Better Be What You Want

[thepnutgallery]

Woke up in the dark, eventually found my phone, but it occurred to me time was passing too slowly....in that I didn't see any time passing on my phone. I got clocked in fine despite the attempted technological snare, and dove in to work. I really miss when Monday was my day for eservice. It usually feels like I'm wandering through fog, even when I manage to stay fairly focused.

I was concerned, given my recent communication issues, that I wouldn't be able to meet with Candace, but the Zoom link worked find on my phone. It was a fairly enlightening session, discussing everything from methods to refrain from blacking out (i.e. a scorecard), to the more analytical queries figuring out what I'm like when blacked out and what exactly I'm desperate to numb from. Depression and ideation only get you so far when you're already taking the maximum dosage of antidepressants. On a more self-help note, she commented regarding my Eternal Hunt for the magic drug. There is no substance that will help until you fix yourself. Finally, she noted I don't have to believe I am good, sober, or rational to act like it.

I told Julian we could phone via Zoom, since my phone was being a dick for all other formats, but he'd given up trying to use Zoom. I found a phone that supposedly pays you to use it, much like the various apps out there do, and I can probably sell my current phone for $50, so I'm almost happy to put that hunt behind me for a while. Unfortunately, the insurance company is still trying to weasel out of paying me, asking how much I can claim post-July, waffling about rolling the amount over, etc. Yay that I didn't go on a spending spree or something any of the times they assured me the payment was going through or they were going to just refund the money.

I seem to have a new stray friend eating the cat food I put out, and of course I'm delighted, but I don't know if I finally ran out or just lost the Outside Cat Food. For now, I just refilled the bowl with Lady Miss Friday's. Sam asked to borrow $20, which of course was fine, but I wasn't up for even that much socializing. I do still want to set up mushroom lamps on my computer desk and next to my bed. I beat off before bed, but it felt like a chore.