Pre-Breakdown
Oct. 4th, 2006 03:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgallery10/04/06 Pre-Breakdown Post
Things are weird right now. Aimee keeps telling The Boy to break up with me, and that I’m cheating on him. Filthy, lying whore. It’s funny from the outside in, because I’m jealous of Aimee’s position as his best friend, and she, I’m sure, wishes she was his spouse. Of course, both of our positions on this are for selfish reasons- she wants him all to herself, and then she’d really have control of his funds (which means they would belong to her, which means she’d never work again). Whore. I, of course, want The Boy as my best friend so that I can give him emotional support with no emotional responsibility. I’ve feared/known for a long time that he doesn’t believe me when I tell him that it’s no skin off my back if we break up. Worse than that, when I do tell him, he gets so sad behind his eyes, that I let it go, rather than pressing the point. The Boy’s initial rant yesterday left me drained, a little angry (but with who?), and incredibly guilty. There’s so much I should have done differently to keep him from getting so attached. I’m not a crier, by any stretch of the imagination, and I must again stress that I’m not sad about any of this except how sad The Boy is, but I keep thinking about it, and my face gets pressure like when one cries, and I get headaches like when one cries.
On a final, and the most recent note, The Boy brought up an excellent point just now, when I told him that I think Jason has feelings for me. He said that was unfortunate, because I couldn’t reciprocate, and just before he left, with my eyebrow hanging in the air, added quite correctly that my lack of reciprocation had nothing to do with him. Who would’ve thought that being heartless could have such dire reprecussions.
Squeak
Things are weird right now. Aimee keeps telling The Boy to break up with me, and that I’m cheating on him. Filthy, lying whore. It’s funny from the outside in, because I’m jealous of Aimee’s position as his best friend, and she, I’m sure, wishes she was his spouse. Of course, both of our positions on this are for selfish reasons- she wants him all to herself, and then she’d really have control of his funds (which means they would belong to her, which means she’d never work again). Whore. I, of course, want The Boy as my best friend so that I can give him emotional support with no emotional responsibility. I’ve feared/known for a long time that he doesn’t believe me when I tell him that it’s no skin off my back if we break up. Worse than that, when I do tell him, he gets so sad behind his eyes, that I let it go, rather than pressing the point. The Boy’s initial rant yesterday left me drained, a little angry (but with who?), and incredibly guilty. There’s so much I should have done differently to keep him from getting so attached. I’m not a crier, by any stretch of the imagination, and I must again stress that I’m not sad about any of this except how sad The Boy is, but I keep thinking about it, and my face gets pressure like when one cries, and I get headaches like when one cries.
On a final, and the most recent note, The Boy brought up an excellent point just now, when I told him that I think Jason has feelings for me. He said that was unfortunate, because I couldn’t reciprocate, and just before he left, with my eyebrow hanging in the air, added quite correctly that my lack of reciprocation had nothing to do with him. Who would’ve thought that being heartless could have such dire reprecussions.
Squeak
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