Even When I Get Up

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I get knocked right back down. I spent about half of yesterday listening to Dave Armstrong's "Love Has Gone" (which I wisely e-mailed to myself the night before), and the other half listening to Paul Oakenfold's "Southern Sun". The latter is a weird song. Ultimately, I like it, but it makes me want to slit my wrists. Not a good thing when I'm down like I've been this week. Got a lot done at work, and I was going to try to hit the gym, but I was so down by the time I got home, I just crawled into bed. Ken came home, and was a little confused about what to do for me. Nada to be done. He went to the gym, and then made a salad for dinner. Eventually, I got up, did nothing. He went to poker. I popped onto A4A, and made a new friend by the name of Chad, and we'll probably get together for coffee or the like sometime. Shortly after Ken left for poker, I found myself with energy, so I went to the gym. The cross-trainers were all taken, so I started working out on the elliptical machine. 40 calories or so later, one of the cross-trainers was free, so I hopped over. I didn't have a great workout - I only did 531 calories on the new machine, and completely forgot about the 40-ish I did on the elliptical. I also worked out my biceps, shoulders, and obliques, so that was good. Showered, sat in the dry sauna for a while. Got hit on, which was nice. Also weighed myself, and I was up to 47.5. Ugh.
Stopped at Whole Foods on the way home, and picked up oatmeal, nutritional yeast, and some flowers for Ken. After all, it's not his fault I'm so down. Well, it is, but it's not his fault I'm still down. Nor is it his fault that I keep falling even when I get up. I almost stopped by poker on the way home, but figured he'd be done already. He wasn't home when I got there, so I did the dishes, set up the flowers, and got cleaned up. I was in a really stellar mood, despite being disappointed in my workout, but it disappeared when Ken got home. He had come in second, and then gone for rolled tacos at La Fuente. There was no rhyme or reason to my mood suddenly taking a dip at his appearance, but it definitely did. I did an extra set of push-ups and crunches while he checked his e-mail one last time, and then brushed my teeth and the like while he got ready for bed. He was on the edge of the bed when I crawled in, though he rolled over towards me shortly thereafter. I made no move to engage him. I could have tolerated snuggling, but I certainly wasn't looking for it. Things are awkward.