself when I pointed out his mom isn't here, but then it also turned out they'd pissed all over them as well. I brought up re-homing them but wasn't realistically expecting him to go for it. I just want to introduce the idea, address any apprehensions, that sort of thing. And I immediately got to, because he said it would be unfair to re-home his kids and not Lady Miss Friday. But I can and do take care of Lady Miss Friday, minus the Rabbit Hole, where his kids are clearly flailing here. They need more than we can provide. Lady Miss Friday does not. Despite this, he became Grumpier as we cleaned. Wanted meat and wanted me to buy it. I'm really, really, happy I cut booze, because this could have been ugly. As it was, it was still quite awkward. He insisted that since he's compromised by eating vegan food, I need to compromise by buying him meat. He screamed and screamed and screamed at me that I'm a fucking asshole for not buying real meat. I can't be hurt, but that frustrated him even more. My walls might have been a bit chill. And even going to Lady Miss Friday's room infuriated him because he always has to be the one to come to the table first. He went after the help I gave Tim earlier this year again, I suggested the breathalyzer for both of us. He said he hadn't started drinking, but also declined the breathalyzer. Eventually, we sat down and learned he was feeling very, very insecure over his financial situation. And I'm not sure how, but somehow thought I was wealthy. I explained that I went back to my night job because I have no money. 39k/year is definitely not much money at this point, and the only reason I am able to live on my own is because of my Chihuahua standards. I don't think I mentioned eating pasta & ketchup for...years? But I think he understood. We talked about our menu choices, and how important it is that he have an opinion on what he wants for dinner, because I will eat dried soy curls if left to my own devices. I can try to suggest things, but that's going to be sporadic at most. If he wants burgers or whatever, we can make it happen, they just have to be vegan. We got the place looking pretty decent. He was very confused why I'm so good at vacuuming & dishes & the like but so bad at anything remotely resembling organization. Birds & swimming & whatnot. He apologized for screaming at me earlier and the vocabulary chosen, and again, even being willing to own faults is progress. He wanted upbeat music, but while he was okay with everything I chose, it turns out by "upbeat" he meant "Keep Moving by Jungle." No complaints here. Actually, I think I'll use that to get him to dance with me. We can learn the choreo from it. We ended up fucking after we finished cleaning and then talked more about our respective feelings on cumming. He recognizes the double standard of feeling like he hasn't done his job if I don't cum, but also feeling like he hasn't done his job if he can't cum for me. I guess I can understand alternating my perspective in order to beat myself up from all angles, but I'm hoping that shining a light on these things makes them manageable. I did cum for him, and it was neither a stellar or disappointing shot (no more so than all non-stellar shots are, anyway), but it was another Seven Seas of Semen.

Colleen let me know she was out of work and on her way, Jullian still needed to get cigarettes, so I suggested he park on the street when he got back so she could use my space. He left, but suggested showing me the itemized receipt for everything he buys. I was just going to watch my statement every day, but that's definitely better. FHA stopped by with the Mediterranean Meal a la TJ's I'd asked for and we caught up briefly. I tried to remind Julian through the window that he should park on the street but he didn't hear me. He said he saw the owner of the property park next to him... but that turned out to be Colleen. Hilarity ensued. I parked on the street so she could use my spot instead of a neighbor's. Not that there was much point. While parking can be a jerk around here and my decade of experience hunting for spaces comes in handy, this was not one of those days. Thought that counts or something. She's amazed and in love that I get along so well with so many of my exes, and before I even mentioned my philosophy on the whole spectrum of relationships, she bassically said it in her own words. Fucking awesome. She showed me a letter I'd written to my grandparents when I was very small. Basic niceties, "hey, how are you?...I like cows". And then I drew a cow with grass in front of them so they'd have a snack. I absolutely love that not a lot has changed. FHA had to go for a previous engagement, but Tim joined us. He'd bought me a present from somewhere in Julian and wanted me to give Pupple some cheese. The present turned out to be an OG RHPS poster magazine, which...holy fuckballs! Pupple, on the other hand, seemed ambivalent about the cheese. I would obviously never force anything on him, but it was very disturbing that my goto to make him happy wasn't working. Terrifying, really. Tim explained that some dickheads had set off additional fireworks or crackers earlier, and Pupple was still freaked out. I much more patiently, gently, and coaxingly gave Pupple the rest of the cheese, though I still declined walking with them. I set out the pita, hummus, & dolmas, set myself to cooking the "gyros," but also tried to keep the music going with any given theme. Julian was a bit tipsy and we negotiated swapping every other song. I didn't play much Kelly - not even covers! But Colleen thought it was hilarious that of the roughly 1700 tracks in my Queue, only about half of them are Kelly. I didn't end up eating, but everyone said it was awesome. Colleen even took some of it home with her. I'll take it.

Colleen was delighted I've given up booze (for now, at least). I imagine that'd be the case for most folks, tbh, though most would add "Fucking *FINALLY.*" When most folks were done eating, Tim chatted with Colleen some. She's having difficulty with Jared, and as much as I'd like to help, that could be very messy, win or lose. But I said I'd ask around about resources for her. I also gave her what I think is my Netflix PW, but I've got to look it up. And I either loaned or gave her my copy of Rice Boy. It's fine, it's more important for other people to experience these things that have been so positive for me than to save money.