Everything's Going So Well!

I took another half pill when I woke up, but if it hit at all, it wasn't for another four hours. Since the spirit was very willing, but the flesh very weak when I tried to get back to sleep, I looked into Seroquel tolerance and alternate prescriptions, hoping to figure out how long a break I need to take and what else to take in the meantime. Since GHB is not an option. Lots and lots of articles discussing why Seroquel is ill-suited to treat insomnia - tolerance, side effects, etc., but obviously the big one is tolerance. Lots and lots of articles advising people to just make sure they weren't in bed unless it was for sex or sleep, avoid caffeine in the PM, and make sure there were no noises or lights. Fucking duh. For those of us with actual chronic insomnia, they recommended Lunesta (I seem to recall trying that once, but it not working), Ambien (apparently really fun to fuck on!...just before you fall asleep), and Belsomra (side effects include ineffectiveness, night terrors, and ideation. Let's not.) I also had that weird nausea or something, though I managed not to vomit. Couldn't possibly be morning sickness - I'm more celibate now than I've been in years!

I was struggling with how to structure my day, whether to try to feed ducks before Tim's second vaccine shot or focus on the Benoit when Tim called. He was jokingly furious that I didn't seem to have any side effects. FWIW, I'm also livid I didn't have at least one of them - drowsiness. I replied faking symptoms, including saying the word "cough!" I love that brand of humor. Julian also called, presumably about the stimulus check he'd received. I was making tea, and I'd just updated my voicemail to discourage folks from calling, so I didn't rush back. I plugged my smaller headphones under my music ones because I'm goal oriented and wanted to call him back while working on the Benoit and listening to Blue Ridge Mountains on repeat. He didn't answer, so I just replied via text, which he also didn't answer.

It was like, the most ridiculously productive day. I got the panel attorney's declaration done, the case history done, took breaks to spend time with Lady Miss Friday, and vacuumed the apartment and cleaned out Mouse Kingdom. And saw all 3 of The Girls (a nagging paranoia, since I hadn't seen Fauna in a while), then gave Flora some Yogi treats. She sniffed and attacked me, and I considered changing her name to Bitey, a la The Simpsons. I'd put off vacuuming in the morning because Lady Miss Friday was sleeping, and even after she was more active, she freaked out about it. I'm guessing she was scarred by the volume when it was fucked up, which adds value to Tim's cleaning it. And is why I bought the fucking thing in the first place; so it wouldn't give her fucking 'Nam flashbacks when I have to clean. I. Will. Not. Have. It. She calmed down as the repaired, significantly quieter, vacuum made its way around the house. Didn't even leave the bed when I vacuumed her room. I feel like filth has weight. Tim has touched on this, but like, when my depression starts getting bad, the state of my already shabby hovel gets worse, and it's self-fulfilling. Being depressed makes you not clean, and living in squalor makes you more depressed. Even if you have Hobo Standards, like me.

Tim called again, and was equally ambivalent about inviting Colleen to the Game Night with Julian, both due to the simple number of folks who might attend, and Julian's temper. My alliance with Colleen is pretty important to me, so I'd be able to put her first, set boundaries, and assert structure for it if things started going wrong. Assuming, of course, I wasn't black out drunk by then. That could get messy. Literally. At Tim's suggestion, I checked in with both Patrick and Julian re: vaccinations. No word from Julian, but Patrick is going through some similar psych ish as I am, and already had Covid. Said it was like seroconverting again, and at one point, he wished for death. I am not happy that we don't have a social network or similar to check up on each other more regularly. That a huge reason I've kept one for this long - it helps me keep tabs on folks who I otherwise wouldn't know if they lived or died.