Grief the Grey

[thepnutgallery]

Lady Miss Friday woke me up around 3 or 4 but I couldn't figure out what she wanted. Even worse, I couldn't get back to sleep. I'd received a reply from Colleen, signing on to mineI finally did get up to make real coffee, but then I saw Houdini in his Strawberry. I'd been here before. Some things feel like a glitch in the Matrix. Some feel foretold. Healthily, I was really very complimented he decided to go in his Strawberry. I know he loved it and it felt very...like...home in bed surrounded by family. I almost looked around for his Tea Cozy. I thought about burying him out front in the spot by the mailboxes that Lady Miss Friday has been so intent on. Since she puts up with The Girls so well, I thought they could get to know each other spiritually. But then I remembered those apparently dickhead neighbors with the video cameras. I figured I could bury him tonight, and briefly wondered at being so comfortable spending the day with his corpse. Almost attached, really. Even though I try, I can't let go. Conversely, I worried that my not feeling the same violent, vicious, self-loathing as when Mousey died meant I didn't love Houdini enough. When I was young our great-grandma died and I was entirely unmoved. There was some concern from my folks and scorn from my brother over it, and I've often struggled with the "selfishness" of grief when I have felt it. They're dead, they don't care, so this is all performative.

I backed away from the crazy and focused on work. I get all the very logical, rational reasons that I'm not allowed to volunteer hours, but then I thought about the day trading (so to speak) that we eventually got to do before. As long as there was a manager in the office, we could sometimes work a holiday and trade in the day off later. Unfortunately, even though it would be easier to track us now, they won't let us since we're working remotely. Kathy offered to help with my workload, but even if I could effectively ration it, that's like 800 of my sore spots.

I'd been hunting in the back of my head all morning re: Colleen protecting me by keeping me ignorant and finally decided to just send her "Trouble Me" by 10k Maniacs. It effectively conveyed my dislike of being "protected" as such but emphasizes the cheery side of it. There are studies in behavioral psych that show focusing on positive reinforcement instead of positive punishment is far more effective. But then I thought maybe I should send her "Hold On To Me" by Valerie Broussard instead. Then I thought sending link after link would be spamming and *bothering.* I wrestled with that for a while, then just started a playlist of tracks so I could send several in one link. Checkmate, Anxiety(?)

We had our weekly meeting, but unfortunately I had both preoccupational and technical difficulties. Kept hopping back into the VPN to get more work done. I was at least there (both technologically and mentally) when the topic of the Reviewer Queue and what to do about staff attorneys haven't sent the Tag email in X amount of time. Someone brought up that it was no big deal to just send them a reminder email. I have what approaches a goddamn phobia of bothering people, and told them that. Lynelle signed on with her anxiety when she has to harass us with her weekly reports, and it was weird to be exposed to my own double standard since those reports *drastically* reduce my own anxiety over losing things in the cracks. Meta meta. My webcam wonked out at that point but when it wouldn't reconnect, I figured it was almost over anyway. It was not, but the connection didn't care. On my lunch, I thought I did a good job of balancing what work I can get away with and other pending needs.

Tim called. It was as suspected. They'd let him stay, but only if he paid his rent in full at the start of the month. On the plus side, due to my credit card's points program, I'll make $20 each month he makes all his payments for it. The lady at the marina said I was exceptionally kind but I didn't take the opportunity to proselytize since Symbism isn't official yet. I almost made enough progress to not worry about the 4 day weekend, but the last claim I worked on was a titan. I actually overshot my time by a few minutes, but I'm hoping they'll look the other way for such a minor infraction.

I tried again with my Herb-E and it was much more successful. Not, unfortunately, to the level I was looking for, but that doesn't exist and my stopgap goal of so stoned I don't recognize my own apartment is pretty high. I can at least smoke what I bought, and it gives me more options to tide me over on the Quest.

As the night sky took over I couldn't put off burying Houdini any longer. I couldn't sort out how I felt about it. And how I felt about needing or wanting substances for it. I didn't trust myself to do it after I got drunk. GHB's whispers started intensifying, so I made a deal with myself that I could buy wine at the store after I buried him. I thought about burying him in his Strawberry, but I knew I probably wouldn't be up to digging that deep a grave. In both life and death, male mice are very pungent, and I recognized the tang as soon as I moved his body. After I buried him, on my post notifying everyone that he'd passed, someone cheerfully queried whether he was really dead or just in a coma, therefore I'd just buried him alive. So...yay pungency.

I bought a handle of merlot, a few treat groceries, and I *FINALLY* remembered to buy pens. I credit Houdini. Went through a few cups, but didn't feel the desperate overlayer that usually comes with drinking. The desire to chug was there, but it wasn't desperate. Later in the evening, possibly after midnight, I went walkin' on FB and saw a post from Jesse that seemed suicidal. Late-night not really being an appropriate time to rationalize something like that, I hit him up. He's having difficulty receiving needed medical care because his doc is a dick. Looking back on it now (literally, since I largely forgot about it), I think I did an okay job of giving thoughtful advice despite my inebriation.