Been Worse

[thepnutgallery]

I got out around 6am and walked over to the bail bond place with another released inmate. I ended up taking off my broken sandal since it wouldn't stay on anyway. The bail man was nice, but without my phone, there was no way to get a ride home. Walked over to work instead. I've looked worse there, awkward as that is. They opened the building at 7 instead of 7:30, thank Gawd, and it was miraculous to get inside. And get some coffee. A lot of coffee. Lynelle stopped in - she's on Wednesdays for now. She asked how I was and...I told her. I was also overly honest about using work to self-medicate. I felt bad, since that's a bit heavy for the first thing in the morning, but she was all support. I've been through worse. She said everyone could see how much I've given, how hard I tried, and that my support network is there for me because I'm *me.* That gave me pause. I just figured everyone helped me because helping is just sort of what you do. Throughout the day, a few people told me how deeply appreciated my extra work is this week, so at least I'm not on overdrive for nothing. I ended up telling Art some of what happened, and told Xochi that I'm getting divorced. And then I reached out to SDVLP for assistance with both the divorce and the upcoming charges, though that latter will be taken by PD. I'm not even sure I qualify - our income last year makes us "Low Income," but there are several levels below that. Oh, what a world it seems we live in. I saw he used my FB to call Tim, and they briefly chatted after. The next message from Julian said "thanks for asking if if I'm okay" before going on about how I touched his throat and his toe is bruised. As always, even as I tried to push my nose *through* the grindstone, another part of my head was reviewing everything. Everything I should have done differently last night, though that mostly all boils down to "stay calm," and what the fuck I'm going to do next. If last night played out in *any* better way at all, it wouldn't be enough. I'd stay with him. Even now, even *with* this. I asked Tim to give me a ride home. I meant to ask a coworker, but I have no idea if anyone else gets out at 4 and I forgot.

He checked in on me in the afternoon. echoing Lynelle's affirmations that everyone knew how much I've done to try to make this work. Those cracks in our foundations, though. He brought Pupple when he picked me up, and we stopped over in Point Loma so he could snag his mail and some pizza. I felt a *very* strong need to get back to Lady Miss Friday ASAP, but kept myself calm for most of it. It was only when I got the feeling he was intentionally delaying us I started to get ansty. Julian stayed home from work today, but I didn't say anything on my way in. Tim came in with me, said hi to Lady Miss Friday. He advised me not to be in the same house as Julian, to get divorced as soon as possible. The risk of staying....I don't think I have to tell you that my risk tolerance has always been far too high, so I stayed. He's frustrated with that and might need a break or something soon. I understand that. I'm not leaving LMF. He called Candace; Julian had also called her, apparently quite a bit. Said my face went "demonic" and I "touched" his neck, though I don't think he quite got around to saying I choked him? Not sure. I could see the first half. I think I know what moment he's talking about and the feeling I had. The second part is nonsense. Completely aside from never wanting to hurt him, we were wrestling, not fighting, so taking my arms away from his arms or body would be foolish. Julian did knock on the door, but I didn't answer.