Angry Young Men With Immaculate Hair
Apr. 8th, 2008 07:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryFriday - 4/4/08 - Got a good night's sleep, finally. For some reason, we've been getting an inordinately large amount of mail on Fridays. Our department as a whole has finally come to accept this, and the Jasons have stopped dangling the carrot of early departure. Kim (from the stupid kid side of the room) wouldn't stop bitching about how sick she was, despite several people telling her to go home. Jason M. himself finally told her, and she left. They offered OT for the day, but I don't really care for that, so I offered to come in on Saturday instead. We were supposed to have a PPK meet-up on Saturday, and Ken and the boys were going to go up to the casino. The meet-up didn't happen, so I figured I could come into work. Since I was coming in, I didn't freak too much about how much work was left when I left. It was Betsy's b-day, so the kids got Mexican. I almost caved and had some, since I've had a craving and wish I had, but I was still full from my bok binge the night before. When I got home, I hadn't eaten since the night before, so I ended up binging on nuts and chips while I some actual food. Ken came home and had some of his leftovers from Pick Up Stix, and then we took a brief nap. Dallas came over later, and Jason called at the last minute. I feel bad that I lost my Frog's card, so Dallas can't use my LA Fitness one, but thems is the breaks. Ashley (kamutiepatootie from the PPK) met us out - we all had a good laugh over her meeting us at Blackout Bear Night with porn on the screens...right up until we met her and she told me she was a social worker specializing in HIV. I kissed her on the cheek when she told me that. Just for the record, we had a BLAST. We danced all night long, Matt and his bf hit on us again, Jason and Ashley were all up in each other's business, and I got a gent to come home with us. Yay! I only had one drink before we left, and sips (though major sips) off everyone else's, so I was the sober one to drive Ashley home after. Some little pocket gay I had been chatting with by the name of Brian came back with us, but he, Jason and I ended up chatting until he went home, instead of he, Ken and I hooking up. Ken was MAD about that. Since I hand't been able to get any alone time (pocket gay showed up right after we dropped Ashley off), I wasn't really upset about it. In bed and asleep by 4.
Saturday - I had been going to go into work at 7, or earlier, but I wasn't about to leave randy Ken at home without me. We didn't have sex, though we did have a lovely time sipping coffee and listening to Goldfrapp. We were a little late in remembering that George Michael tickets went on sale, but Ken still got 7th row seats. Eventually, Dallas came over, and the boys headed out to BevMo, and I went up to work. I hadn't meant to, but I ate the last of my oatmeal when I got in. I don't know if I was just hungry, or if I was just that scared of another binge with no purging. Anyway, I had MASSIVE amounts of energy while I was there, which was good because there was MASSIVE amounts of work to be done. I put on my pandora (with no headphones!) and just jammed. It was kind of fantastic. Momentum kind of sputtered towards the end, but that's to be expected. I called Ken, who was just leaving the casino, and stopped by Henry's on the way home. More oatmeal, and some fresh flowers. Got home just a few minutes before the boys, and gave Ken the flowers. Dallas made us cocktails, and we chatted for a while. I noticed that Ken and I were sitting a few feet apart on the couch, which would become a precursor to my bad mood. Justin called, and invited us to a cabana that he and Nelson were sharing at Lei, and Ashley called and offered to join us. My mood was kind of a roller coaster while we were there - it went down when Ken walked apart from me on the way there, opting to link arms with Brandon instead. A little further down when he then sat next to Brandon. Brief jump when I heard a decent remix of "Arabian" from the Nutcracker. I talked to Chris, which was mostly nice, except for some of the subject matter. More and more, I get the feeling when I talk to people about Ken's cheating and lies that I'm just an idiot for expecting anything else, and he's blameless. There was some vegan food ordered, but I wasn't feeling like eating. Most folk walked back, but Justin needed his car, so they asked me to drive it. Not a problem, except that I don't know some of the specifics (there are 4 spots marked "drive" - which one should I use? Where are the headlights?). Drunken Justin's response to my query was "oh, you can just drive it." I got back before everyone else. I had Justin's keys, but I've never been able to unlock his door, and I wasn't about to just stand in the courtyard. Went home for a moment and had a glass of water. The drinks started flowing a bit more freely at Justin's, though I was careful not to get too drunk and pass out. Ashley, who hadn't shown up at Lei, finally joined us, and I got to meet her awesome pa. Jason also joined us. I don't even remember why I was down, but I was, and when Ken told me that he was going to drop Justin off in Mission Hills and then go to Rich's, I asked him if he wanted to go alone again.
Rich's was densely populated, and the music really wasn't bad. He kept playing the occasional hiphop song, which was no fun. I saw a couple of former co-workers of mine, though they didn't say hi, and I was in no mood to chase them. Also saw Matt and his BF. We lost people a couple of times, but eventually found them. My mood didn't start to pick up until almost the end of the night, and I danced with people. There was a somewhat attractive couple that was making eyes at me, and I smiled at them. I went with Ken to get a drink, and then he mentioned that he had to pee. I waited there for a little while, and then went about 10 feet away, into the other room. The couple from the dance floor started talking to me, but I eventually got tired of waiting and went to look for Ken. Matt found me, with Ken in tow. I asked Ken where he'd been, and his response was that he went to pee. Matt's response was that he was making out with him. I had figured as much, laughed, and pushed Ken away. He stormed off and Matt chased him. When Matt got back, he said that Ken had gone home, and kissed me. I briefly considered going home with Matt, or else the couple from earlier, but I'm just too damn dumb. Also, the rest of our party was relying on us for a ride, and I hoped to be able to catch Ken before he drove off. Caught up to him just as he was peeling off. Finally got home, good and angry, and in no mood. First he told me not to sleep there, which I didn't listen to anymore than anything else he said. He tried to pull a "how could you shove me, my dad was abusive, blah blah blah", and I just told him to grow the fuck up. He kept warning me to leave him alone, which went over about as well as any threat to me ever does. I don't remember what it was that finally set him to say that he was done and breaking up with me, but I do remember firing right back that I just wished he hadn't given me HIV first. I got a little meaner from there, telling him that he was the most ridiculously selfish person I had ever met, and would fuck up relationship after relationship and die alone. He countered that he had family and friends, and apparently thought that he was doing me a favor by not mentioning my lack thereof, but I'm probably better at hearing things that aren't said than I am at things that are. He also said that in the morning, we would try to patch things up, but it would be too late.
Sunday - 4/6/08 - We didn't say anything for a long time when we woke up. I asked if he wanted coffee, and he said no. He finally started the dialogue, which kept coming back to that the negative aspects in our relationship were piling higher than the positive ones. He asked me to give him reasons we should stay together "and don't say because I'm the love of your life", and I listed some. I'm still a little disgusted with myself over that. We also talked about the hateful things I had said. I don't trust people easily, and I get upset when that trust is taken for granted. Actually couldn't get that line from "Not About Love" out of my head. He mentioned that we were just lucky, because he can say vicious things, but doesn't like that aspect of himself, so keeps a lid on it. I didn't have anything to say to that except "Bring it", so I didn't say anything at all. He also mentioned that a number of his friends had mentioned that I was a very angry person, and it sometimes scared them. Anyway, we eventually decided not to break up, and checked on the folks from the night before. Apparently, it had been Boyfriend Drama Night - Brandon and Chris had gotten into it because Brandon didn't want Chris driving. Ashley had tried to calm them down, and tried to call us on their behalf, since Brandon wanted to spend the night. In the end, everyone got home safely, though, which is what matters. We went out for brunch with Dallas and Matthew at Hawthorne's. Also stopped for flowers, as we were apparently having a BBQ at Justin's for Nikki. Ken and I had been supposed to go to a tennis picnic with Allen and Matt, but we had to tap out of that. He mentioned that he hated commiting to something and then backing out at the last minute. I didn't say anything snarky. We invited a number of people, including Ashley and Matt (Matt that we want to sleep with, not Matt & Allen). When I suggested inviting Jason, he said sure, but just remember that it's for Nikki. I opted not to, but wondered why on earth we had invited Matt, if that was the case. We went to Henry's, and picked up meat stuff and non meat stuff, and had most everything prepped by 4. No one showed up until about 4:45, but that was fine. Ashley came by, as did Matthew and Allen, and Kenny, Nelson, and Chante. It was very chill. I ate a bit too much, but it was all vegetables. The party was completely wound down by 8, so we just headed home.
Even though we laid down almost immediately, we ended up talking for several hours. He had apparently forgotten that I told him about giving that guy head from Thursday, and was a little upset. I held my tongue, but thought about how when he finally told me about Matthew and the July party, he said that it didn't matter. Also talked briefly about Sean, even though he doesn't like me asking questions. I asked him if he showered afterwards, and he initially said yes. Then I asked if he had showered there, and he said no....well, just washed up and brushed his teeth and stuff. Well, just did the toothpaste on the finger thing. Gah. Asked a couple more questions. We went in circles for a while - he feels like it's an inquisition. I want details. His initial and insistent offering for compromise was that he tells me what he thinks are the important parts and I don't ask questions. Had a good long internal laugh over that one, and we settled on he will try to tell me eveything and I will therefore need to ask less questions. We'll see.
Monday - 4/7/08 - CRAZY BUSY at work. Good news was that the day absolutely raced by. 3pm in no time flat. Went home, showered and the like, and read online comics and the like until Ken got home. I had been hoping for sex - nothing doing. Also didn't ask for it. He watched TV for a bit, and munched on pretzels, and eventually started watching Atlantis until Justin called. We went over there and the boys had leftover steaks and stuff. I had some of the leftover burger fixins, some of the garbanzo salad, and some of the bread (before I threw the rest away). I also did the rest of the dishes and brought the last of our stuff back over. I'm happy when I'm helpful. Ken had poured himself a cosmo while we were there, so I helped myself to a drink at home. It wasn't very strong, and the buzz wore off in no time. I was still hoping for sex, which was part of the reason I didn't eat much when I got home, but mostly I just didn't want anything. Go me! Eventually understood that sex wasn't going to happen - Ken didn't come home until 9:45, when the second movie was done, so just figured I'd get drunk and go to sleep. Jason had offered OT, and it makes it much easier to wake up early if I drink the night before. Ken and I talked a bit in bed, mostly about him wanting me to go back to the doctor. I had my last visit in January, so I'm about due, though I never got the results back from it. I'm not really worried - Ken's viral load went waaay down after his first visit, and I've taken really good care of myself this year. It's mostly just pride (they should call me, since they want my insurance money/business), and a desire not to be inconvenienced. Anyway, after what was probably the nicest chat we've had in a long time, we snuggled in to sleep. I woke up early, like I thought I would, with Ken wrapped tightly around me. I thought of how nice that was, and how long it had been since he'd snuggled with me, instead of vice versa. Then I remembered that I had told him I was going into work early, and it occurred to me that his snuggling was just a way to keep me there. I got up, and he became very very cranky. Made my oatmeal, and went into work.
Saturday - I had been going to go into work at 7, or earlier, but I wasn't about to leave randy Ken at home without me. We didn't have sex, though we did have a lovely time sipping coffee and listening to Goldfrapp. We were a little late in remembering that George Michael tickets went on sale, but Ken still got 7th row seats. Eventually, Dallas came over, and the boys headed out to BevMo, and I went up to work. I hadn't meant to, but I ate the last of my oatmeal when I got in. I don't know if I was just hungry, or if I was just that scared of another binge with no purging. Anyway, I had MASSIVE amounts of energy while I was there, which was good because there was MASSIVE amounts of work to be done. I put on my pandora (with no headphones!) and just jammed. It was kind of fantastic. Momentum kind of sputtered towards the end, but that's to be expected. I called Ken, who was just leaving the casino, and stopped by Henry's on the way home. More oatmeal, and some fresh flowers. Got home just a few minutes before the boys, and gave Ken the flowers. Dallas made us cocktails, and we chatted for a while. I noticed that Ken and I were sitting a few feet apart on the couch, which would become a precursor to my bad mood. Justin called, and invited us to a cabana that he and Nelson were sharing at Lei, and Ashley called and offered to join us. My mood was kind of a roller coaster while we were there - it went down when Ken walked apart from me on the way there, opting to link arms with Brandon instead. A little further down when he then sat next to Brandon. Brief jump when I heard a decent remix of "Arabian" from the Nutcracker. I talked to Chris, which was mostly nice, except for some of the subject matter. More and more, I get the feeling when I talk to people about Ken's cheating and lies that I'm just an idiot for expecting anything else, and he's blameless. There was some vegan food ordered, but I wasn't feeling like eating. Most folk walked back, but Justin needed his car, so they asked me to drive it. Not a problem, except that I don't know some of the specifics (there are 4 spots marked "drive" - which one should I use? Where are the headlights?). Drunken Justin's response to my query was "oh, you can just drive it." I got back before everyone else. I had Justin's keys, but I've never been able to unlock his door, and I wasn't about to just stand in the courtyard. Went home for a moment and had a glass of water. The drinks started flowing a bit more freely at Justin's, though I was careful not to get too drunk and pass out. Ashley, who hadn't shown up at Lei, finally joined us, and I got to meet her awesome pa. Jason also joined us. I don't even remember why I was down, but I was, and when Ken told me that he was going to drop Justin off in Mission Hills and then go to Rich's, I asked him if he wanted to go alone again.
Rich's was densely populated, and the music really wasn't bad. He kept playing the occasional hiphop song, which was no fun. I saw a couple of former co-workers of mine, though they didn't say hi, and I was in no mood to chase them. Also saw Matt and his BF. We lost people a couple of times, but eventually found them. My mood didn't start to pick up until almost the end of the night, and I danced with people. There was a somewhat attractive couple that was making eyes at me, and I smiled at them. I went with Ken to get a drink, and then he mentioned that he had to pee. I waited there for a little while, and then went about 10 feet away, into the other room. The couple from the dance floor started talking to me, but I eventually got tired of waiting and went to look for Ken. Matt found me, with Ken in tow. I asked Ken where he'd been, and his response was that he went to pee. Matt's response was that he was making out with him. I had figured as much, laughed, and pushed Ken away. He stormed off and Matt chased him. When Matt got back, he said that Ken had gone home, and kissed me. I briefly considered going home with Matt, or else the couple from earlier, but I'm just too damn dumb. Also, the rest of our party was relying on us for a ride, and I hoped to be able to catch Ken before he drove off. Caught up to him just as he was peeling off. Finally got home, good and angry, and in no mood. First he told me not to sleep there, which I didn't listen to anymore than anything else he said. He tried to pull a "how could you shove me, my dad was abusive, blah blah blah", and I just told him to grow the fuck up. He kept warning me to leave him alone, which went over about as well as any threat to me ever does. I don't remember what it was that finally set him to say that he was done and breaking up with me, but I do remember firing right back that I just wished he hadn't given me HIV first. I got a little meaner from there, telling him that he was the most ridiculously selfish person I had ever met, and would fuck up relationship after relationship and die alone. He countered that he had family and friends, and apparently thought that he was doing me a favor by not mentioning my lack thereof, but I'm probably better at hearing things that aren't said than I am at things that are. He also said that in the morning, we would try to patch things up, but it would be too late.
Sunday - 4/6/08 - We didn't say anything for a long time when we woke up. I asked if he wanted coffee, and he said no. He finally started the dialogue, which kept coming back to that the negative aspects in our relationship were piling higher than the positive ones. He asked me to give him reasons we should stay together "and don't say because I'm the love of your life", and I listed some. I'm still a little disgusted with myself over that. We also talked about the hateful things I had said. I don't trust people easily, and I get upset when that trust is taken for granted. Actually couldn't get that line from "Not About Love" out of my head. He mentioned that we were just lucky, because he can say vicious things, but doesn't like that aspect of himself, so keeps a lid on it. I didn't have anything to say to that except "Bring it", so I didn't say anything at all. He also mentioned that a number of his friends had mentioned that I was a very angry person, and it sometimes scared them. Anyway, we eventually decided not to break up, and checked on the folks from the night before. Apparently, it had been Boyfriend Drama Night - Brandon and Chris had gotten into it because Brandon didn't want Chris driving. Ashley had tried to calm them down, and tried to call us on their behalf, since Brandon wanted to spend the night. In the end, everyone got home safely, though, which is what matters. We went out for brunch with Dallas and Matthew at Hawthorne's. Also stopped for flowers, as we were apparently having a BBQ at Justin's for Nikki. Ken and I had been supposed to go to a tennis picnic with Allen and Matt, but we had to tap out of that. He mentioned that he hated commiting to something and then backing out at the last minute. I didn't say anything snarky. We invited a number of people, including Ashley and Matt (Matt that we want to sleep with, not Matt & Allen). When I suggested inviting Jason, he said sure, but just remember that it's for Nikki. I opted not to, but wondered why on earth we had invited Matt, if that was the case. We went to Henry's, and picked up meat stuff and non meat stuff, and had most everything prepped by 4. No one showed up until about 4:45, but that was fine. Ashley came by, as did Matthew and Allen, and Kenny, Nelson, and Chante. It was very chill. I ate a bit too much, but it was all vegetables. The party was completely wound down by 8, so we just headed home.
Even though we laid down almost immediately, we ended up talking for several hours. He had apparently forgotten that I told him about giving that guy head from Thursday, and was a little upset. I held my tongue, but thought about how when he finally told me about Matthew and the July party, he said that it didn't matter. Also talked briefly about Sean, even though he doesn't like me asking questions. I asked him if he showered afterwards, and he initially said yes. Then I asked if he had showered there, and he said no....well, just washed up and brushed his teeth and stuff. Well, just did the toothpaste on the finger thing. Gah. Asked a couple more questions. We went in circles for a while - he feels like it's an inquisition. I want details. His initial and insistent offering for compromise was that he tells me what he thinks are the important parts and I don't ask questions. Had a good long internal laugh over that one, and we settled on he will try to tell me eveything and I will therefore need to ask less questions. We'll see.
Monday - 4/7/08 - CRAZY BUSY at work. Good news was that the day absolutely raced by. 3pm in no time flat. Went home, showered and the like, and read online comics and the like until Ken got home. I had been hoping for sex - nothing doing. Also didn't ask for it. He watched TV for a bit, and munched on pretzels, and eventually started watching Atlantis until Justin called. We went over there and the boys had leftover steaks and stuff. I had some of the leftover burger fixins, some of the garbanzo salad, and some of the bread (before I threw the rest away). I also did the rest of the dishes and brought the last of our stuff back over. I'm happy when I'm helpful. Ken had poured himself a cosmo while we were there, so I helped myself to a drink at home. It wasn't very strong, and the buzz wore off in no time. I was still hoping for sex, which was part of the reason I didn't eat much when I got home, but mostly I just didn't want anything. Go me! Eventually understood that sex wasn't going to happen - Ken didn't come home until 9:45, when the second movie was done, so just figured I'd get drunk and go to sleep. Jason had offered OT, and it makes it much easier to wake up early if I drink the night before. Ken and I talked a bit in bed, mostly about him wanting me to go back to the doctor. I had my last visit in January, so I'm about due, though I never got the results back from it. I'm not really worried - Ken's viral load went waaay down after his first visit, and I've taken really good care of myself this year. It's mostly just pride (they should call me, since they want my insurance money/business), and a desire not to be inconvenienced. Anyway, after what was probably the nicest chat we've had in a long time, we snuggled in to sleep. I woke up early, like I thought I would, with Ken wrapped tightly around me. I thought of how nice that was, and how long it had been since he'd snuggled with me, instead of vice versa. Then I remembered that I had told him I was going into work early, and it occurred to me that his snuggling was just a way to keep me there. I got up, and he became very very cranky. Made my oatmeal, and went into work.
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