Affirmative Snowballs

[thepnutgallery]

Woke up at my usual time but was only a little tired. Took care of some things online and then Lady Miss Friday wanted attention. We ended up laying head-to-head for a blissful, timeless, interlude but then some sound outside shattered it. Since I had the energy and motivation, I popped over to Discount Tire to check my tires, then cancelled my appointment. In the end, I didn't have them check them, just refill them, and it was surprisingly casual and quick. I really don't know what I was expecting. Since it was still early, I stopped at Ralph's on the way home. I was maybe going to get me a treat while I was there, but they were out of both vegan sushi and "chicken" nuggets. They had handles of wine in the back for $6, and I was sorely tempted, but I put it off until the end of my trip. That fixed it, actually, as just the physical distance broke the spell and I wasn't nearly as tempted. I'm gonna think of alcohol like cookies, candy, and chocolate. Great, just not usually worth the calories. I also meant to get peanut butter but looked at the powdered PB and thought I should just make it using the powered PB I had at home. Except when I got home, I discovered I only had about 6 tablespoons left. And then when I tried to make just a small amount with that, I forgot the proportions.

I was debating getting stoned next to Lady Miss Friday or trying to push myself to do the online work I need to do when Tim called wanting me to visit, and I figured that would actually give me energy to work when I got back. I remembered a slice of cheese for Pupple and resisted the urge to literally just fill my pockets with treats. See, I'm totally normal! But I still took my pens with me. My sense of time is about as trustworthy as Trump, and I'd completely lost track of how long it had been since I'd seen Pupple. He actually started yelping with excitement as soon as he saw me. Fuck. I just realized my resistance to attachment, even with animals, probably stems directly from the 100 Years Custody War. I'm a little slow.

We walked Pupple, slowly and briefly, given Tim's leg, before he made us (real, caffeinated) coffee on his boat. There was a weird awkwardness in the conversation, like we both had news to share but had an obstacle. That's common when you haven't seen someone in a while, but I really wasn't expecting it with Tim. He asked about my Ancestry results and suggested I send a kit to Colleen. Somewhere in the back of my head, I thought I might have already told her I was going to, but couldn't tell for sure. But I fixed it, anyway. I felt like I should buy one for my mom and Tim, too, but opted to ration my spending.

We talked some about our respective statuses with Candace, and I mentioned how disappointed I was when I declared I was gonna follow her suggestion and try to be a pothead (even if I eternally search for a stronger high)...... And she Goal Shifted and said I should be sober. Tim compared it to bridging, which I guess is when heroin addicts go on methadone or similar as a stepping stone to sobriety. It's worth examining, at some point, the sheer terror that even the word "sobriety" invokes in me.

He talked some about the potential dangers of escapism and obsession. Essentially, you use whatever it is - drugs, video games, etc to get away from realiti. But either directly (as with many drugs) or indirectly (as with something like gambling addiction), realiti starts crumbling, so you escape more, so realiti gets worse, etc. He also talked some about the damage comics can do. We're raised seeing perfect people with perfect bodies perfectly solve very black and white issues. Call it a culture shock when you discover that's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

I talked some about my necklace and my mom. My mom was pretty obsessed with hunting down any secrets I kept. I think it was due to her anxiety over her status as my mom. But when she did find out a "secret," it was a coin toss whether she'd keep it quiet or sell me out to my dad ASAP. I told my parents I was going to get my ear pierced as soon as I turned 18 and certainly didn't hide it when I did. My mom noticed, stressed several times how important it was to hide it from my dad...and then I could literally hear her running up the stairs before my dad yelled for me.

Ben called, and even though I was still stoned, I think it was a good conversation. I told him about my intended religion, and about solving that first quarter-life crisis question. Sounds kind of like a fucked up gameshow when you put it that way. In short, having more allows you to give more, and for all that my strong suit is bottoming, I love giving. I ran Pupple back up the doc and around in the parking lot. It's the least I could do since I'm definitely not donating more manual labor on his boat. Yes, even after 2019. I had my usual problem here and I like....forgot how to run or something. Hurt both my ankles from landing on them incorrectly, but I trucked on and Pupple was happy.