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thepnutgalleryThursday - Having gone to bed so late on Wednesday, I was really no good for anything. Got a lot of work done, of course, and then went straight home. I had thought about going to the Energizer Trio, but Ken called and mentioned that he was working late, but might stop home before going to dinner with Brandon and then poker. He didn't end up doing that, so I just kind of sat home and waited. I ended up going to bed around 10:45 or so, though I didn't sleep. He got home around 11:45 or so, apologized a little for staying out, and we called it a night.
Friday - Slept fairly well on Thursday, so when I started to feel down on Friday, I really had nothing to blame. Crawled deeper and deeper into my hole at work. Left work about 5 min early, though I didn't end up stopping for fuel like I meant to. Sat in my car for a little while, going back and forth about what to write in my note, and where to leave it. I knew that Ken wasn't working late, so I'd need to leave him a note just saying I was sleeping, and put the other one somewhere he'd find it later. Eventually came down from there, well aware that 1) this is the closest I've been since high school, and 2) that I do seem to get closer with every contemplation. That makes me feel like a little less of a poser. Went inside, got cleaned up, waited for Ken to come home. He must've rushed home, because he got there at 4:15, which is the earliest I've ever seen him without him taking off early. We talked for a bit, and I mentioned how down I'd been all week, and that I'd thought about us taking a break until he was ready to be honest with me. Things went in circles for a bit, but he finally admitted that on my last show of Rocky on Dec. 14th (you know, the one he insisted I do, only to tap out of the night before?) he had given Sean head. This was back in the days when we had an open relationship, and he was just supposed to tell me. Not the first time I've been fucked over for trusting him.
Napped at home for a bit, and then Dallas came over and we watched Paris is Burning. Fierce fucking movie, and Ru Paul is a goddamn thief. Also a very sad movie. Jason came over in time to have a drink, and then we all headed over to Rich's. The music wasn't bad. Dallas, Jason and I went out and danced when he played Madonna's "Jump", and stayed out for a bit. I tapped out after a few songs, though the boys stayed dancing. Chatted with Ken on the sidelines, though my mood was definitely on the decline. Went out and danced with the boys one more time, and gave some well deserved snark to a group of bitchy queens on the floor. Or they might've been complimentary queens on the floor, I don't really know. Eventually, we all retired to the side lines, watched as the DJ muddled his way though a couple more songs, and then Jason went home and we went for some drinks. I had a long island, courtesy of Dallas, and stayed on the sidelines even when everyone else was on the floor. Finally found my way out there - figured that since I was low, I might as well burn some calories as well. Ken mentioned to me that he had finally figured out why he liked Dj Tye so much: "We buy the same music. I just play it better." I responded with a blank look instead of the snark burning on my tongue, and Ken decided it was time to tap out soon after. Surprisingly, Dallas decided to join us. I would later find out that the guy he had been sort of dating was there with someone else. The car ride home was mostly silent, and Ken ate his leftovers from Subway while I drank water and the Golden Girls played. He went to bed after that, stopping to ask me if I was coming to bed. I responded that I didn't know, and he went on his own. I slept on the couch, which was good because I had to pee a ba-jillion times throughout the night.
Saturday - I woke up surprisingly early, but just laid there until Ken got up and collected me. He went into work, I hooked up with some guy. I had two frontrunners, and kind of ended up making the wrong choice. 1) He was the less attractive of the two 2) he lived in Encinitas and 3) he was on later in the evening. There will be others. Ken got home before me, but had figured, at latest when I called him to let him know I was meeting some one, that I was hooking up. We cleaned house a bit, and then picked up Dallas for lunch at Mo's. I opted against eating, though I had some of Ken's fruit and one of Dallas' fries. Off to BevMo after that, for their buy one get one for 5 cents sale on Skyy vodka. That took a little longer than expected, and then we dropped Dallas off and headed home. Laying down, Ken was texting on his phone and I asked him what was going on. Nothing. Laid down next to him, and he started talking about us occasionally having alone time. Perhaps whole nights that we spend apart. I'm a keen cookie, and I mention that my problem is knowing which nights are alone time, and which nights are time to hook up with other people. Oh, and this might be one of those nights. And he might hang out with Sean later. Nothing for certain, just something he was thinking about. Can I read the texts you've sent? No. Aha. He eventually told me that he had already texted Sean about having sex, and that he wanted to go out tonight on his own, and if sex happened then it happened. When I told him I would probably hook up on my own, he seemed to get a little upset, but eventually came to conclusion that it was fair. It was a really really big step for us, to openly communicate that he wanted to have sex with someone else, and a good one, though it may yet prove to be too little too late.
We laid down for a nap after that, and woke up a bit late, but eventually found our way to Tammi's b-day party. Jason joined us, as did Dallas and some ADORABLE pocket gay by the name of Ryan. There were also a few other people there, including Tim, who clarified that I was not a bitch to him the prior weekend, I just made a very abrupt departure. Stayed there a little too long, ate just a little too much, and then went home. Got into a brief discussion with Ken about militant veganism, and then Jason came over. I'm glad he did, so we could talk, but I'd rather he didn't so I could've hooked up. Ken left for Rich's shortly after he got there, and Jason, while reluctant to leave, finally took off at about 1:15 or so. Not a whole lot of folks on at that point, and I thought about going down to Club San Diego, but really just wanted to be in bed with Ken, so did nothing but wait. Ken finally came home around 2:45 - He had met some military guy by the name of Scott, and they made out at Rich's for a while before concluding that neither of them could host and heading over to Club San Diego. All the rooms were apparently booked up, so they went in anyway, messed around on the couch for a bit, went into the sauna for a bit, and finally Ken came home. Neither of them came. I gave him all the reassurance that I could that he had done the right thing, that I appreciated him telling me. He mentioned that he had thought about bringing the guy home, but it didn't feel right. As much as I would've liked that, I am in complete agreement. If he had brought the guy home, I would've felt pressure to make 3-ways happen, instead of hooking up on my own. Laying down, we talked for longer than we should have. I mentioned again that I will eventually be comfortable with hooking up on my own, and with him doing the same. He then became something of a broken record, telling me several times that he was sorry, but he couldn't do a monogamous relationship right now.
Sunday - I am...okay...about the night before. I could wish I had hooked up, but they can't all be winners. Mostly, I'm just glad that he was open and honest about it. I popped onto A4A, and it took a while, but I eventually found us a playmate in the form of the 2nd runner up from the day before. That was okay, if brief. The guy kept pushing my head off of him while I was giving him head, and when he finally did fuck me, came within a couple seconds. He shot far enough that I guess Ken didn't notice, so Ken kept trying to jerk the poor guy off, gave him head and everything. I rimmed Ken for a while, but eventually the gent got up and mentioned something about getting us towels. Like I said, fun, if brief. Back at home, I'm still randy as fuck, and Ken wants to make sure we're okay, but doesn't seem to want to be terribly affectionate. Talking a while longer, he mentions Matthew, and how he was waaay more into him when he first message me, but that changed right quick. I brought up the 4th of July party, when I first met Matthew, and Ken mentioned that he gave him head briefly in the bathroom. You'd think I'd be allowed my reaction, but really no, what I should have done was just reassure Ken that everything was fine. Eventually we make up, though he is now just hungry. He finally concedes and we have sex, though this time I shoot within the first minute (Buckets!). It takes him a while, but he said that he eventually came. I see no evidence of this. We talk about it a bit more, and then he lays down, talking still about how hungry he is, and that he wants a crispy chicken sandwich. I tell him he should probably put some clothes on and go get it. He falls asleep, and I follow suit shortly thereafter. He wakes up a little less than 2 hrs later, snappish like a mug, and gets his food. I take the opportunity to put fuel in my car, and then eat some TVP of my own. He apologizes for snapping at me, though my mood is already kind of down. Thinking about it, I can't help but wonder why he lied, even back then. He also has no idea. I'm becoming a little impatient to hear everything, but he's getting tired of having to face his lies. He mentions something about how it's not easy for him to be a cheerleader for us when he feels like this, which sounds dangerously like he wants to take a break, and then takes another nap. I update my journal, and nap as well.
Much later, he finally head butts me (we had been sleeping on oppposite sides of the bed), and I hold him for a little while. Finally start talking, about the weekend, and what a waste it's been. Eventually head over to Bacione for dinner, though I'm feeling ill by the time we get there, and it gets no better before we leave. On the way there, as we pass by Brian's American Eatery, I query whether he ever actually went there. Nope. Dinner is alright, and I'm feeling better by the end of it, but my mood is downright unhappy when we get home. I pour me a drink, which only upsets Ken more, and we talk about my lack of motivation to get myself out of depression. Also talk about frequency of hook-ups: I don't understand limiting them. He doesn't want me to be pass around patty. I take a Xanex, which he also doesn't like, and we go to bed on decent terms.
Friday - Slept fairly well on Thursday, so when I started to feel down on Friday, I really had nothing to blame. Crawled deeper and deeper into my hole at work. Left work about 5 min early, though I didn't end up stopping for fuel like I meant to. Sat in my car for a little while, going back and forth about what to write in my note, and where to leave it. I knew that Ken wasn't working late, so I'd need to leave him a note just saying I was sleeping, and put the other one somewhere he'd find it later. Eventually came down from there, well aware that 1) this is the closest I've been since high school, and 2) that I do seem to get closer with every contemplation. That makes me feel like a little less of a poser. Went inside, got cleaned up, waited for Ken to come home. He must've rushed home, because he got there at 4:15, which is the earliest I've ever seen him without him taking off early. We talked for a bit, and I mentioned how down I'd been all week, and that I'd thought about us taking a break until he was ready to be honest with me. Things went in circles for a bit, but he finally admitted that on my last show of Rocky on Dec. 14th (you know, the one he insisted I do, only to tap out of the night before?) he had given Sean head. This was back in the days when we had an open relationship, and he was just supposed to tell me. Not the first time I've been fucked over for trusting him.
Napped at home for a bit, and then Dallas came over and we watched Paris is Burning. Fierce fucking movie, and Ru Paul is a goddamn thief. Also a very sad movie. Jason came over in time to have a drink, and then we all headed over to Rich's. The music wasn't bad. Dallas, Jason and I went out and danced when he played Madonna's "Jump", and stayed out for a bit. I tapped out after a few songs, though the boys stayed dancing. Chatted with Ken on the sidelines, though my mood was definitely on the decline. Went out and danced with the boys one more time, and gave some well deserved snark to a group of bitchy queens on the floor. Or they might've been complimentary queens on the floor, I don't really know. Eventually, we all retired to the side lines, watched as the DJ muddled his way though a couple more songs, and then Jason went home and we went for some drinks. I had a long island, courtesy of Dallas, and stayed on the sidelines even when everyone else was on the floor. Finally found my way out there - figured that since I was low, I might as well burn some calories as well. Ken mentioned to me that he had finally figured out why he liked Dj Tye so much: "We buy the same music. I just play it better." I responded with a blank look instead of the snark burning on my tongue, and Ken decided it was time to tap out soon after. Surprisingly, Dallas decided to join us. I would later find out that the guy he had been sort of dating was there with someone else. The car ride home was mostly silent, and Ken ate his leftovers from Subway while I drank water and the Golden Girls played. He went to bed after that, stopping to ask me if I was coming to bed. I responded that I didn't know, and he went on his own. I slept on the couch, which was good because I had to pee a ba-jillion times throughout the night.
Saturday - I woke up surprisingly early, but just laid there until Ken got up and collected me. He went into work, I hooked up with some guy. I had two frontrunners, and kind of ended up making the wrong choice. 1) He was the less attractive of the two 2) he lived in Encinitas and 3) he was on later in the evening. There will be others. Ken got home before me, but had figured, at latest when I called him to let him know I was meeting some one, that I was hooking up. We cleaned house a bit, and then picked up Dallas for lunch at Mo's. I opted against eating, though I had some of Ken's fruit and one of Dallas' fries. Off to BevMo after that, for their buy one get one for 5 cents sale on Skyy vodka. That took a little longer than expected, and then we dropped Dallas off and headed home. Laying down, Ken was texting on his phone and I asked him what was going on. Nothing. Laid down next to him, and he started talking about us occasionally having alone time. Perhaps whole nights that we spend apart. I'm a keen cookie, and I mention that my problem is knowing which nights are alone time, and which nights are time to hook up with other people. Oh, and this might be one of those nights. And he might hang out with Sean later. Nothing for certain, just something he was thinking about. Can I read the texts you've sent? No. Aha. He eventually told me that he had already texted Sean about having sex, and that he wanted to go out tonight on his own, and if sex happened then it happened. When I told him I would probably hook up on my own, he seemed to get a little upset, but eventually came to conclusion that it was fair. It was a really really big step for us, to openly communicate that he wanted to have sex with someone else, and a good one, though it may yet prove to be too little too late.
We laid down for a nap after that, and woke up a bit late, but eventually found our way to Tammi's b-day party. Jason joined us, as did Dallas and some ADORABLE pocket gay by the name of Ryan. There were also a few other people there, including Tim, who clarified that I was not a bitch to him the prior weekend, I just made a very abrupt departure. Stayed there a little too long, ate just a little too much, and then went home. Got into a brief discussion with Ken about militant veganism, and then Jason came over. I'm glad he did, so we could talk, but I'd rather he didn't so I could've hooked up. Ken left for Rich's shortly after he got there, and Jason, while reluctant to leave, finally took off at about 1:15 or so. Not a whole lot of folks on at that point, and I thought about going down to Club San Diego, but really just wanted to be in bed with Ken, so did nothing but wait. Ken finally came home around 2:45 - He had met some military guy by the name of Scott, and they made out at Rich's for a while before concluding that neither of them could host and heading over to Club San Diego. All the rooms were apparently booked up, so they went in anyway, messed around on the couch for a bit, went into the sauna for a bit, and finally Ken came home. Neither of them came. I gave him all the reassurance that I could that he had done the right thing, that I appreciated him telling me. He mentioned that he had thought about bringing the guy home, but it didn't feel right. As much as I would've liked that, I am in complete agreement. If he had brought the guy home, I would've felt pressure to make 3-ways happen, instead of hooking up on my own. Laying down, we talked for longer than we should have. I mentioned again that I will eventually be comfortable with hooking up on my own, and with him doing the same. He then became something of a broken record, telling me several times that he was sorry, but he couldn't do a monogamous relationship right now.
Sunday - I am...okay...about the night before. I could wish I had hooked up, but they can't all be winners. Mostly, I'm just glad that he was open and honest about it. I popped onto A4A, and it took a while, but I eventually found us a playmate in the form of the 2nd runner up from the day before. That was okay, if brief. The guy kept pushing my head off of him while I was giving him head, and when he finally did fuck me, came within a couple seconds. He shot far enough that I guess Ken didn't notice, so Ken kept trying to jerk the poor guy off, gave him head and everything. I rimmed Ken for a while, but eventually the gent got up and mentioned something about getting us towels. Like I said, fun, if brief. Back at home, I'm still randy as fuck, and Ken wants to make sure we're okay, but doesn't seem to want to be terribly affectionate. Talking a while longer, he mentions Matthew, and how he was waaay more into him when he first message me, but that changed right quick. I brought up the 4th of July party, when I first met Matthew, and Ken mentioned that he gave him head briefly in the bathroom. You'd think I'd be allowed my reaction, but really no, what I should have done was just reassure Ken that everything was fine. Eventually we make up, though he is now just hungry. He finally concedes and we have sex, though this time I shoot within the first minute (Buckets!). It takes him a while, but he said that he eventually came. I see no evidence of this. We talk about it a bit more, and then he lays down, talking still about how hungry he is, and that he wants a crispy chicken sandwich. I tell him he should probably put some clothes on and go get it. He falls asleep, and I follow suit shortly thereafter. He wakes up a little less than 2 hrs later, snappish like a mug, and gets his food. I take the opportunity to put fuel in my car, and then eat some TVP of my own. He apologizes for snapping at me, though my mood is already kind of down. Thinking about it, I can't help but wonder why he lied, even back then. He also has no idea. I'm becoming a little impatient to hear everything, but he's getting tired of having to face his lies. He mentions something about how it's not easy for him to be a cheerleader for us when he feels like this, which sounds dangerously like he wants to take a break, and then takes another nap. I update my journal, and nap as well.
Much later, he finally head butts me (we had been sleeping on oppposite sides of the bed), and I hold him for a little while. Finally start talking, about the weekend, and what a waste it's been. Eventually head over to Bacione for dinner, though I'm feeling ill by the time we get there, and it gets no better before we leave. On the way there, as we pass by Brian's American Eatery, I query whether he ever actually went there. Nope. Dinner is alright, and I'm feeling better by the end of it, but my mood is downright unhappy when we get home. I pour me a drink, which only upsets Ken more, and we talk about my lack of motivation to get myself out of depression. Also talk about frequency of hook-ups: I don't understand limiting them. He doesn't want me to be pass around patty. I take a Xanex, which he also doesn't like, and we go to bed on decent terms.
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