We All Fall Down

Up at 4 for no reason at all. Julian wasn't home, but I kept any assumptions at bay. He presumably got drunk and passed out at Bobbay's place, with or without intercourse. I beat off trying to get back to sleep, but no go. Since I was up, I spent time with Lady Miss Friday and comforted her after she vomited a hairball. On the plus side, her hairballs have had significantly less volume lately. Much closer to actual hairballs instead of vomit tsunamis with hair hail. I hadn't heard from Julian by 6:45 so I called and left a message. He got home around 7:15. They'd found coke, stayed up drinking and talking, and then fooled around. I can't tell yet whether the interaction was good or bad. On the one hand, he told me. He was almost crying because he felt like he cheated on me, and I held and reassured him. I kept comparing it with Meeker needing comfort and reassurance when he fucked Ian while I was at Rocky. That one I was upset with because his rule for us was that we only do it "on our own time." But Rocky was the only time we were on our own time. I mean, also because I had no idea how to even start analyzing my jealousy, much less address the roots of it. All good this time, but I'm still not certain what all they got up to. I was very careful to not ask any questions to avoid any defensiveness, but it started with just fooling around some, neither could get hard. Okay, no worries. As he talked more, he mentioned eating his ass for hours. Hot! Then later something about only fucking for a few seconds, then still later just a few minutes. Then that he bottomed briefly, and all bare. He said he'd come back around 4:30 to get another beer and thought about waking me up for a 3 way, but knew I had work and let me sleep. Later he said they started making out and he came back to wake me. I was awake when he came back, just didn't hear him. I get it, kind of. He talked about not wanting to lose me and a lot about worrying that he'd created an elemental of retaliatory fucking. I explained the difference between Dewey from years ago and Bobbay. He tried to hide fucking Dewey from me, I had no hunting to do for Bobbay. It's that sexual validation, fear of vulnerability, trust issues, and vicious competition at their belief they could pull a fast one on me like that. He talked more about eating Bobbay's ass, I made out with him to drive home that the idea that IDGAF about this one any more than any of the men he fucked in Arkansas over the past 6 years. He asked if I'd fuck him so I obliged, though I couldn't seem to get totally hard. I got hard enough to get inside him anyway, though neither of us came. Since he'd been up all night, I kept telling him to call in, but since his probation period was nearing decision time, he insisted.

Rachel called around noon, though I wasn't on messenger to answer. I tried to call her back but she just messaged me back that Leo died. No clue how, but she said Julian was on his way home. He was upset, of course, and I held him. He went outside to talk to his mom and Rachel was supposed to come over but something else must've come up. Julian called me later to let me know Chuck was in the hospital, apparently dying. He and Terry went to go visit him and Julian called me from the hospital. Chuck's mom left, he had a massive tumor on his spine, and Julian held him while he cried. That's a level of self-actualization I havenot only not achieved, I have no desire to ever get there. The most I could offer was not thinking about the dominoes. Rachel called again and was supposed to come over again but got diverted. Again. Julian left with Terry but I had no idea where they went.

Tim's feud with Benny blew up when Benny tagged him in a post so all his friends would pile on. Tim called me mostly venting, so I tried to be a sympathetic ear instead of furrocious fangs. The time Julian was gone gave me time to get caught up on my journal, which was awesome. Not so awesome was Julian coming home drunk after a fight with Rachel. Said she'd walked out on the bill so he (I) had to pay $120. He thought he left his wallet in the car but it was on the table. And Terry drove anyway. He was roaming the apartment and going over and over Rachel's awfulness and his rage. He was irritable, but most of his anger was directed at her. Terry joined us to check on him, but Julian swiftly turned back to me and amped up. Said he was done with me, tired of me, something about cutting off my assistance, went on another rant about spending time in Lady Miss Friday's room, and all with colorful vernacular and a wide array of volumes. It was a very traumatic day for him but... Awkward. I went back to Lady Miss Friday. Terry asked me to come out, Julian apologized and calmed down...until right after Terry left. I have no idea what to do for someone who's working themself into a drunken explosion - he even bragged about going nuclear a few times. I just sat there for far too long, but eventually noted it was getting late and I needed sleep. Julian asked me to come out again, but 3rd time's the charm and I stayed in. He alternated begging and berating and tried to force the door for a while. I heard a bunch of crashing and shattering outside. I kind of worried someone might call the cops, he was in such a tizzy. I don't know. Maybe giving in and coming back out again would have calmed him, but appeasement has never worked, historically speaking, and since he couldn't get through a sentence without yelling at me, I declined.