Run Over; Resolute
Apr. 6th, 2021 06:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryI have no clue what time I woke up. It was dark and I didn't fight it. On the one hand, fear of failure. On the other hand...I don't know, pick your battles? I will say I gave my GHB away in the nick of time. Even if I hadn't relapsed from hubris, I would probably have taken it to sleep. MOAR coffee. I was still exhausted all day, but that image of the electric skeleton seemed apt. I really need to find a suitably fantastic and/or cheap desk lamp. Or maybe I can just get dim bulbs for the existing standing lights? I spent time with Lady Miss Friday, played some video games, and got a reply from the nice folks at Sea Invaders. It might be a tiny bit crazy that I've moved all my recreational games to my old phone so I can keep my main phone constantly running the Current app and associated earning games, but not as crazy as buying a bunch of phones and accounts, and keeping them running constantly to earn money. See, I'm perfectly reasonable! I followed up on Aimee's resume, took the opportunity to send Kelly's cover of Dream On to FHA, and shortly thereafter received an email that she'd Messaged me. Aimee, not Kelly. Fortunately, we have other avenues for communication beyond FB. She sent her resume, but I had to get the Benoit done, first.
I kept getting bogged down in the procedural history. Kind of ironic, since that was my first assignment, but even with my notes, I couldn't figure out which case had which sentences, when they consolidated, or even which counts carried which sentence. Details, details. Destined death of me, details. I kept the Goal of the Benoit itself firmly in my mind, and decided to just come back to that, if there was time. Our meeting was at 3, so I had all day to finish my normal work and then work on the Benoit. Actually, if I hadn't had the Benoit I'd have finished all the eservice for everyone for tomorrow. I managed to get all of mine done, anyway. Since I don't want Carl to have nothing to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays, then *on* Tuesdays and Thursdays, after he's done eservice, I'll just try to do everything. I even showered on my lunch break! I just splashed some water on my face to try to wake up, then figured a shower would help more.
The Benoit meeting was mostly about Scotch, pets, guilt and grief. She has a similar anxious hindsight, though hers is less destructive, and talked about following the vet's instructions to a T, the fact that they brought him ice cream, and that everyone got to see him before he went really helped. I mentioned the suicidal rage over failing Mousey, and what a huge difference it was when Hover and Houdini died. She shared that she had a similar experience with her first cat. Had a doggy door for the cat, so she could come and go as she pleased, and the cat had snuck out and slept under her tires. Tragedy ensued. I literally can't imagine what that must have done to her. Lady Miss Friday joined us at that moment, which made a nice segue to my other Eternal Quest - to make her happy. The lengths I've gone to trying to achieve that, my failinG so very badly, and the desperate hope I can get her active enough to slim down and not die of diabetes. On the Benoit itself, I didn't even end up sending it to her. Not because my nose started gushing blood, though it did, but I just plugged it up with tissue. I did not go through all of this just to allow my worthless fucking body to stop it. Also a reminder to take my iron supplement. Even though we talked about it last time, I completely forgot that we're Appellate Defenders. We actually handled the client's appeal that resulted in the remand. I can just look at the Opinion in that case for the procedural history, and even cite to it. I'm a little slow.
I finished my letter of recommendation, and while I was not happy with it, I was already late, because I think you're supposed to attach them with your resume. It occurred to me that given the nature of it, I could probably have written it without the resume. But I didn't know that before. I sent it to Aaron, but didn't hear back. I was maybe going to try to finish the Benoit, but now that my insomnia has broken through the meds, I really wasn't up to it. Also, I was running out of vodka. Just as I was about to leave, Lady Miss Friday wanted attention. I never tell her no, so I spent some time petting her instead. It was honestly a little weird - she was the most affectionate I think I've ever seen her. I thought maybe it was mating season or something, but I'm certainly not complaining.
While I was at the store, I made sure to pick up both melatonin and OTC sleeping pills. As you're well aware, I'm not shy about drugs. Julian called while I was there, but he was amazed I'd gone through a handle in two days. I just checked, and my credit card suggests that I'm at the same rate I've always been - roughly a handle/week. But just to have an alcoholic be amazed at my rate was a little awkward. Back to the main Quest, then. He asked about Lemon Law, because the dealership apparently edited and lied about the mileage. I agreed to help, but he really just seemed to be ranting. I got what I needed, explained that I would send what he needed this weekend. I tried to keep up with my journal during it, and he asked about it, and specifically how he appears in it. My journal is public, but he balked at reading. I'm not great about my Tags, but I just Searched for his name. At some point, I'm going to be a paying member here, and journal searches are part of that, but until then, CTRL + F works fine. He didn't remember sending me that snipe after Happy Hour, saying he knew I wasn't talking to my mom, and felt really bad about it. I talked about the attempted planning for his trip, and things got kind of heavy. Even though I made the condition for the trip that it be about a vacation to SD, with me as a side benefit, he now said I was the reason for the trip. There is realistically no way for us to live together. Lady Miss Friday would go insane having to share the apartment with other cats, and I obviously would never put her through that. And Julian doesn't have a path to San Diego. He's got no job, no skills, and poor employment history. He talked about his position managing the rental place, and I noted that he had a mutually abusive employment situation there. I stressed the importance of goals, plans, ambition towards absolutely anything, but he went on about life happening to plans. You could get hit by a car tomorrow, why bother working towards anything? Why bother thinking about the future at all? A strong fear of failure came through, and I tried to explain the shoot for the moon advice. Sure, I'm a lawyer working as a paralegal, but it's the best job I've ever had, I've met life changing and life saving people thanks to it, and none of it would have been possible if I hadn't gone to law school. Actually, now that I think of it, that helps calm me. I've had an emerging, gnawing, worry that I went at the wrong time in my life. Obviously, being with Meeker was the wrong time in and of itself, and now, at nearly 40, I've finally managed to buckle down. But if I'd gone sooner or later than I did, I wouldn't have met Christina. And as you know, her advice re: Heaven Sent has kept me from tapping out many times. Anyway, Julian wouldn't hear it. I thought I might also have heard some Denial or something. He talked about Us, I stayed firm that I'm neutral. If it happens, fine. If not, fine. I will not allow the absence of a romantic relationship to end my total relationship with anyone. But I refuse to commit in advance, and especially as a Magic Finish Line. I will not accept these expectations. He apologized for being emotionally and physically abusive. I still don't think he was physically abusive enough to *really* be considered abuse, but I get where that's problematic. "Yeah, but he only hit me a few times, and he's not very strong!" isn't really a very effective rationalization. I hadn't ever thought he was emotionally abusive, but I can see where his screaming storms certainly could be interpreted as such. He talked again about my night job, and said his fits were due to his discomfort with it. I talked about my history of partners cheating on me, and being told it was impossible to cheat on an escort. Ultimately, I think it was a healthy conversation, hard as it was.
I kept getting bogged down in the procedural history. Kind of ironic, since that was my first assignment, but even with my notes, I couldn't figure out which case had which sentences, when they consolidated, or even which counts carried which sentence. Details, details. Destined death of me, details. I kept the Goal of the Benoit itself firmly in my mind, and decided to just come back to that, if there was time. Our meeting was at 3, so I had all day to finish my normal work and then work on the Benoit. Actually, if I hadn't had the Benoit I'd have finished all the eservice for everyone for tomorrow. I managed to get all of mine done, anyway. Since I don't want Carl to have nothing to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays, then *on* Tuesdays and Thursdays, after he's done eservice, I'll just try to do everything. I even showered on my lunch break! I just splashed some water on my face to try to wake up, then figured a shower would help more.
The Benoit meeting was mostly about Scotch, pets, guilt and grief. She has a similar anxious hindsight, though hers is less destructive, and talked about following the vet's instructions to a T, the fact that they brought him ice cream, and that everyone got to see him before he went really helped. I mentioned the suicidal rage over failing Mousey, and what a huge difference it was when Hover and Houdini died. She shared that she had a similar experience with her first cat. Had a doggy door for the cat, so she could come and go as she pleased, and the cat had snuck out and slept under her tires. Tragedy ensued. I literally can't imagine what that must have done to her. Lady Miss Friday joined us at that moment, which made a nice segue to my other Eternal Quest - to make her happy. The lengths I've gone to trying to achieve that, my failinG so very badly, and the desperate hope I can get her active enough to slim down and not die of diabetes. On the Benoit itself, I didn't even end up sending it to her. Not because my nose started gushing blood, though it did, but I just plugged it up with tissue. I did not go through all of this just to allow my worthless fucking body to stop it. Also a reminder to take my iron supplement. Even though we talked about it last time, I completely forgot that we're Appellate Defenders. We actually handled the client's appeal that resulted in the remand. I can just look at the Opinion in that case for the procedural history, and even cite to it. I'm a little slow.
I finished my letter of recommendation, and while I was not happy with it, I was already late, because I think you're supposed to attach them with your resume. It occurred to me that given the nature of it, I could probably have written it without the resume. But I didn't know that before. I sent it to Aaron, but didn't hear back. I was maybe going to try to finish the Benoit, but now that my insomnia has broken through the meds, I really wasn't up to it. Also, I was running out of vodka. Just as I was about to leave, Lady Miss Friday wanted attention. I never tell her no, so I spent some time petting her instead. It was honestly a little weird - she was the most affectionate I think I've ever seen her. I thought maybe it was mating season or something, but I'm certainly not complaining.
While I was at the store, I made sure to pick up both melatonin and OTC sleeping pills. As you're well aware, I'm not shy about drugs. Julian called while I was there, but he was amazed I'd gone through a handle in two days. I just checked, and my credit card suggests that I'm at the same rate I've always been - roughly a handle/week. But just to have an alcoholic be amazed at my rate was a little awkward. Back to the main Quest, then. He asked about Lemon Law, because the dealership apparently edited and lied about the mileage. I agreed to help, but he really just seemed to be ranting. I got what I needed, explained that I would send what he needed this weekend. I tried to keep up with my journal during it, and he asked about it, and specifically how he appears in it. My journal is public, but he balked at reading. I'm not great about my Tags, but I just Searched for his name. At some point, I'm going to be a paying member here, and journal searches are part of that, but until then, CTRL + F works fine. He didn't remember sending me that snipe after Happy Hour, saying he knew I wasn't talking to my mom, and felt really bad about it. I talked about the attempted planning for his trip, and things got kind of heavy. Even though I made the condition for the trip that it be about a vacation to SD, with me as a side benefit, he now said I was the reason for the trip. There is realistically no way for us to live together. Lady Miss Friday would go insane having to share the apartment with other cats, and I obviously would never put her through that. And Julian doesn't have a path to San Diego. He's got no job, no skills, and poor employment history. He talked about his position managing the rental place, and I noted that he had a mutually abusive employment situation there. I stressed the importance of goals, plans, ambition towards absolutely anything, but he went on about life happening to plans. You could get hit by a car tomorrow, why bother working towards anything? Why bother thinking about the future at all? A strong fear of failure came through, and I tried to explain the shoot for the moon advice. Sure, I'm a lawyer working as a paralegal, but it's the best job I've ever had, I've met life changing and life saving people thanks to it, and none of it would have been possible if I hadn't gone to law school. Actually, now that I think of it, that helps calm me. I've had an emerging, gnawing, worry that I went at the wrong time in my life. Obviously, being with Meeker was the wrong time in and of itself, and now, at nearly 40, I've finally managed to buckle down. But if I'd gone sooner or later than I did, I wouldn't have met Christina. And as you know, her advice re: Heaven Sent has kept me from tapping out many times. Anyway, Julian wouldn't hear it. I thought I might also have heard some Denial or something. He talked about Us, I stayed firm that I'm neutral. If it happens, fine. If not, fine. I will not allow the absence of a romantic relationship to end my total relationship with anyone. But I refuse to commit in advance, and especially as a Magic Finish Line. I will not accept these expectations. He apologized for being emotionally and physically abusive. I still don't think he was physically abusive enough to *really* be considered abuse, but I get where that's problematic. "Yeah, but he only hit me a few times, and he's not very strong!" isn't really a very effective rationalization. I hadn't ever thought he was emotionally abusive, but I can see where his screaming storms certainly could be interpreted as such. He talked again about my night job, and said his fits were due to his discomfort with it. I talked about my history of partners cheating on me, and being told it was impossible to cheat on an escort. Ultimately, I think it was a healthy conversation, hard as it was.
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