I Could Change My Life To Better Suit Your Mood

[thepnutgallery]

Thursday 4/3/08 - In one of the last e-mails I got from Ken, he told me that Nikki had just lost her baby. It was kind of stunning. I thought about baking something, but I'm just completely incapable of not wonkifying thigs (subbing/cutting fats/sugars and the like), so I called in the big guns and sent Aimee an e-mail. Made it home, laid down on the couch until Ken got home, and then we laid down together in our room. I am so stunned with myself for being able to carry on rational conversations, for not taking the low road, and for being able to manage my reaction to things better. He had mentioned, earlier in the day, that he had been fairly critical of me. It wasn't until we laid down and he was trying to tell me how I needed to add a filter to my speech in case it might make someone overhearing it uncomfortable that I finally got it. He's been very free with telling what I need to change and how I need to be. We managed to get a lot out. He mentioned that I might have some unresolved anger about the times he's cheated and lied that I needed to deal with....I told him I didn't understand how he went from a lifetime of patience after the first time I caught him to "Aren't you over this yet?" with the recent barrage. We also touched on the whole "cheerleader" thing, and I brought up that I was the one who was ready to give my credit score to buy property together, that I wanted joint cell phones, and that I had been ready to marry him. He said that he's definitely been more cautious in the relationship...I'm sure my expression said what I didn't about that, and he wondered aloud if where we were wasn't all his fault. I just pointed out that, even when things are my fault, I have a tendency to see them as not.
We laid down a little while longer, settling on his conclusion that we need to get "back on track", though I still don't know exactly how we do that, and he asked me what I planned on for the night. Since The House wasn't having a screening, I really didn't know. There was a gent on A4A who wanted to give me a massage, and also a girl coming in to town from the PPK who migth want to get together. I figured the A4A comment would get us having sex, and it did, and it was fantastic. He took a little longer to cum than usual, but made his usual, adorable funny faces when he was almost there. I had been ready to cum since the beginning, and it showed when I shot - neck!
It was about time to go at that point, so we drove over to Pick-up Stix, and I sat with him while he ate. He had initially insisted that he would drive me home after, but he got a rockin' spot, so I jogged. Felt really good about it, except one time that I stepped on my ankle wrong.
Back at home, I realxed a bit, popped onto A4A. Got hit up by a couple gents, including DrKen, who couldn't seem to understand keeping a rule if your SO won't find out......I really might be an alien, I guess. Ended up hanging out with a guy that I've been chatting with for a while, and staying a little too long. I almost went home without doing anything, but he finally made a move. We mostly just made out - I gave him head for a bit, but he never got completely hard. I never even took my underwear off.
Ken was already home when I got there, which was surprising, slightly tipsy, and despite initially insisting that he was fine, finally said that it just seemed opportunistic of me, but that he was fine. I was done chasing him, so I went into the kitchen, stir-fried the bok choy in the frige, and ate massive amounts of chips and nuts. When I finally came to bed, he was asleep, and as far onto his side of the bed as possible. I put one hand on him, and would later snuggle up even though he stayed put. I will do whatever I can to make him comfortable with the situation that he's insisted on.