Checkmate, Rapists

[thepnutgallery]

Tim messaged me in the morning with a picture of Julian (the city, not the Tazmanian devil) covered in snow. Later, he asked if I would be willing to take a trip to Julian (the city, not Annie Wilkes) some weekend. While I am honestly delighted to spend time with Colleen (when I can keep my anxiety about hurting my mom at bay), I wasn't so sure about a road trip to the North Pole. He replied that Julian (the city, not Katie Ka-Boom) is about the same distance as Oceanside and I relented. I wavered but decided they could hear the rest of the 80's Mix instead of asking for a new theme. There's time. I remembered back when I wanted to make a mixtape for Jan, but I got lost in my head trying to construct the order perfectly instead of just putting the fucking list together. Music is kind of how I express myself, how I communicate, even if it's not my music.

I had texted Chip yesterday, but Tim called in the middle of my texting back and I'd never gotten around to sending it. Also because I was scared of rejection. I messaged him back and he's agreed to be on the Board. Wants to wait until he comes down next in April. That's fine. I went back and forth about whether to keep Cyndi as a Board member or ask Leslie. Ultimately, I can still ask Leslie for advice and it would be rude as fuck to revoke Cyndi's invitation because I hoped for someone better. I'm not wild about spending the $500 incorporation fee again, but maybe I'll raise money for it this time.

My Quarterly Meeting was at 2, so I cleaned up a little. Lynelle commented that ever since they put in the Queue Continuum I've been even more Rockstar than usual. In replying, I realized my level of scatterbrained might well be that low-key ADD a few folks have suggested. I have thought about trying Adderal recreationally, so maybe it would be worth investigating that. She also mentioned that while there are no plans to come back to the office anywhere on the horizon, they wanted to know about any concerns we had when we do. I fucking love ADI. I'm always honest, so I said bluntly that I don't want to go back. But if I absolutely am required to, I want to at least transition slowly to it to make the separation anxiety easier to deal with. I'm not sure how much of it would be mine vs Lady Miss Friday's, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. If it helps her, I'm doing it. If it also helps me, or even helps me more, IDGAF.

In the evening, Tim came over with Pupple. I'd been smoking a lot (of course), and partway through I found out there was a little wine left from the last box I bought and chugged it straight from the box. I'm blaming chems because things got unexpectedly heavy. He was talking about my attitude towards sex, and how sleeping with people I don't want to is kinda rapey. Rape's always been tough for me, because I give consent pretty universally, so I can't be raped. But then I realized that's why I do it, and it felt...familiar.