Shrouded Icebergs

[thepnutgallery]

I had those weird repeating belches that turned to vomit, but I didn't feel off and I was able to sleep before work. I had some technical difficulties with my VPN, but thanks to having nearly everything available from home, worked around it. Given that, I was very glad for my getting ahead of my work from last week. I ran out of time, so I took care of a few things that were work related but not tracked. Cleaned up my inbox, checked the various queues for things that would need attention, emailed a few panel attorneys, prepared things for when I can file them.

My session with Candace seemed more like a chat between friends, which I suppose is healthy. She was deeply disturbed by Dan, the gent where I consented to being roofied. Compared it to necrophilia, but... I'm not yucking anyone's yum. I understand all the reasons it would not be okay without consent, mine is just a constant. There's obviously a lot more to unpack there.

We talked some about Meeker, but I honestly didn't remember those times he cheated during the relationship (open or closed) vs the times prior and just lied about it anyway. Sure, it's been almost 15 years, but my Wrong Files are supposed to be the one part of my brain that works with the organization and precision that's supposed to be the standard for Virgos. Lorde, I couldn't even remember that time he stayed home from work, cheated on me, but left his A4A signed in and I saw all the messages. I would have seen them anyway, but.... It was a terrible relationship I should have left a lot sooner or never even started, and that apparently has something to do with boundaries. But also being viciously competitive. I couldn't leave that relationship as a "loser" but every time I started "winning," we were suddenly getting along and I thought we could fix things. That also reminds me of my brother, come to think of it. I try to shield my partners from it, but I think I've mentioned that the common denominator in all of my dysfunctional relationships is me.

RE: my weekend, she's on board with my version of harm reduction. I was really surprised that she commended me a few weeks back on buying a Decoy Booze so I didn't get wasted on Upma Zoom night. I thought more about Fiona Apple's "Mistake." I feel like I have a Self-Destruction Timer in my head, so every so often I go from Numb: Patient Questing to Numb: Addict Desperation. We have physical anesthesia, why don't we have mental anesthesia? I guess that's sort of my anti-depressants, but it's not the same.

I think this SD Bomb was sped up by the crickets to posting about Symbism. I guess people thought I was joking when I talked about it before. I reminded myself as I talked that not getting early enthusiasm is not a bar, it just means I need to do more work. JJD asked if Leslie would be on Board, and her husband could offer reduced-cost vet visits or something. That's great, but there are rules about that sort of thing. But it does highlight something I hadn't thought about. SWoRN was just a bunch of crazy kids with an idea. I want to be more professional about this one. Already, I have a clear direction for how this will work within the existing system, where SWoRN kept ballooning and blurring what I wanted or needed it to be. I had a problem for every solution when I thought about it. Just provide people who DGAF if you're a sex worker, but that doesn't help if they can't afford it. Separately, I still like the idea of seriously interviewing sex workers, and I'd like to figure out a way to add a performance aspect, maybe via a dual podcast/Fans account? Anyway, I do also need to think more about the philosophy of Symbism. While it's pretty basic, people will want to see detailed micro and macro analysis and implications of it. I find Replies so much easier to expound on, obv, but I've got to start the conversation. Lorde knows I've talked to myself enough.

I drank some in the evening but never felt anything. I also cracked open some of the new carts, but same. I guess I'll have several cart varieties to cross off after this. I started a Volunteer Application with the Trevor Project, but halfway through paused that and sent a volunteer email to Animal Protection & Rescue League, the lobbying & legal animal rights organization, instead. If Symbism doesn't take off, I will have to be content with the good I can do living as a Symbist.