Diagnosis and Treatment
Dec. 21st, 2020 06:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryGot up, put the coffee on, and dove in to work. It's absurd the level of luxury I feel by just prepping my coffee the night before, so I just click the On button in the morning. Absurd. More treading water - I managed to get another couple days worth of NOAs finished, mail processed, and almost all the claims tagged. But not quite.
I had my session with Candace, and she wants me to come up with "recovery hobbies." I don't actually remember what that means, but it seemed smart at the time. She approves of my getting back onto SMART Recovery. Even though other addicts have been very understanding with my cutting out G.... but not anything else, it would still feel weird for me to go to NA or other meetings. Imposter syndrome? Sort of? And I'm supposed to figure out what the landscape would look like without self loathing. I literally can't imagine.
A meme was going around where people post 15 musical artists, and you comment your favorite track. I loved it, but I thought too much about it, so wasn't able to post my own. FB memories told me I overshared for maybe the first time with the "X Probably Unknown Things" meme from 2013. I was trying to remember them a few weeks ago. The good news is my speech patterns have changed very little in the last 7 years.
"I'm a wee bit late, but I got 8.
1) I've never done one of these "comment, then re-post!" things before...I still haven't, but then Kristen Napier was all sneaky ninja and gave numbers just for Liking the post. Sneaky. Ninja. I like this meme, though, and I've enjoyed reading otherwise unknown details of my friends.
2) I don't think it really warrants a number, but people are still constantly surprised that I'm vegan. I've been vegan for over 10 years (and was vegetarian 5 years before that), even if I'm a terrible vegan who used to eat pasta & ketchup.
3) I haven't seen a movie in the theatres since Brokeback Mountain. I really can't remember the last movie that I watched all the way through.
4) Despite that, I can (and do) listen to the same song on repeat for literally days and even weeks on end without ever getting tired of it. IT'S SO GOOD.
5) I have an addictive/obsessive personality (see above...and below, I suppose). If one is good, surely 10 is 10 times as good, right? Put another way, "one is too many, a thousand is not enough."
Trigger warning?
6) I often think about suffering, in an interjectional way. At every imaginable moment in the day I've been unable to escape the idea of Holocaust surgeries, Darfur, genocide, Inquisition tortures, serial killers, Vucko, dogs in Romania & Iran etc. etc.
7) I have a fear of people (and partners) next to me transforming into monsters, to point where I often can't sleep next to them. This dates back quite a ways, as my childhood stuffed animals frequently had to sleep on the other side of the bed. I occasionally wonder if people close to me aren't serial killers waiting for me to let my guard down. This almost never applies to real animals.
8) My feet were deformed. and curled under themselves when I was born. It's only because my wonderful parents insisted I wear horrible painful therapeutic shoes for years that I'm able to walk, much less dance. I mean, that and having an issue that could be fixed by shoes.
I'm absolutely not going to tell people to also do this. If you wanna do it, just roll a die and tell them I gave you that number."
Reading back, I felt bad at the time because I should have played along and "made" people do it. But now that I think again, they might well have done exactly what I suggested, and I'd never have known.
Tootie had taken Tim to his surgery in the morning, and I hadn't heard anything back. I did find his keys, so I figured he'd come back to snag them at some point. I should really have cleaned for Xmas, but didn't really have the energy. I finally got around to watching the Active Child video. I'd been listening for a few days, so...might as well. I'd seen in the comments previously that folks were confused about the plot. Someone said there was a body floating down the river in the beginning, but I never managed to see it. The video is fairly clear; some guy who was once a fishing champion dreams of past glory, tries to achieve it again and drowns. There's a part in the middle where he lets a fish go, though I'm not sure if it was because the fish was too small or something. I watched some Big Mouth, and Lady Miss Friday joined me for a bit, clearly enjoying having her apartment back, before summoning me to bed.
Around 9:30, I heard banging on my door, picked up pants so I wouldn't answer it naked...then answered the door just sort of holding them in front of my dick. Meh. It was Tootie dropping Tim off. I get it now. I crashed again, but overheard him talking on the phone. Something about the hierarchy in my apartment, and Lady Miss Friday coming first. That's fair...and obvious.
I had my session with Candace, and she wants me to come up with "recovery hobbies." I don't actually remember what that means, but it seemed smart at the time. She approves of my getting back onto SMART Recovery. Even though other addicts have been very understanding with my cutting out G.... but not anything else, it would still feel weird for me to go to NA or other meetings. Imposter syndrome? Sort of? And I'm supposed to figure out what the landscape would look like without self loathing. I literally can't imagine.
A meme was going around where people post 15 musical artists, and you comment your favorite track. I loved it, but I thought too much about it, so wasn't able to post my own. FB memories told me I overshared for maybe the first time with the "X Probably Unknown Things" meme from 2013. I was trying to remember them a few weeks ago. The good news is my speech patterns have changed very little in the last 7 years.
"I'm a wee bit late, but I got 8.
1) I've never done one of these "comment, then re-post!" things before...I still haven't, but then Kristen Napier was all sneaky ninja and gave numbers just for Liking the post. Sneaky. Ninja. I like this meme, though, and I've enjoyed reading otherwise unknown details of my friends.
2) I don't think it really warrants a number, but people are still constantly surprised that I'm vegan. I've been vegan for over 10 years (and was vegetarian 5 years before that), even if I'm a terrible vegan who used to eat pasta & ketchup.
3) I haven't seen a movie in the theatres since Brokeback Mountain. I really can't remember the last movie that I watched all the way through.
4) Despite that, I can (and do) listen to the same song on repeat for literally days and even weeks on end without ever getting tired of it. IT'S SO GOOD.
5) I have an addictive/obsessive personality (see above...and below, I suppose). If one is good, surely 10 is 10 times as good, right? Put another way, "one is too many, a thousand is not enough."
Trigger warning?
6) I often think about suffering, in an interjectional way. At every imaginable moment in the day I've been unable to escape the idea of Holocaust surgeries, Darfur, genocide, Inquisition tortures, serial killers, Vucko, dogs in Romania & Iran etc. etc.
7) I have a fear of people (and partners) next to me transforming into monsters, to point where I often can't sleep next to them. This dates back quite a ways, as my childhood stuffed animals frequently had to sleep on the other side of the bed. I occasionally wonder if people close to me aren't serial killers waiting for me to let my guard down. This almost never applies to real animals.
8) My feet were deformed. and curled under themselves when I was born. It's only because my wonderful parents insisted I wear horrible painful therapeutic shoes for years that I'm able to walk, much less dance. I mean, that and having an issue that could be fixed by shoes.
I'm absolutely not going to tell people to also do this. If you wanna do it, just roll a die and tell them I gave you that number."
Reading back, I felt bad at the time because I should have played along and "made" people do it. But now that I think again, they might well have done exactly what I suggested, and I'd never have known.
Tootie had taken Tim to his surgery in the morning, and I hadn't heard anything back. I did find his keys, so I figured he'd come back to snag them at some point. I should really have cleaned for Xmas, but didn't really have the energy. I finally got around to watching the Active Child video. I'd been listening for a few days, so...might as well. I'd seen in the comments previously that folks were confused about the plot. Someone said there was a body floating down the river in the beginning, but I never managed to see it. The video is fairly clear; some guy who was once a fishing champion dreams of past glory, tries to achieve it again and drowns. There's a part in the middle where he lets a fish go, though I'm not sure if it was because the fish was too small or something. I watched some Big Mouth, and Lady Miss Friday joined me for a bit, clearly enjoying having her apartment back, before summoning me to bed.
Around 9:30, I heard banging on my door, picked up pants so I wouldn't answer it naked...then answered the door just sort of holding them in front of my dick. Meh. It was Tootie dropping Tim off. I get it now. I crashed again, but overheard him talking on the phone. Something about the hierarchy in my apartment, and Lady Miss Friday coming first. That's fair...and obvious.
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