Oh, Squeak

I decided a few days ago that I want that on my tombstone. And then I immediately forgot it, and then asked Tim, and then forgot it again. Oh, Squeak.

I finally got my webcam working for our Zoom meeting, happened to catch a comment about Dave listening to Brian Eno, so took that opportunity to pass on what I learned from The Chrys. One of my favorite songs from the *stellar* film "Velvet Goldmine" - Baby's on Fire, is a Brian Eno song. The cover by Jonathan Rhys Myers is fairly faithful to it, really. Options to get a chatty, happy Squeak: 1) talk about music 2) talk about happy animals. There was less focus on our lives outside of work, everyone made sure to still include it. I mentioned a bit about the protests, but I think everyone in the office except maybe Leslie is...more Center than me.

I felt like a vampire hunter finding a nest. Apparently Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's page gets a ton of what I learned are trolls. In less than five minutes, the first person I reached out to reminded me that while it's nice to dismember arguments piece by piece, it's so much more satisfying in the bigger picture to peel back that thin veneer of rationality and expose the crazy underneath to the viewing audience.

Brandon from Iowa texted me in the afternoon. He found a mouse. It had been stepped on, or chewed on or something, but didn't fuck it up that badly, and he's taking care of it. Obv, I offered to buy him anything he needed, send money for a vet, whatever. But inside I was so fucking happy that I could influence that kind of reaction for someone. I don't wanna go into "reasons for living" right now, because I don't wanna, but no matter what, I'm delighted I could make some live less shitty.

Spent most of the day listening to "Icarus" by White Hinterland....shortly after realizing Icarus was the song name, not the band name. I'm a little slow. My Imperfect Foods box arrived, and I was in anti-confrontation mode enough that I had to psych myself up for several hours before I could text Tim. He initially was nonplussed, but did visit later.

He was still nonplussed about the Imperfect Foods. Just sort of...told me to eat more vegetables. I'm self destructive and....whatever this fuckup is, to not eat anything in the box. I bought it because Tim wanted me to, under the premise that he would cook whatever he wanted to eat with it, and I'd eat it because IDGAF what (vegan) thing I eat.

I finally mentioned to him that my therapist quit, we talked some about issues. I'm gonna be a mess when Houdini dies, and while my history of surviving bouts with suicide is 100% so far, I'm less sure about winning after Lady Miss Friday dies. And I already don't want to.

Somehow, we got onto the topic of Jared. While I'm sympathetic that he's the result of trauma, that explains, but does not forgive his malicious attempts to hurt everyone around him. Abuse runs in cycles, and noting that a current abuser was themselves abused is not a defense. I'm still on the battlefield with him, and I have no plans to exit stage left any time soon.