Contagious Compassion

Another uncomfortably early morning, and I couldn't even find my OTC sleeping pills. I took several melatonin, but it was futile. My body's a jerk. Due to my phobia of bothering people, I didn't text Tim until 8. He immediately called me, I immediately agreed to come down and walk Pupple, since he was having actual vaccine side effects. I immediately got a nosebleed. Worthless Fucking Body. I updated the rent spreadsheet the other day, and they're just over 3k behind. I mentioned the possibility of starting a GFM for it, obviously after I get out of FB Jail, and he asked for time to think about how he wants to handle that. Fair enough.

When I got there, of course I tried to get into the gate sans fob. The first folk looked at me like I was mugging them, I eventually got in, then Tim told me he'd moved his death bed to his car in the parking lot. I didn't give Pupple his cheese, bc I wanted to give it to him at the end to mollify his abandonment issues, but it was fine. I walked him, though he just barked at an Under-Auto Kitten, pissed on a rock, then wanted to go back to Tim. I understand abandonment issues and I'm a goddamn enabler by nature, so I obviously do whatever any of my furkids want, unless it's harmful on its face. Tim figured out that Pupple wanted to go to the park, so we drove over there. Walked him for a while, even though he was a dick to most other dogs he saw, and I don't know about you, but literally just walking Pupple so he can sniff literally anything for literally as long as he wants is always magical. Magical enough to get me to walk him, since I loathe walking. Knowing that Tim's ability to do so has decreased proportionally to Pupple's desire has only increased my patience. Pupple found a particularly fun patch of grass, rolled around on it for about 10 minutes, then stretched out on top of it. Guess we're taking a break. Tim said he was going to kidnap me to go to Starbucks, but I successfully, if tardily, declined. I had ducks to feed and a cat to get back to. Plus like... Work and stuff. There weren't many birds out, but I went to the usual spot and the usual coot crowd was very happy. They liked the peas more than the carrots. Just a note for later. Bonus, some little boy picnicking with his folks decided to get peanuts from them and join me. I'm there for the featherkids, if other humans pick up the habit, awesome.

I really did not want to fight dickheads on the 163 again, mostly due to the effort it would take to get all the way over so I could block them, so I just took the 6th Ave option. I was just getting settled in and focusing on my List when JJD asked me about scheduling therapy. I decided texting him would be unwise, so I called instead. And poured a drink. We talked about absolutely everything. We discussed our feelings on the other paralegals, the selfish delight that we'd look better without competition, the odd emotional distance from the physical distance of the hallway, and where we stand now. Neither of us want to go back to the office, though I've been far louder than he about it, but he thought maybe there was something in our contract with the State that required us to be in the office. I guess it's possible, if dystopian, that an organization responsible for contracting out work to external forces would be required to keep their employees on site. I sent him the info to get generic Viagra a few years ago, and he thanked me profusely because about how amazing it is to fuck without performance anxiety. Absomotherfuckinglutely. That's one of the reasons I primarily bottom. I can and have bottomed for crowds of strangers. Many times. My dick takes *a lot* of work to get it to work until I start to...."trust" doesn't feel like the right word, but it'll do for now. I've gotten to the point right now where if I can eat ass, I can top, but I've had many times where I've continually swapped eating and fucking because I'd go soft while fucking. And it's why I love Trimex. To just not have to think about it (especially for work) was phenomenal. I asked him if he had anything like rimming, and he'd never even thought of it before. I'd been telling him for a while to start journaling, but he was worried about not posting regularly. I reminded him that there's no frequency requirements, and cited my own spectrum-spanning online community, despite its very small population. I advised him to just pick a journal name (or purchase a physical journal, if he wanted to go that path) with no need or expectation of himself to even start actually journaling tonight. He also thanked me for Candace, though he was a little shocked when I said she's the best therapist I've ever seen. Maybe just the most compatible with me, but that's synonymous. And I talked about how much more I'm able to get out of therapy due to my journal. We did eventually discuss the timing for therapy, and my belief that ADI DGAF as long as the work gets done, despite the discordant note of Kathy's Big Brotherish email from the other week. What started as a quick note that I wanted to make sure had no possible paper trail (sure, paranoia, trust issues, vulnerability phobia but also, luck favors the prepared) had turned into a two-hour wandering discussion and I'd started drinking.

After we hung up, Tim messaged me that he wanted to go back to paying his rent directly and repay the debt over a couple months. Even drunk and stoned, that seemed an ill-advised, guilt-addled move. If he ended up behind like before (and currently), they might not let us switch back to this, and he can't get in to another marina until his boats are better. He was going to try to get completely caught up this month then revisit it with me, but the chances of him making 5k over the next two weeks are fairly slim. Instead, I suggested he just focus on trying not to fall any further behind, and if there's extra, pay it down.

I still had to do my work for Julian, so I started drafting a declaration for his UI appeal and looked up the steps to take for the car. I might've been able to do more, but I have more than enough on my plate atm, so I just sent him who to report it to out there. Now that I think of it, giving him little things to do to help himself will reinforce the behavior of him doing things himself. Baby steps.