If you're here, you could be there.

Woke up a little early, but it was close enough to 5 that I just stayed up. I saw that some of the trash jerking each other off online had kept up after I went to bed....so tempting to wade back in. I'd like to be big about this, but it was realistically because wading back into a flame war after it's over is a losing move. I'd hoped to upload and take another video, but...couldn't bring myself to before work. Then all during the day kept clucking at myself for not making enough videos, for making them so boring, for being fat, for being ancient....

I'd made a mistake on one of the NOAs from yesterday, but Kathy emailed me as soon as I logged in that she would take care of it. I appreciate it, but that one part of my brain always wonders if they're just checking to make sure I respond back. I should probably address my trust issues if I ever get back into therapy, as I suddenly remember that for many years I worried that FHA and Aimee were serial killers just waiting for me to let me guard down. Or the many partners I couldn't sleep or even be next to over the years because I was terrified they'd sprout tentacles or be secretly a spider or something. At the same time, I hear that standard voice in my head (which now sounds like my last therapist). "Well, if you think your partner is going to kill you or transform into a monster, you have to decide whether to stay next to them! Problem solved!" Lady Miss Friday had been complaining all morning, so I spent my lunch break laying next to her on the bed. She actually laid touching me.

Ryan had posted a few FaceApp or whatever it is..a few of him older, a few sex-swaps... One of the sex swaps tingled the back of my brain...I thought maybe Chelsea Peretti? But 1) that was wrong, and 2) I thought for sure it must be a musical artist. Thankfully, I recently watched Introduction to Felt Surrogacy from Community, featuring "YES, That's An Adventure" and Sara Bareilles, and that was it. I hesitated to comment, since it was full of comments already, but it turns out a lot of folks agreed.

I saw one of my girls grooming, and nearly lost my mind in screaming paranoia about Bubbles. I bought more vodka after work... Two handles in 5 days might be a record for me. Smoked through a fully charged vape pen... Still looking for a New Drug, as I have been for many years. I did, at least, manage to upload and take a jerk off vid. It was quite possibly the best cumshot I've ever had on camera. I dearly fucking hope my webcam got it.

Megan posted that she's looking for a place in Portland, and I was going to at least share it but... Ugh. Battlefield. But later Tim tagged me back in that post, and Megan asked to see us when she visits. It took a lot of scrambling, but I eventually invited her and Colleen over... For a dinner that Tim and I will cook.

Thanks to Ryan's picture, I listened to Sara Bareilles, then realized I hadn't posted it to the Music Group, and was going to watch Community all night. Brendan posted a Lord Huron song exactly one minute after I posted mine.... I resisted the urge to delete my post, both because I'd tagged Ryan in it, and because... Come on. I do, however, take posts in the group very seriously, and I know there was a Lord Huron song I loved, so I listened.

It hit me like a freight train. My new double sneer attached itself, and some sort of liquid kept getting onto my face. My thoughts were... Complicated. Lady Miss Friday to the rescue, as she demanded I lay next to her again. She doesn't like the weight management Friskies as much as the seafood, but... This feels like a good compromise between enabling and having My Love die early from weight complications. When I was listening to Silver Lining on repeat, I wondered how she felt hearing the same song on repeat... And started screaming over her having dealt with depression, addiction, etc.

I asked Patrick about the other song by Lord Huron, and despite him initially thinking I was talking about Lorde and my initially just hearing The Night We Met everywhere, I think he tagged it with Love Like Ghosts. Then I went immediately back to The Night We Met on repeat for the rest of the night. Time flies, y'all.

I texted Julian in the morning, but he didn't get back to me until much later. I smoked some of the vape cartridges, drank a ton, sent a video of me jerking off to a fan, and watched Community. I also messaged Aimee about my Performance Wishlist. I need to pick 5, and this is where it gets tricky, because I'm going to start Lip Syncing in my living room, so I need to pick 5 songs that I would fuck up on my own. I'm thinking Give Me Love....and others. I asked for Tim's help choosing, but I was inexplicably Grumpy. And taking it out on Wrong People Online. Tim reminded me to put my fangs away, which is a note I've needed every now and again since I was a teenager.

In the afternoon, JJD referred me to a DM who's running games online. I had just been thinking of putting out a request for that! Timely! Also in the afternoon, Mitchell posted a video of sea otters on my page. It was adorable but....my brain is not nice to me with sea otters. Between learning a long time ago that adolescent males will rape and drown seal pups, and even female otters, and that video of the mother otter who goes insane when orcas eat her pups.....I at least managed to avoid re-watching that video. Instead I found a video of two pygmy goats named after Supreme Court Justices going to visit penguins.

When Julian did contact me, I was fairly tipsy and struggling to keep above the waves. But I told him all about my addiction, including the times I drove high, all my injuries, getting arrested, rehab,etc. Tim messaged me, irritated that I wouldn't hang up, and then pointed out that I don't actually have the power to help him how he needs.

Woke up in the middle of the night, and even another Seroquel didn't help. I heard my mice squeaking quite a bit, and when I checked on them, the girls had gotten down into Houdini's place. I put them back upstairs....only to hear squeaking again a few minutes later. For several hours, I kept moving them upstairs, then have them crawl right back down. Alas, there are no all night pet stores, so I turn on the light, turned the cage to the side so I could grab them, and waited.

Unsurprisingly, I was exhausted in the morning, despite the coffee. I zipped over to Petsmart on my break and found a halfway decent cage, but it didn't quite fit together right when I got it home. I was weirdly timid about posting about things online, maybe my non-confrontational part trying to take dominance...I got over it, and ripped a few pieces apart.

I shared a post about a police officer pointing a gun at a child's face, and in spite of having started drinking, thought I did a decent job both in analyzing the situation and the idea that we shouldn't bring children to a peaceful protest because cops might get violent. That's a hostage mentality.

Tim came over in the evening and managed to assemble the new cage and get Houdini's spot in there. Unfortunately, the tired was bad at this point was dragging me towards the cliff, just like it did when I was 14. Tim was not happy at all, and not even happy with my trying to placate things by saying I'm sticking around until LMF goes. I agreed to call The Center tomorrow.

At this stage, between my tiredness and the drink from earlier, I thought it was early morning. And then I didn't even know when I thought it was. I bid Tim goodnight, took two Quietapines instead of chances, and passed out.

Woke up in the middle of the night, despite my meds, or maybe I forgot them and popped others instead? I petted Lady Miss Friday, let her outside for a bit. Came very close to accidentally shutting her outside, but fortunately went looking for her. I texted some with Brandon, then cut a pill in half, since I didn't need the full 8 hrs.

Chugged into work in the morning, got almost all the claims in the queue done, got a big chunk of my TDP work done, then zipped to the pharmacy on my break, but they only released one bottle.

I laid with Lady Miss Friday after work, and felt so incredibly content. Look, all I ask is that nothing ever experience unhappiness around me... Is that so much to ask? I'll take it all! I will 100% just take all your unhappiness in, maybe burn or cut or something, and you can be happy.

Tim asked to come over later, he cooked up tofu, we walked Pupple, and he's going to call in on my next therapy appointment. I'm just.. Not good at that. I am realizing that most of the work in therapy is a) done by you, solo, and b) requires you to want to change. And probably requires more than my very basic and flat out false ideas about just... Not... Doing all the things I shouldn't. We also talked about Julian, and my literal need to help or fix. And my *vicious* retribution on myself for failing impossible tasks.

My mom tagged me in a post around midnight, so I called her. She ended up talking about my brother and his current tirade to get Papa's ring from Grandpa. We've got a plan.

Woke up before my alarm, but couldn't get out of bed until I forced myself. I trained on Eservice, which is nowhere near as complicated as I thought it was. Actually, Lindsay, the girl who trained me, is going to try my system. In another career, I'd have been an efficiency expert, except that's usually trying to get rid of people. Funny or cute pics are traditionally sent with the eservice notice, so I sent around the pokemons lolcats, and 10 min later Sonya comes into my office to talk about Pokemon Go. She hadn't seen the email, she just thought I'd know about it. We had our quarterly meeting, which I was no use for, and couldn't even stay focused long enough to figure out what we were supposed to be doing. Really, I was in a haze for most of the day. Understandable, I think.

Stopped at the gym on the way home, because there's no sense getting fat, and endorphins, and I don't know, but I went. It was packed, which I didn't think about until my friend came up and pointed out all these guys were doing last minute Pride workouts. Leg machine was busted, and I pulled something in my shoulder, so I did cardio instead, then headed to rehearsal. Thriller is coming along a little better, but I need to find time to rehearse it on my own.

I considered getting a tattoo. I considered a lot of things. People do all sorts of things "for" a dead loved one, but of course it's not really "for" them, it's for us. The best thing I can do is get over this as quickly as possible and adopt again. It's not "what Mousey would have wanted" - he would've wanted a yogurt treat and a cardboard tube...and to not be eaten - but saving another animal the best thing I can do. I will need to clean his cage out, probably, which is hard. Like every other grieving person ever, I keep expecting to see his bedding rustle and his head poke out any minute. Wee Companions is only open on Saturdays from 11-4. At this point, I'm not sure I'd do much at Pride but suck up everyone else's good time, so getting a new rescue sounds like a good plan.

Lady Miss Friday actually crawled under the covers with me on the couch for a little while, which was nice, but I had a harder time in the dark.