Kick Me While I'm Down, I'll Still Bite Your Leg

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Wednesday June 11– Feeling significantly better, though still no appetite. Had a Clif bar during the day, and then we went to counseling. I didn't say much, hoping that Ken would pick up the slack, and he spoke a little more. I guess we're in a really good place. He asked, on the walk home, why I was so quiet, and I told him I was tired of feeling like I was doing all the talking. We talked about it for a little while, and ended up back at his getting pissed the other week about my telling Robert that we were fighting. Blah blah blah he's a private person, and the compromise is for me to think about it whenever I'm about to tell anyone anything, and ask myself if Ken would be okay with telling them that. No. I didn't want to fight, so I stopped, and suggested a couple different things for dinner. Ken wasn't stopping, and even after the brief pause of going into our room, kept digging, and paused again in the kitchen, only to start back up again. He was in a bad mood, and admitted as much. I told the boys they probably shouldn't come over. He went to Betty's, and came back rather tipsy a little while later, but not before I ate 3 Clif bars. It STARTED good, but it usually does. He went on and on about how incredibly hurtful I am, how I'm so consumed with being right, I'm incapable of holding any kind of conversation, and he's felt that way since the beginning of the relationship. I don't happen to recall it anymore, but he said something that was a little hurtful, and I told him so, and he just said he was glad it hurt. Also queried if I was sticking in the relationship to punish him, me, or both. Eventually, we left it at just I need to tell him when I'm happy in the relationship – not do nice/sweet things, just say “I'm happy in the relationship.” Whatever you say. My tummy started feeling a little grumbly before bed, and I took a Tylenol PM before going to sleep, which did absolutely no good. I spent the rest of the night having to get up every 20 min or so to use the bathroom. A little after 4am, I e-mailed Marisa to let her know I wouldn't be coming in again, because I'd be useless. Finally got to real sleep around 6.