thepnutgallery | Successfully Neutral (Reply)

Felt a little better in the morning than I had all week. Maybe it was the long weekend, maybe it was the jug of wine, but as much as I love efficiency, I'm not really wild about struggling to keep up in the wake of a holiday. I managed to get through nearly all of my mail before technical difficulties booted me off the network. Not Today Satan. Since I could get to both email and CMS in my browser, I could still work on claims, work cases up, send offers out, etc. There were a few hiccups, but overall it was fine.

I noticed I'd been less buoyant lately. Not the nose dive when I ran out of meds, but just.... drifting lower. I was thinking enviously of someone who died when I finally noticed. This is exactly why and what I made a rule for when I started rationing my antidepressants, so I took a pill. I also saw a post from Kenneth with ideation tendencies. I wrote a few draft comments before finally just reaching out over messenger. Talked him through his guilt over his depression and hopefully gave him some direction for help.

My monthly(?) meeting with Kathy was really useful. There's a social culture at work and working remotely really leans heavily on the formal side of things. Plus my anxiety ramps up without contact. Just talking to her reminded me that I'm not fucking up all the time, they're not approaching Fed Up, or even on the way there. A couple jokes about my organizational skills and how ironic my being scared of being boring is. And I kept pace with work, so I'll just be at the deadline in one area, but 100% caught up with the others.

I had some very, very dark whispers skulking about my religion and related projects. Thoughts that I'm only interested in them to put off getting a real job. Another version of the perpetual undergrad. Kathy and I had also spoken about my Bar license. I love my job, but I feel like having the abilities of an attorney comes with the responsibility to use them. Ideally for good.

I saw a paper outside that would have spun my panic button at my last place on Cleveland. I mean, obviously just having had the termination letter taped to my door creates an apprehension, and the subject matter was oddly personal. They asked work and tenancy status and tenure. I was really confused why they asked how much we pay, but slightly less why they asked number of occupants. Surely they could just check their records? More people could be there than their lease, as I'm well aware, but....