Caged Rage

I laid with Lady Miss Friday until 7am exactly. I felt pretty empty. Juno was waiting for me as usual, I saw bowls on the floor, so Julian must have fed them last night. No luck on the strays - that bowl was still inside. They don't come by every night, so they might not have missed anything. Julian left the food for his kids out in a storage container on the counter, but I figure that's probably fine? It's canned, I'm sure loaded with preservatives, it's cold at night...I don't know. They seemed no less eager. I almost forgot Juno's insulin. Clearly not thinking clearly. Similarly, it took me a moment to remember to take care of NOAs. Just a few of them. Even with the system updates, it's much easier with two screens. One of these days, I'll clean off my desk and maybe add a second monitor at home? No clue. I tried to set up my new phone, but found the text messages - including that last one I sent to Julian - did not transfer over. I want records.

When I went out for tea in the afternoon, Julian asked to talk. Said he hadn't looked at his phone. I resisted - I felt like it would blow up - but I eventually relented. He lied, of course. He showed me the text messages from the guy, but I went into his Grindr and saw the previous messages there. It was exactly my suspicion. Chatted on Grindr, only included me when the guy couldn't host, and he declined my company for drinks in advance. Since I was in his Grindr, I also got to see the guy lauding the sex with him and without me. Even faced with the lie, he kept insisting he did everything right. I went back to Lady Miss Friday's room. I really wanted booze, drugs, or almost anything to numb me, but felt limited. Trapped. Lady Miss Friday slept physically against my leg, so I stayed with her instead of buying more vodka. Nauseatingly, I was constantly tempted to talk to Julian, to make nice, to pretend everything was okay. I took sleeping pills early. Nothing else to do.

I've spent a lot of time with my jealousy, and we know each other pretty well at this point. The two things that disappoint me are that my partner doesn't want me and tries to fool me. The sex is a minor detail. Julian didn't want me there and I left. I don't think I should have to fight to be included.