Eonian Evening
Aug. 20th, 2021 08:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgallerySurfride10, a gent I've known for years, and who I fucked relatively often with embarrassing results during my addiction, had texted me the night before, and we briefly caught up. He might come with to the Fox Den next week, and Julian and I might tag team him. Julian didn't wake for his alarm, and when I tried to wake him, I learned he stayed up until around 2-3ish and he initially said he locked himself out. That shouldn't be possible in this apartment, but it brought back memories of being locked out of prior apartments by ER/police. Many times. He was reluctant to wake, but it was a sweet moment to lay together. I got him ready for work, did the morning chores and tried to dive into work, but net extender was curiously blank. I had no idea where that information could even be found...until I looked at the doc I saved my password on, which also had the Net Extender info. I still had to hard reset My computer because then it just said Preparing forever. I got in eventually and made sure to comment on Teams so they'd know I was there, but I didn't clock in from home since we're not supposed to. Or something. Lynelle sent an email reminding me to, so I guess next time I'll just go for it. Kathy was back, which meant all the mail I did yesterday was "stolen." It was her first day back and she's a manager anyway; she's never wanting for work. I took care of the bits that came in for my digits and worked on tying up loose ends from before. We had our weekly meeting, though I was a bit late. Aliyah, the new LA that I saw on Tuesday, was getting her introductions. We were going around just describing our job duties. They went on seniority, so I at least heard examples first. LMF was sleeping but in frame when my turn came, so I got the important parts out. I also made sure to mention that ADI is easily one of, if not the, best companies I've ever worked for in my life, though I didn't mention that we get pennies. She'll figure that out if she hasn't already.
My ketamine arrived, and I was amazed and excited. I really felt like Charlie at the end of the chocolate factory. My antidepressant will now also get me high, if only for like...30 min-an hour. Julian waved some red flags over that, since he knows me, but that's kind of the beauty of the prescription. It's a limiting factor. It's not like I could just Amazon Prime an extra gallon. Other Julian (OJ) stopped by for quarters and let us know his mom had a heart attack. His ex was with him and he asked for drugs. My Julian (MJ) gave him my flower again, but OJ kept asking for something stronger. I thought MJ maybe made mention of my prescription or something so I made sure to only talk about THC. OJ wanted something stronger than THC...don't we all. Welcome to the Quest, OJ. OJ left, MJ told me he had the same worry and same reactions. He thought I'd told OJ about my prescription and directed the conversation back to weed. Hilarious, adorable, and thoughtful. He kept drinking and smoking, and I took a lozenge, and I swear the evening lasted several centuries. Maybe that's ketamine for you, but I traveled miles in my head. Thought about Megan, Tim, and FHA and everything I owe them - I repeatedly went to my phone to just send thank you notes, but didn't think it was really the time - neighbors, Surfride10, existence, and somewhat awkwardly, hardcore, very bloody, ideation. I didn't go into detail on that because I felt like it wasn't germane. That part was weird, but I did feel like those feelings were largely insulated. Not that I didn't think about my scalpels, but I didn't go find them or anything. I thought about my (very) old Human Sexual Behavior class. There were a couple recovering addicts in that class, and in addition to discussing relapse (it's a process), one of the women also talked about heroin or something, and talked about the high reportedly feeling like being under a warm blanket on a cold night. It was obviously not a cold night, but that feeling of insulation was very strong. I ended my T Break - a 21 day break would be best, but the 5 or 6 days I gave it should do most of it. We couldn't find either of the remaining pen-cart combos, and OJ probably took one in addition to the packaged pen I gave him. It's always worse to need to steal than to be stolen from. I might teach Julian some dance basics, both so we can perform together and to get him more in touch with his body and self. I've got the space, as long as I move my couch, I was already considering teaching Patrick, and there's Steezy online classes, too. We sat outside together for a bit and talked about the import of therapy and our relationship. He talked a lot about how guilty he feels for forcing Lady Miss Friday to stay in her room all the time, but realistically, this is nothing new for her. 90% of the time in the last Cleveland apartment I had house guests so she stayed in anyway. He also talked some about how grateful he is for everything I've done for him, and tried to identify specifically why he loves me. He landed on how exciting my life is. Kind of awkward, especially given the truth in cups, but it reinforced my choices and thoughts, and was kind of reassuring in some ways, since I'm not going out and partying anymore. Kathy had mentioned at my meeting that of all the ways to describe me and my life, boring is very most definitely not one of them. I felt like the various chems both enabled and impeded a lot of the discussions we had. Julian said I was bassically his therapist, and I went into Tim being my assistant therapist, and how I can be his, but he needs to get a real therapist first. He may see me going through it, he may think there's nothing to it, but I simply cannot do it alone. That, of course, led to his jealousy and insecurity with Tim. He thinks Tim is trying to steal me. I don't. If Tim and I got back together, we'd be one of those couples who don't have sex. I'm not his type, when it comes down to it, and we're not really into the same things. Later in the night, Julian decided to wash my shoes that his kids had pissed on in the tub. I guess? I stopped him from putting my tap shoes in, everything else I guess we'll figure out. It's hot enough these days, I should be able to just put them out back for about 20 minutes or so tomorrow and dry them. Then cram them all back in that box so the kids don't piss on them again, because I don't leave Lady Miss Friday if I can help it. He kept talking about my offer to stay up on his weekends even though tonight wasn't. We stayed up until around 2 again, he asked for body rubs, we moved to his bed and were maybe going to fuck, but he passed out. Not surprising, and I went to LMF. I visited her throughout the night when Julian went out to smoke, she mostly just stayed sleeping on a corner. She stayed there for a while but eventually joined me under the blanket curled up under my arm. It didn't last, but just that 15 minutes or so really made the night.
My ketamine arrived, and I was amazed and excited. I really felt like Charlie at the end of the chocolate factory. My antidepressant will now also get me high, if only for like...30 min-an hour. Julian waved some red flags over that, since he knows me, but that's kind of the beauty of the prescription. It's a limiting factor. It's not like I could just Amazon Prime an extra gallon. Other Julian (OJ) stopped by for quarters and let us know his mom had a heart attack. His ex was with him and he asked for drugs. My Julian (MJ) gave him my flower again, but OJ kept asking for something stronger. I thought MJ maybe made mention of my prescription or something so I made sure to only talk about THC. OJ wanted something stronger than THC...don't we all. Welcome to the Quest, OJ. OJ left, MJ told me he had the same worry and same reactions. He thought I'd told OJ about my prescription and directed the conversation back to weed. Hilarious, adorable, and thoughtful. He kept drinking and smoking, and I took a lozenge, and I swear the evening lasted several centuries. Maybe that's ketamine for you, but I traveled miles in my head. Thought about Megan, Tim, and FHA and everything I owe them - I repeatedly went to my phone to just send thank you notes, but didn't think it was really the time - neighbors, Surfride10, existence, and somewhat awkwardly, hardcore, very bloody, ideation. I didn't go into detail on that because I felt like it wasn't germane. That part was weird, but I did feel like those feelings were largely insulated. Not that I didn't think about my scalpels, but I didn't go find them or anything. I thought about my (very) old Human Sexual Behavior class. There were a couple recovering addicts in that class, and in addition to discussing relapse (it's a process), one of the women also talked about heroin or something, and talked about the high reportedly feeling like being under a warm blanket on a cold night. It was obviously not a cold night, but that feeling of insulation was very strong. I ended my T Break - a 21 day break would be best, but the 5 or 6 days I gave it should do most of it. We couldn't find either of the remaining pen-cart combos, and OJ probably took one in addition to the packaged pen I gave him. It's always worse to need to steal than to be stolen from. I might teach Julian some dance basics, both so we can perform together and to get him more in touch with his body and self. I've got the space, as long as I move my couch, I was already considering teaching Patrick, and there's Steezy online classes, too. We sat outside together for a bit and talked about the import of therapy and our relationship. He talked a lot about how guilty he feels for forcing Lady Miss Friday to stay in her room all the time, but realistically, this is nothing new for her. 90% of the time in the last Cleveland apartment I had house guests so she stayed in anyway. He also talked some about how grateful he is for everything I've done for him, and tried to identify specifically why he loves me. He landed on how exciting my life is. Kind of awkward, especially given the truth in cups, but it reinforced my choices and thoughts, and was kind of reassuring in some ways, since I'm not going out and partying anymore. Kathy had mentioned at my meeting that of all the ways to describe me and my life, boring is very most definitely not one of them. I felt like the various chems both enabled and impeded a lot of the discussions we had. Julian said I was bassically his therapist, and I went into Tim being my assistant therapist, and how I can be his, but he needs to get a real therapist first. He may see me going through it, he may think there's nothing to it, but I simply cannot do it alone. That, of course, led to his jealousy and insecurity with Tim. He thinks Tim is trying to steal me. I don't. If Tim and I got back together, we'd be one of those couples who don't have sex. I'm not his type, when it comes down to it, and we're not really into the same things. Later in the night, Julian decided to wash my shoes that his kids had pissed on in the tub. I guess? I stopped him from putting my tap shoes in, everything else I guess we'll figure out. It's hot enough these days, I should be able to just put them out back for about 20 minutes or so tomorrow and dry them. Then cram them all back in that box so the kids don't piss on them again, because I don't leave Lady Miss Friday if I can help it. He kept talking about my offer to stay up on his weekends even though tonight wasn't. We stayed up until around 2 again, he asked for body rubs, we moved to his bed and were maybe going to fuck, but he passed out. Not surprising, and I went to LMF. I visited her throughout the night when Julian went out to smoke, she mostly just stayed sleeping on a corner. She stayed there for a while but eventually joined me under the blanket curled up under my arm. It didn't last, but just that 15 minutes or so really made the night.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}