DOFL...or Not

[thepnutgallery]

Woke up around 5, gave Matt a BJ, headed home. Kind of impressive for me to have slept that long. I've "slept over" twice before, so maybe I'm getting more comfortable in his bed, or maybe I just really needed company. Wasn't really tired when I got home, so I putzed about online for a little while. Looked up gay bars in Amsterdam, chatted with boys. Took a nap, went to the gym. Remembered my headphones this time, and had a much, MUCH better workout. Not so good that I didn't still want to crawl into a bottle, but at least I wasn't thinking about lighters and scalpels and stuff.

Tim came by in the afternoon. We talked more about us, about dogs, about this whole Will thing, and about what it means for something to be "in the past." I'd had a drink already, and was on my second one, so the specifics of the conversation are sort of lost on me. He did mention a study that was done - researchers gave people either 4 or 8 things to remember, and then offered them a tray with chocolate cake and fruit on it. Everyone with 8 things took chocolate cake. Tim hits a certain level of stress, and starts looking for chocolate cake. I have no problem with this; everyone loves chocolate cake. I just wanted to not have him eat the whole cake I had brought for us when my back was turned. At the same time, I'm not mad at him, I'm just frustrated that it happened.

We also discussed our relationship; I'm not sorry it ended. I love being a whore single. I couldn't enjoy Woody and his partner, or the cruise, or this upcoming trip to Amsterdam if I had a partner who wasn't there eating the cake with me. I do wish Tim had ended things sooner; had said "hey, I can't do this. I want some cake all to myself sometimes, without you." I wouldn't have liked it, but I would have understood, and I wouldn't feel so conflicted about him now. We both agreed that we have a ridiculously strong emotional connection. I'm wondering if this is how folks end up in those non-sexual long term open relationships?

He left for school. I drank more. I was supposed to take Nina out dancing, and got invited out by a couple other people as well, but all I felt like doing was getting drunk and passing out. I thought he might come by after school, but I can't imagine he wanted to see me squeaked