Kratom, Ser Mareas, Murder Hornets

Tired, of course, but managed to get clocked in, made coffee, and stayed productive for the morning. We got a backlog of hard mail in, but even with the workload shifting, mine wasn't that bad. We had our weekly meeting, so I at least put on a shirt, just like all the cartoons.

The support group for Gabe sent out a Google doc to sort of track the issues, the resources, the plan, etc.. Apparently he's been using both meth and something called Kratom, which I guess is some sort of legal opiod or something. Obviously, I looked it up and weighed trying it. On the one hand, I got out of my last heavy addiction relatively lightly, so probably shouldn't be tempting fate with another substance. On the other, it's not like I'm sober right now anyway, so if I can find something to swap out some or all my booze with...I'm digging weed, but it's so hard to get high.

I finally managed to read all the test results and messages I kept getting yesterday from My Scripps...apparently there's some evidence of damage to some lobe that could have caused the seizures. So that whole "Got out Light!" thing keeps shifting. Yeah, it all could have been so much worse, but....I made a video appointment with the neurologist for tomorrow.

Ran some errands on my lunch break...was just going to wait for TJ's so I could get some "meatballs," but I stopped at the bank and deposited my last check from Disability, and there just wasn't enough time. I darted in to Ralph's...also out of tofu and fake meats, but at least I managed to get lettuce and creamer. I'll need to swing up to Ranch 99 at some point, I think. They should at least have tofu in stock.

After lunch I worked more....and ultimately did buy some Kratom. Is this common for addicts? I know cross addiction is rampant, but I tend to think of that as far more subtle and subconscious. My past "addictions" have included cutting, sex, purging, alcohol, and obviously GHB, though I only ever thought of booze and drugs. Am I just shoving my hand back into the fire here?

I noticed on Youtube that I had some Notifications. I'm pretty terrible at keeping up with that everywhere but Facebook. Apparently a few weeks ago I commented on Ser Mareas' video "Exit Strategy," to let him know I was a fan, and he commented "thank you." Ser Mareas is a boy I had a massive crush on in high school. At some point a long time ago, I looked him up and found out he had done a solo musical project in New York. I fell madly in love with the song "Exit Strategy," and thank Gawd everyone I shared it with agreed. I was concerned that my attraction might be influencing my taste. I have no idea what I did 3 weeks ago, except probably drink a lot, that might have made that happen.

Ryan set up a Zoom Happy Hour in the afternoon, and even though my speaker is still fucked, I joined in. I had to tap out when someone started talking about seeing a video of Murder Hornets killing a rat. I just...can't with that. I was surprised that both Ethan and Ryan messaged me later to apologize. To make matters worse, though, just hearing about it reminded me of the video someone took a long time ago of some predatory bird eating a live cat on a fence.

Tim called, I explained about the brain damage, and he explained he'd actually noticed personality differences, though I couldn't get many details.