Murphy's Fuckery
Jul. 2nd, 2021 03:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryI figured I'd work on eservice in the time I'd normally take downloading it, but my password expired for the Remote Connection and I couldn't get in to change it. Leilani gave me a password to use...and then my entire internet dropped. I texted JJD. He'd sent me a text late last night asking if I was okay. Turns out not so much, but I have responsibilities. He had NOAs today, but Kris finished eservice. Tim called, and since I was locked out of the internet anyway, I took the call. He's considering an AirBnB up in Julian to get away from the fireworks. I put it out to FB, just in case. I rambled on about everything that happened this week, my frustrations, and my fears. True to form, I've been trying to do it all myself, and going insane when things outside of my control happen, or worse, something I thought was under control demonstrates otherwise. Julian could be more supportive, but that would require me to allow that to happen. My internet popped back up just in time for the weekly meeting and I hesitated on whether to still go. I did, of course, because I love my work. Occasionally too much. While I would never put on a happy face, I think I did an okay job messaging from within the fortress. Lots of talk on claims metrics and how to improve them. I'm putting off the idea that JFC we're light years ahead at this point, the very idea that we would need to prove anything is insulting, and just focusing on turning my workaholism into something productive. Since we have to take Monday off, I tried again to get all the eservice done for everyone, and again did not succeed. It's fine, it's not zero sum. On my lunch, I noticed Lady Miss Friday was under the bed, so I took the opportunity to vacuum. Julian's kids were not wild about the vacuum, but they just eventually moseyed out of the way instead of scrambling, panic-stricken. It was mostly just fur and cat litter. I heard Flora moving around in Mouse Kingdom but couldn't get a clear view of her. And I wasn't sure I could handle it if I did. I considered finding euthanizing poison. I have no idea what's going on. I did find some that's supposed to be humane. It somehow shuts off whatever biological signal for "thirst" there is, they die of kidney failure and mummify from the inside out. How are there no just..mega sleeping pills yet? Really, for all species. Aren't there pharmaceuticals where if you take too much you just got to sleep and never wake up? No, not really. Possibly Nembutal (pentobarbital sodium) ingestion. That might be awkward to have around.
I found some possible research chemicals to sub in with weed but couldn't find an affordable site for them. Still hunting. Tim called and was quite upset at the search. I'll admit the search became a touch fervent, but I kept my Guard Guidelines in mine. Effective, affordable, *safe.* And part of safe is not highly addictive, because I've got that covered. That one's actually somewhat negotiable, since weed is apparently considered highly addictive. Bassically, I'm just looking to BlueLight, Erowid, etc. to clear them. He asked the same thing Candace asked - what am I looking for from them? My highs to be higher still and my walls to be buffered so thick I can forget I exist. And the literally unfathomable amount of suffering happening in the world at absolutely any given second, 24 hours/day, 365 days/year. He's frustrated with my depression, but trying to be understanding. He's commented many times on how awkward it is that I adopt feeder mice when I'm so very bad at grief. FWIW, I think I manage grief okay, it's when Grief tags in Guilt that I'm fucked. There are enough oddities about Merryweather's death that I'm having an easier time coping than I would otherwise, but many of those I feel it would be unwise to investigate too deeply. Julian came home late - 9 hours on his first day! He said they wanted him to stay longer, and I translated that he wanted to stop. Understandable, going from job seeking to full time can be tough. There was some odd time-juggling with just slightly overlapping calls from his mom. My MIL, technically. More time with Lady Miss Friday. Tim had gone to Alan's, then said he'd stop by on his way back so I could see Pupple and give him cheese, and then we'd take him for a walk because he wanted to talk to me. Julian checked the mail while he was out and he'd received his State tax refunds! $400! I congratulated him, but then things got strange. He mentioned he couldn't deposit them because the bank's scan feature didn't work and he obviously couldn't cash them there in person. I mentioned he could probably start an account at Navy Fed Cred, but he shot that down because he has like...a blood feud with them or something. Same with Chase, and then he complained that closing his account in AR would hurt his credit. There's no need to close it, but I guess if he doesn't pay the 5$/yearly, they'll close it. He should doubly close it, then, because your bank shouldn't be charging you money to hold and use your money. I know Christina tries to live by the motto that it's better to be kind than right, but I definitely do not. I'd prefer to be both, but if I can only be one, I'll be right. I've taken very, very very, occasional Mutes to spare people, and I guess that's kind of what I ended up doing? It's his money to throw away....but that much more money he needs from me. He was anxious about my going with Tim and what we were going to say, but we shined a light and banished the shadows. Not that they couldn't return, but I never say anything about him to others that I wouldn't say directly to him. He knows my journal, he can read up any time he wants.
Pupple cried with joy when he saw me, I sat down on the sidewalk and held him for a bit before giving him cheese and accompanying Tim for his walk. Tim largely explained Julian's odd outburst over banking with arrested development, and he'd previously mentioned that Julian is likely raising his furkids the same way he was raised. I really hope I am not doing the same to Lady Miss Friday. All of my parents tried, but the path started caving in behind them, so baser instincts kicked in. Maybe? Tim also mentioned again that Julian should drop booze and pursue some type of recovery as well. And should at least make sure Terry doesn't take him down with him. I'm actually hoping that just not having us around for the 3 weynable, Terry will stop killing himself with booze. We talked about Julian's new job and all the collateral benefits it will have. It's one of the reasons people new to retirement can struggle - self-motivation can be hard to come by.
Julian was maybe in the back smoking or something when I got home, so...LMF. When he came back, he apologized for his outburst earlier, said he felt like Tim was stealing his thunder. Someone before noted his insecurity regarding Tim, and I guess I can understand where he's coming from. Or I could, if Being Squeak's Ex was a contest. Or maybe Being Eric's Ex, so the acronym would be BEE. Emotions are rarely rational. Gizmo climbed on top of Mouse Kingdom to watch Flora. Julian had shooed him away earlier, but Flora was never big on leaving Mouse Kingdom to begin with, and it's not like Gizmo can open the doors. I walked over later and dropped Yogi treats around for her, then again right in front of her when she was in the permatunnels I bought. I'm freaking out about her and coping by giving her as many treats as she could possibly want. Julian mentioned he feels terrible for Lady Miss Friday, being cooped up in her room 24/7. That's one of the things I'm conflicted about. Ultimately, I think it would be best to rehome his kids. They need far more than Julian is prepared to give. That's a very delicate thing to suggest, much less cope with, and would be especially difficult the night of his first day on the job. Later. And if Lady Miss Friday magically decides she's friends while we figure it out, that's also fine. If she got along with them, I could provide the additional care they need. I saw Leeper had called me. He'd also commented on my status notifying everyone of Merryweather's death, suggesting I reach out to friends. His message just said he was hoping to hear my voice. I figured that was probably pretext to check on me, but it worked anyway. When I posted, I thought it was relatively neutral notice, but I can see where asking for drug recommendations could be upsetting. We kept it light, just discussing the upcoming projects I intend to undertake and his status at his current COO job. Most of what he said I didn't understand, but I tried to follow along and at least give fitting responses. Julian needed me for something, so we left off. He was trying to get Kujo to eat his canned food so Juno didn't eat both, but I advised him to just put it in the fridge. We listened to music for a bit, and he commented that I have an aversion to loud noises. I've heard that before, and it's true. There's definitely more there, because I used to try to piss just above the waterline so it wouldn't make any noise, and I'd plug my ears when I flushed. I listen to music at about 5% volume. I dunno, for all my fangs & venom, I'm still a prey creature. It was almost 11, but Julian opted to stay up.
I found some possible research chemicals to sub in with weed but couldn't find an affordable site for them. Still hunting. Tim called and was quite upset at the search. I'll admit the search became a touch fervent, but I kept my Guard Guidelines in mine. Effective, affordable, *safe.* And part of safe is not highly addictive, because I've got that covered. That one's actually somewhat negotiable, since weed is apparently considered highly addictive. Bassically, I'm just looking to BlueLight, Erowid, etc. to clear them. He asked the same thing Candace asked - what am I looking for from them? My highs to be higher still and my walls to be buffered so thick I can forget I exist. And the literally unfathomable amount of suffering happening in the world at absolutely any given second, 24 hours/day, 365 days/year. He's frustrated with my depression, but trying to be understanding. He's commented many times on how awkward it is that I adopt feeder mice when I'm so very bad at grief. FWIW, I think I manage grief okay, it's when Grief tags in Guilt that I'm fucked. There are enough oddities about Merryweather's death that I'm having an easier time coping than I would otherwise, but many of those I feel it would be unwise to investigate too deeply. Julian came home late - 9 hours on his first day! He said they wanted him to stay longer, and I translated that he wanted to stop. Understandable, going from job seeking to full time can be tough. There was some odd time-juggling with just slightly overlapping calls from his mom. My MIL, technically. More time with Lady Miss Friday. Tim had gone to Alan's, then said he'd stop by on his way back so I could see Pupple and give him cheese, and then we'd take him for a walk because he wanted to talk to me. Julian checked the mail while he was out and he'd received his State tax refunds! $400! I congratulated him, but then things got strange. He mentioned he couldn't deposit them because the bank's scan feature didn't work and he obviously couldn't cash them there in person. I mentioned he could probably start an account at Navy Fed Cred, but he shot that down because he has like...a blood feud with them or something. Same with Chase, and then he complained that closing his account in AR would hurt his credit. There's no need to close it, but I guess if he doesn't pay the 5$/yearly, they'll close it. He should doubly close it, then, because your bank shouldn't be charging you money to hold and use your money. I know Christina tries to live by the motto that it's better to be kind than right, but I definitely do not. I'd prefer to be both, but if I can only be one, I'll be right. I've taken very, very very, occasional Mutes to spare people, and I guess that's kind of what I ended up doing? It's his money to throw away....but that much more money he needs from me. He was anxious about my going with Tim and what we were going to say, but we shined a light and banished the shadows. Not that they couldn't return, but I never say anything about him to others that I wouldn't say directly to him. He knows my journal, he can read up any time he wants.
Pupple cried with joy when he saw me, I sat down on the sidewalk and held him for a bit before giving him cheese and accompanying Tim for his walk. Tim largely explained Julian's odd outburst over banking with arrested development, and he'd previously mentioned that Julian is likely raising his furkids the same way he was raised. I really hope I am not doing the same to Lady Miss Friday. All of my parents tried, but the path started caving in behind them, so baser instincts kicked in. Maybe? Tim also mentioned again that Julian should drop booze and pursue some type of recovery as well. And should at least make sure Terry doesn't take him down with him. I'm actually hoping that just not having us around for the 3 weynable, Terry will stop killing himself with booze. We talked about Julian's new job and all the collateral benefits it will have. It's one of the reasons people new to retirement can struggle - self-motivation can be hard to come by.
Julian was maybe in the back smoking or something when I got home, so...LMF. When he came back, he apologized for his outburst earlier, said he felt like Tim was stealing his thunder. Someone before noted his insecurity regarding Tim, and I guess I can understand where he's coming from. Or I could, if Being Squeak's Ex was a contest. Or maybe Being Eric's Ex, so the acronym would be BEE. Emotions are rarely rational. Gizmo climbed on top of Mouse Kingdom to watch Flora. Julian had shooed him away earlier, but Flora was never big on leaving Mouse Kingdom to begin with, and it's not like Gizmo can open the doors. I walked over later and dropped Yogi treats around for her, then again right in front of her when she was in the permatunnels I bought. I'm freaking out about her and coping by giving her as many treats as she could possibly want. Julian mentioned he feels terrible for Lady Miss Friday, being cooped up in her room 24/7. That's one of the things I'm conflicted about. Ultimately, I think it would be best to rehome his kids. They need far more than Julian is prepared to give. That's a very delicate thing to suggest, much less cope with, and would be especially difficult the night of his first day on the job. Later. And if Lady Miss Friday magically decides she's friends while we figure it out, that's also fine. If she got along with them, I could provide the additional care they need. I saw Leeper had called me. He'd also commented on my status notifying everyone of Merryweather's death, suggesting I reach out to friends. His message just said he was hoping to hear my voice. I figured that was probably pretext to check on me, but it worked anyway. When I posted, I thought it was relatively neutral notice, but I can see where asking for drug recommendations could be upsetting. We kept it light, just discussing the upcoming projects I intend to undertake and his status at his current COO job. Most of what he said I didn't understand, but I tried to follow along and at least give fitting responses. Julian needed me for something, so we left off. He was trying to get Kujo to eat his canned food so Juno didn't eat both, but I advised him to just put it in the fridge. We listened to music for a bit, and he commented that I have an aversion to loud noises. I've heard that before, and it's true. There's definitely more there, because I used to try to piss just above the waterline so it wouldn't make any noise, and I'd plug my ears when I flushed. I listen to music at about 5% volume. I dunno, for all my fangs & venom, I'm still a prey creature. It was almost 11, but Julian opted to stay up.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}