Ding Ding Ding
Jan. 4th, 2013 08:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryI don't wanna get all "MAH CHILHOODZ" here, but there's no real way around it, so just skip this entry if you're not down.
Woke up with my alarm. Hit snooze but didn't use it. Very tempted to stay in bed with Naked Tim. Actually, all of my food and everything was ready pretty early, so I tried to get him to go for an Encore Performance from the night before. No go, but do turn the heater on before you leave. Harrumph.
Work got really busy, really fast. But I sort of drifted through that. I was very very tired, having gone to bed and/or slept poorly all week long. I thought about going to the gym on my lunch break, but swung home instead. Right decision, as it gave me enough energy to get through the last of the day. A sort of perfect storm of enlightenment happened when I got back.
Around 4, someone on the PPK posted a general "relationships" thread, and included this gem: http://www.nature.com/scientificamericanmind/journal/v20/n1/full/scientificamericanmind0209-12a.html
I sent it to Chip, who posed the following hypo:
I responded that I'd be fine with it, but wouldn't trust my partner not to hook up with someone while away. We went back and forth for a bit, with him contending (based on nothing) that there's no difference between your partner enjoying an art collection and a night of hot sex. At some point, I uttered the magic words "I refuse to be deceived."
I don't know why it never occurred to me before, but this clicked a lot into place for me. During my dad's divorce, both he and Colleen frequently told me that the other side didn't really love me, they were just using me. I happen to think they both loved me *and* were using me, but that's neither here nor there.
This is, while completely understandable in the context of a vicious custody battle, also completely fucked up. This does a lot to explain my anxious attachment style, my jealousy, my trust issues, why I think people are going to turn into spiders when we embrace, why I spent the first 6 mo -1 year of my first relationship thinking he was maybe a serial killer who was just waiting for me to let my guard down. I don't have any solution for it, but knowing is half the battle, right GI Joe?
Norman and Scooter were coming over at 6:30. It was a really really great experience, except that Norman kept jacking poor Scooter off for a good 5 min after he came. Feeling somewhat protective of Scooter, and like I should be some kind of role model or something, I took charge and got Norman out of there. Scooter wanted to stick around, or go out, or something but I was out of mixers, almost out of vodka, and had the sex party to get to.
I texted Tim around 8:40; light stuff. He was a little under the weather, but had slept most of the day, and was still planning on going to the party. *sigh* Rested up for all of 5 min before heading over. Francisco and the sweet boy showed up, as did Joe Vers4now. Joe was a little obnoxious, but not as bad as Francisco, and it was almost worth it to have Joe shoot Francisco down. I rimmed and fucked Joe for a bit, but then the host tried to fuck me at the same time and I lost my hard on. I don't know what his obsession with that is. Joe came twice, very very quickly. Awwww, I get it now. The sweet boy came inside me again. Francisco asked for a ride home, even though I was putting my clothes on. Oh, alright. Mike was on his way, but was stuck at a train, and really didn't want to see Francisco either. The host fucked Francisco, even though he clearly wanted me (or maybe just anyone but Francisco?). Francisco, for his part, kept trying to talk to me while he was getting fucked. That is so incredibly rude to your partner. By all means, have a damn conversation, but don't start one that leaves out your damn partner. The druggie top arrived - Francisco asked him for a ride home, he declined, so we left.
Tim never showed, though I saw him online when I left. Logged off, went to sleep.
Woke up with my alarm. Hit snooze but didn't use it. Very tempted to stay in bed with Naked Tim. Actually, all of my food and everything was ready pretty early, so I tried to get him to go for an Encore Performance from the night before. No go, but do turn the heater on before you leave. Harrumph.
Work got really busy, really fast. But I sort of drifted through that. I was very very tired, having gone to bed and/or slept poorly all week long. I thought about going to the gym on my lunch break, but swung home instead. Right decision, as it gave me enough energy to get through the last of the day. A sort of perfect storm of enlightenment happened when I got back.
Around 4, someone on the PPK posted a general "relationships" thread, and included this gem: http://www.nature.com/scientificamericanmind/journal/v20/n1/full/scientificamericanmind0209-12a.html
I sent it to Chip, who posed the following hypo:
Curious: how would you feel in a relationship, if your partner left on a two week, non-sexual cruise with an old friend? Abandoned? Perhaps difficult to project that answer so maybe it's an unfair question.
I responded that I'd be fine with it, but wouldn't trust my partner not to hook up with someone while away. We went back and forth for a bit, with him contending (based on nothing) that there's no difference between your partner enjoying an art collection and a night of hot sex. At some point, I uttered the magic words "I refuse to be deceived."
I don't know why it never occurred to me before, but this clicked a lot into place for me. During my dad's divorce, both he and Colleen frequently told me that the other side didn't really love me, they were just using me. I happen to think they both loved me *and* were using me, but that's neither here nor there.
This is, while completely understandable in the context of a vicious custody battle, also completely fucked up. This does a lot to explain my anxious attachment style, my jealousy, my trust issues, why I think people are going to turn into spiders when we embrace, why I spent the first 6 mo -1 year of my first relationship thinking he was maybe a serial killer who was just waiting for me to let my guard down. I don't have any solution for it, but knowing is half the battle, right GI Joe?
Norman and Scooter were coming over at 6:30. It was a really really great experience, except that Norman kept jacking poor Scooter off for a good 5 min after he came. Feeling somewhat protective of Scooter, and like I should be some kind of role model or something, I took charge and got Norman out of there. Scooter wanted to stick around, or go out, or something but I was out of mixers, almost out of vodka, and had the sex party to get to.
I texted Tim around 8:40; light stuff. He was a little under the weather, but had slept most of the day, and was still planning on going to the party. *sigh* Rested up for all of 5 min before heading over. Francisco and the sweet boy showed up, as did Joe Vers4now. Joe was a little obnoxious, but not as bad as Francisco, and it was almost worth it to have Joe shoot Francisco down. I rimmed and fucked Joe for a bit, but then the host tried to fuck me at the same time and I lost my hard on. I don't know what his obsession with that is. Joe came twice, very very quickly. Awwww, I get it now. The sweet boy came inside me again. Francisco asked for a ride home, even though I was putting my clothes on. Oh, alright. Mike was on his way, but was stuck at a train, and really didn't want to see Francisco either. The host fucked Francisco, even though he clearly wanted me (or maybe just anyone but Francisco?). Francisco, for his part, kept trying to talk to me while he was getting fucked. That is so incredibly rude to your partner. By all means, have a damn conversation, but don't start one that leaves out your damn partner. The druggie top arrived - Francisco asked him for a ride home, he declined, so we left.
Tim never showed, though I saw him online when I left. Logged off, went to sleep.
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