![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryI woke up at one but I started thinking about "Atlas Hugged." A parody of Shrugged with the central message that cooperation, mutual assistance, and compassion are the only way to succeed. I thought Tim would maybe be a better writer for it, and I didn't want to forget, so I texted him. Despite the time. I took a sleeping pill and eventually managed to doze for a bit before work. It was a really, really productive day, but I remembered that I hadn't gotten around to drafting the meritorious part of the Benoit, so I fell behind on my paralegal work. By which I mean I had claims that came in over the weekend in the queue at the end of the day. The horror! I'll get there again.
The Benoit meeting was fascinating. I forgot to send it to her before the meeting, so I fumbled around trying to do it when we started, and she asked if I needed more time. I was very blunt that the draft was very, very rough, but it was ready. I could definitely have gone back through and edited it more, but for a first of many drafts, it was fine. Now that I think back, I also forgot to explain why it was in Open Document instead of Word Perfect. Since she explained I'm not allowed to work on it off the clock, "I don't have Word Perfect at home, and I'm barred from the Remote Desktop on the weekend" wouldn't fly. I figured we'd just go through it together, but we barely discussed it at all, just set a meeting for next week so she has time to review it. We did discuss the meritorious requirement, and I fully admitted I was just bullshitting on that section. I'm not a Real Attorney, I just play one on TV. But that's why we're *collaborating* on this, so I can learn to be a Real Attorney. Instead, we talked about her journey grieving and I borrowed a phrase from recovery and general therapy. You take things as you're ready for them, at whatever rate that is. She absolutely is, which she found fascinating because she used to disassociate a lot more, due to her parents also having had a vicious divorce & bitter grudge in the '80s. I guess vicious divorces were trendy in the '80s. I think she even said they weaponized her & her siblings. It made me think of that one birthday party where Amy J and Heather were fighting and I didn't know it. When I found out after, my mind was blown that they had been perfectly polite to one another, if not overly friendly. It was their fight. They weren't about to drag me into it. I'm as bewildered as I am touched. Lynelle harbored tremendous and vicious guilt over not being able to keep her folks in love.
Well, how about that. That same guilt and rage for not knowing the magic word to fix Julian plagues me for not figuring out a solution for my parents. They were just stuck and needed someone to figure out how to make them all happy.
Children internalize trauma because they can't fathom something like abuse happening to someone who's innocent, so to feel a sense of control, they figure they must have done something horrible to deserve it. It's the same concept as victim-blaming. People hate to think it could happen to them, so they try to say a girl being raped was due to her clothes, or her drinking, or any number of other straw men so they'd be in control. Children just victim-blame themselves. In reading the prior briefing, I read some of the facts of the case and had to remind myself that: 1) Abuse is cyclic, so it's almost certain someone fucked with this guy when he was a child. It doesn't excuse it, it just makes the entire situation more tragic. Victim? Abuser? Why not both?! 2) Despite naming itself the Department of "Correction," it's not really structured to rehabilitate anyone. It's the penal system, for fuck's sake. It's there to punish, because we can fathom that it's really not *people* who are intrinsically bad, but horrific situations that cause these behaviors. It's like the additional facets of Jared being arrested for assault. Again. She'd recently seen a Brene Brown speech called the speed of trust. When you trust yourself, you'll trust others. She also brought up "7 Habits of Highly Effective People," which I'll have to read at some point. One of the key concepts is to begin with the end in mind. What do you want your legacy to be? What do you want the meaning of your life to have been? Be goal-oriented. I'm right on top of that, Rose! Organizations have mission statements. Have intention and a mission statement for everything you do. Being a Judging Meyers-Briggs, I need goals. I must always be working towards something. If I just have one of my sit-down talks with myself and figure out what I'm trying for, I'm obviously far more efficient. With or without the manic panic. She said the best part for her about the last year has been getting to know me. The real me is coming through. Previously they knew me, but I was buried beneath my exceptionally apparent trauma. The emotional equivalent of walking in with an increasingly bloody and beat face. It really felt like a collaborative process, though she's had far more experience learning about it than I.
I happened to check my email a few minutes before my session with Candace and I was shocked to see an invite already there when she's consistently been late. She could only give me the standard 45 minutes today because she had an appointment. With that goal in mind, we wandered less. First up was my relationship with alcohol. She was very pleased I bought the breathalyzer, but queried the goal. Fun party game, sure, though Patrick quit drinking. I'll find out what he wants, have ingredients for mocktails, etc. But for me, I want to heed Tim's statement. He DGAF *that* I drink. He's concerned *why* I drink. What the goal is. So if I can have a little sit-down talk with myself before I pour my first cocktail and honestly answer that question, I can work on that. And if I can figure out what level is my Fun Drunk and what level is my Suicidal Drunk, I can make a Rule to stop at whatever number I decide. Eventually, I'll also research whether BACs relate to the amount of damage the booze does in the long run. I've really got to be a better parent to myself. On Julian, he's bassically Wake Up Squeak at the very beginnings of some life awakenings. Change is uncomfortable no matter what, and these changes are even considered uncomfortable *by* the other uncomfortable changes. This also explains his memory gaslighting. I'm waking him up, trying to make him (and me) less co-dependent, so he's lashing out. I want to say unconsciously, but now that I know his screaming fights were intentional emotional abuse I'm not so sure. She also mentioned the possibility of me being Bipolar but said she's not qualified to diagnose it. I thought that was a thing, but I guess not. She was very worried about my playing pharmacologist for me. I'm no stranger to self-medication, so while it's great that I followed Tim's advice and messaged him about it, I'm not going to stop rationing while I wait. I kept my eye on the clock, and the exact second we hit 45 minutes I dropped my sentence in the middle of it and bid her adieu. There's still some issue with my insurance, and I was about to become Freinzied but she put her foot down. This is her job, not mine. Literally. All I can do is call the insurance.
I really wanted to get caught up on my journal, but after the pushing myself to finish the Benoit and try to finish all of my other work completely done, I couldn't summon the focus. And Julian called, so I drank while we talked. Heavily.
The Benoit meeting was fascinating. I forgot to send it to her before the meeting, so I fumbled around trying to do it when we started, and she asked if I needed more time. I was very blunt that the draft was very, very rough, but it was ready. I could definitely have gone back through and edited it more, but for a first of many drafts, it was fine. Now that I think back, I also forgot to explain why it was in Open Document instead of Word Perfect. Since she explained I'm not allowed to work on it off the clock, "I don't have Word Perfect at home, and I'm barred from the Remote Desktop on the weekend" wouldn't fly. I figured we'd just go through it together, but we barely discussed it at all, just set a meeting for next week so she has time to review it. We did discuss the meritorious requirement, and I fully admitted I was just bullshitting on that section. I'm not a Real Attorney, I just play one on TV. But that's why we're *collaborating* on this, so I can learn to be a Real Attorney. Instead, we talked about her journey grieving and I borrowed a phrase from recovery and general therapy. You take things as you're ready for them, at whatever rate that is. She absolutely is, which she found fascinating because she used to disassociate a lot more, due to her parents also having had a vicious divorce & bitter grudge in the '80s. I guess vicious divorces were trendy in the '80s. I think she even said they weaponized her & her siblings. It made me think of that one birthday party where Amy J and Heather were fighting and I didn't know it. When I found out after, my mind was blown that they had been perfectly polite to one another, if not overly friendly. It was their fight. They weren't about to drag me into it. I'm as bewildered as I am touched. Lynelle harbored tremendous and vicious guilt over not being able to keep her folks in love.
Well, how about that. That same guilt and rage for not knowing the magic word to fix Julian plagues me for not figuring out a solution for my parents. They were just stuck and needed someone to figure out how to make them all happy.
Children internalize trauma because they can't fathom something like abuse happening to someone who's innocent, so to feel a sense of control, they figure they must have done something horrible to deserve it. It's the same concept as victim-blaming. People hate to think it could happen to them, so they try to say a girl being raped was due to her clothes, or her drinking, or any number of other straw men so they'd be in control. Children just victim-blame themselves. In reading the prior briefing, I read some of the facts of the case and had to remind myself that: 1) Abuse is cyclic, so it's almost certain someone fucked with this guy when he was a child. It doesn't excuse it, it just makes the entire situation more tragic. Victim? Abuser? Why not both?! 2) Despite naming itself the Department of "Correction," it's not really structured to rehabilitate anyone. It's the penal system, for fuck's sake. It's there to punish, because we can fathom that it's really not *people* who are intrinsically bad, but horrific situations that cause these behaviors. It's like the additional facets of Jared being arrested for assault. Again. She'd recently seen a Brene Brown speech called the speed of trust. When you trust yourself, you'll trust others. She also brought up "7 Habits of Highly Effective People," which I'll have to read at some point. One of the key concepts is to begin with the end in mind. What do you want your legacy to be? What do you want the meaning of your life to have been? Be goal-oriented. I'm right on top of that, Rose! Organizations have mission statements. Have intention and a mission statement for everything you do. Being a Judging Meyers-Briggs, I need goals. I must always be working towards something. If I just have one of my sit-down talks with myself and figure out what I'm trying for, I'm obviously far more efficient. With or without the manic panic. She said the best part for her about the last year has been getting to know me. The real me is coming through. Previously they knew me, but I was buried beneath my exceptionally apparent trauma. The emotional equivalent of walking in with an increasingly bloody and beat face. It really felt like a collaborative process, though she's had far more experience learning about it than I.
I happened to check my email a few minutes before my session with Candace and I was shocked to see an invite already there when she's consistently been late. She could only give me the standard 45 minutes today because she had an appointment. With that goal in mind, we wandered less. First up was my relationship with alcohol. She was very pleased I bought the breathalyzer, but queried the goal. Fun party game, sure, though Patrick quit drinking. I'll find out what he wants, have ingredients for mocktails, etc. But for me, I want to heed Tim's statement. He DGAF *that* I drink. He's concerned *why* I drink. What the goal is. So if I can have a little sit-down talk with myself before I pour my first cocktail and honestly answer that question, I can work on that. And if I can figure out what level is my Fun Drunk and what level is my Suicidal Drunk, I can make a Rule to stop at whatever number I decide. Eventually, I'll also research whether BACs relate to the amount of damage the booze does in the long run. I've really got to be a better parent to myself. On Julian, he's bassically Wake Up Squeak at the very beginnings of some life awakenings. Change is uncomfortable no matter what, and these changes are even considered uncomfortable *by* the other uncomfortable changes. This also explains his memory gaslighting. I'm waking him up, trying to make him (and me) less co-dependent, so he's lashing out. I want to say unconsciously, but now that I know his screaming fights were intentional emotional abuse I'm not so sure. She also mentioned the possibility of me being Bipolar but said she's not qualified to diagnose it. I thought that was a thing, but I guess not. She was very worried about my playing pharmacologist for me. I'm no stranger to self-medication, so while it's great that I followed Tim's advice and messaged him about it, I'm not going to stop rationing while I wait. I kept my eye on the clock, and the exact second we hit 45 minutes I dropped my sentence in the middle of it and bid her adieu. There's still some issue with my insurance, and I was about to become Freinzied but she put her foot down. This is her job, not mine. Literally. All I can do is call the insurance.
I really wanted to get caught up on my journal, but after the pushing myself to finish the Benoit and try to finish all of my other work completely done, I couldn't summon the focus. And Julian called, so I drank while we talked. Heavily.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}