Midlife Crisis
Aug. 29th, 2006 11:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryMidlife Crisis
I think I might be going through a midlife crisis, or something. I keep thinking that I’m turning 25 tomorrow, instead of 24, but that difference seems kind of insignificant to me. I’ve been mourning the loss of my youth since I was about 17, thinking ahead about all of the opportunities I’m going to miss out on. I’ve never been sure exactly sure what those opportunities are, since I don’t really like doing stuff. I guess I just want to have the option open to me. I still need to figure out what it is that I want from life. I want to help people, but unless I can radically change the attitudes of folk the world over, that just isn’t going to happen, and helping people on a smaller scale would make me happy…on a smaller scale. Certainly, “I worked at The Center”, which I don’t even do yet, is not enough for me to look back on satisfactorily when I’m old and grey. I don’t care about having children, except for a vague sense of guilt towards my parents at not passing on my father’s genes (mother not applicable, since I don’t have her genes).
Chatting with the boys on Saturday, everyone was discussing their various sordid pasts, and I felt left out. Anthony is the only boy I’ve ever actually had sex with, not counting bjs, and what sort of bothered me is that, if he were there, I would have felt just as gipped, as he, also, has been with multiple partners. The estimate ranges from under 10 to a couple million, depending on who you ask, but it’s certainly more than one. The more I think on it, and try to look from the outside in, the more it seems to be a very childish tantrum that I’m throwing, but I also feel like this is one of those aspects of life that I’m going to miss, and I’m not sure how to handle it.. When I think on it a little deeper, I begin to think that it’s more than just sex that I want from other people; it’s affection, as well. I’ve never been real big on emotion, so it’s not like I want the whole relationship tango of getting together and breaking up with people, but I do want affection from lots of people, and I want to be able to give it back. I want to spend my life with The Boy, but I want to have experienced more people than I have. It’s like I told The Boy- I’m really, really happy to be here, I just wish I had already been a few other places. Next to all of this, I’ve never really been comfortable with the concept of monogamy. I always said that it really wasn’t for me, and yet, 4.5 years later….
Scowl.
Talking about it with Anthony over our walk, he says “I just want to be first”, but on further investigation, what he really means is “I want to be first, and only”. Understandable. But I have a hard time reconciling this with what I want. I think I want an open relationship, with rules in place, but I don’t want that at the cost of Anthony’s happiness. Anthony wants a monogamous relationship; does he want that at the cost of my happiness? Where does that leave us? He’s at a social advantage in the discussion, since monogamy is the norm. Anthony has mentioned how very happy I’ve made him, and I am tremendously happy with him, but that also is not enough for me, in terms of life. “He was with Anthony” does more for me than “He worked at the Center” but it’s still not enough.
We talked more about it last night, and while we’re not 100%, we’re better than we were. The topic has come up before, with Anthony actually mentioning that his greatest fear is that I’ll look at him one day and resent that I didn’t get to experience more while I had my youth. I tell him “Me too”. And the conversation ends. WTF? I still don’t understand why, every time the topic has come up, Anthony wants to brush it aside, like if we don’t talk about it, it’s not there. Whenever Anthony gets upset about me looking and lusting after other boys, I mention that he also lusts after other folk, and he says “Yes, but I couldn’t actually get them. You can do better.” I find that to be a poor excuse.
Squeak
I think I might be going through a midlife crisis, or something. I keep thinking that I’m turning 25 tomorrow, instead of 24, but that difference seems kind of insignificant to me. I’ve been mourning the loss of my youth since I was about 17, thinking ahead about all of the opportunities I’m going to miss out on. I’ve never been sure exactly sure what those opportunities are, since I don’t really like doing stuff. I guess I just want to have the option open to me. I still need to figure out what it is that I want from life. I want to help people, but unless I can radically change the attitudes of folk the world over, that just isn’t going to happen, and helping people on a smaller scale would make me happy…on a smaller scale. Certainly, “I worked at The Center”, which I don’t even do yet, is not enough for me to look back on satisfactorily when I’m old and grey. I don’t care about having children, except for a vague sense of guilt towards my parents at not passing on my father’s genes (mother not applicable, since I don’t have her genes).
Chatting with the boys on Saturday, everyone was discussing their various sordid pasts, and I felt left out. Anthony is the only boy I’ve ever actually had sex with, not counting bjs, and what sort of bothered me is that, if he were there, I would have felt just as gipped, as he, also, has been with multiple partners. The estimate ranges from under 10 to a couple million, depending on who you ask, but it’s certainly more than one. The more I think on it, and try to look from the outside in, the more it seems to be a very childish tantrum that I’m throwing, but I also feel like this is one of those aspects of life that I’m going to miss, and I’m not sure how to handle it.. When I think on it a little deeper, I begin to think that it’s more than just sex that I want from other people; it’s affection, as well. I’ve never been real big on emotion, so it’s not like I want the whole relationship tango of getting together and breaking up with people, but I do want affection from lots of people, and I want to be able to give it back. I want to spend my life with The Boy, but I want to have experienced more people than I have. It’s like I told The Boy- I’m really, really happy to be here, I just wish I had already been a few other places. Next to all of this, I’ve never really been comfortable with the concept of monogamy. I always said that it really wasn’t for me, and yet, 4.5 years later….
Scowl.
Talking about it with Anthony over our walk, he says “I just want to be first”, but on further investigation, what he really means is “I want to be first, and only”. Understandable. But I have a hard time reconciling this with what I want. I think I want an open relationship, with rules in place, but I don’t want that at the cost of Anthony’s happiness. Anthony wants a monogamous relationship; does he want that at the cost of my happiness? Where does that leave us? He’s at a social advantage in the discussion, since monogamy is the norm. Anthony has mentioned how very happy I’ve made him, and I am tremendously happy with him, but that also is not enough for me, in terms of life. “He was with Anthony” does more for me than “He worked at the Center” but it’s still not enough.
We talked more about it last night, and while we’re not 100%, we’re better than we were. The topic has come up before, with Anthony actually mentioning that his greatest fear is that I’ll look at him one day and resent that I didn’t get to experience more while I had my youth. I tell him “Me too”. And the conversation ends. WTF? I still don’t understand why, every time the topic has come up, Anthony wants to brush it aside, like if we don’t talk about it, it’s not there. Whenever Anthony gets upset about me looking and lusting after other boys, I mention that he also lusts after other folk, and he says “Yes, but I couldn’t actually get them. You can do better.” I find that to be a poor excuse.
Squeak
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