Reluctant Day Off

[thepnutgallery]

Up early as usual, spent time with Lady Miss Friday before getting cleaned up for therapy. It went well. She cautioned me against parenting too much, and mentioned the stages of understanding. From what I can see, though, they mirror the stages of Grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We discussed our Guidelines and she noted that he's essentially just telling me what I want to hear. I don't just need to ask him if he's okay, I need to force him to think it through, to identify *why* he's okay....and why he's not. Sean's party might be a bit much for us right now, and maybe a Couch to 5k on polyamory would be best for us. I read an article once that said the best way is shockingly to dive in the deep end. We talked about him using me to get out here and about his attempt to sexually one-up me due to his cock. Like me, she believes he does love me, but it might be Skinny Love, so to speak, and with apologies to Bon Iver and Birdy. We need to build trust and this Jekyll & Hyde behavior won't accomplish that, especially once we Bring on the Men. When I mentioned how sweet it was that he got me Pedialyte when I was so hungover, she noted that such acts are basic decency and she doesn't give extra credit for basic decency. Neither should I.

Julian had to run down to Rachel's for some things while I was in session but returned not long after. As with yesterday, I was completely unsure of the plan for the day, as was Julian. I wrestled with it, but checked the prices at Target & Big Lots for both plastic boxes and trash cans. Same prices, so then I looked up which company was more progressive. Better pay, hours, advancement opportunities, etc. Target won, so we zipped down there. I also snagged some silvervine & catnip blend which is supposed to be more potent than catnip and Julian needed some things. We might well have been able to sneak some of the items out, but just having to conspire and therefore risk Julian was enough to convince me not to. I think it's just having hit the Freak Out Point in my savings. It will get better. On the plus side, not stealing meant I could more appreciate the checkout camera.

I put my Stray Friend's food in the box, we took out the current recyclables and then set up the trash can for them. I'd have done all of this eventually, but having Tom et al staying this weekend added urgency. Julian also started organizing his stuff as much as possible. We made a resume for him and I was very impressed with the free Resume Builders online. I don't think they'd help me, but I don't plan on leaving ADI. It's decent. His previous one was somewhat fragmented, 2 pages for no real reason, and often stated things like "Followed QA standards." Not that I'd have done any better without the Builder. Then we applied for a few jobs. Progress! Tim called me after that, and it started well. Mostly just about how productive and healthy we'd been this weekend. Unfortunately, we ran into that double standard of mine, where everything I accomplish becomes pathetically easy, since I was able to do it, and therefore doesn't count as an accomplishment or achieving anything. He became understandably upset. It's the still darker side of my constant can kicking.

We watched Lucifer again after and talked a lot more. He'd overheard bits and pieces of my side of things during my session with Candace. He was very clear he didn't intend to eavesdrop, but I have no secrets anyway. We talked more about Sean's party and he's not even sure if he wants to go now. But he believes he does want me to go no matter what. Just make sure I spent lots of time with him when I get home. Can do. I pointed out that I fucked hundreds of men in the years we've been apart - what's a few more now? Many of whom I've already fucked. And I expanded that to our reunion. We've already been through Hell. Some individually and some with/for/due to each other. If it hasn't destroyed us by now, it's unlikely to. In the evening, we talked menu options. It was, like so many of our conversations, healing and healthy. Since I have the cuisine standards of a Chihuahua, I suggested he cook. He thought I meant the same way he had to cook for his mother, plus dishes and whatnot. I clarified that I make a stellar sous chef, and I have no problem doing dishes ever. I wasn't asking him to make dinner, I was asking if *we* could make dinner. Just with him leading.