Mist of Muck
Feb. 1st, 2021 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thepnutgalleryI was swamped and exhausted all day, and I have no clue why. I thought I got enough sleep, nutrition, etc, and I even got my heart rate up in the morning. I also thought I ended last week keeping afloat, but....I was so swamped I barely had time to send replies when something came up. But I'll be getting an extra $30. Last Monday when my computer died and I kept working later to make up for it, they insisted I keep both the hours that I tried to log in and the extra time. I guess that whole "bad with boundaries" thing kind of goes both ways. If no one stopped me, it would be very, very easy for a company to get me to put in hundreds of hours in unpaid labor.
Since I think too much, I rarely provide clean-cut answers to "how are you" these days (?) But today I wasn't "good, for the most part" I was "great, for the most part." I didn't realize it until Candace said something, but I think "good, for the most part" might be my version of "fine, you?" We talked about Boundary Blurring, which is that sort of thing where if I say stop at 5, they'll try for 5.3 or 6. Then 7. Etc. It's people who give overly intimate hugs. And people who pressure you to stay on the phone when you've made it clear you'd rather not. We also started unraveling my *many* issues with sex. She's now joined the chorus of individuals noting that I was very likely molested. It's a veritable rat's nest (no offense to rats reading), between my needs to please others, dissociation, and be fucking amazing. And I've still got to figure out that whole cumming thing. Yeah, the addictive personality part makes sense, but that kind of guilt and distilled self loathing is...different.
No word from Hawk, but I got the brilliant idea that for Sea Invaders, the new undersea shmup, I could load the app again on my old phone and play through the about 150 ads in the background, just to boost the game's profitability and therefore popularity with the developer. I also saw a post from Sebastian, asking for help financially for his birthday once he gets out of treatment. Even though I'm just skating by right now, I sent him some money. Some of that is the camaraderie as addicts, and some of that is my survivor's guilt over getting out of my addiction and getting to keep Lady Miss Friday. Plus other things. I crashed very very early and took two sleeping pills. Not taking any chances.
Since I think too much, I rarely provide clean-cut answers to "how are you" these days (?) But today I wasn't "good, for the most part" I was "great, for the most part." I didn't realize it until Candace said something, but I think "good, for the most part" might be my version of "fine, you?" We talked about Boundary Blurring, which is that sort of thing where if I say stop at 5, they'll try for 5.3 or 6. Then 7. Etc. It's people who give overly intimate hugs. And people who pressure you to stay on the phone when you've made it clear you'd rather not. We also started unraveling my *many* issues with sex. She's now joined the chorus of individuals noting that I was very likely molested. It's a veritable rat's nest (no offense to rats reading), between my needs to please others, dissociation, and be fucking amazing. And I've still got to figure out that whole cumming thing. Yeah, the addictive personality part makes sense, but that kind of guilt and distilled self loathing is...different.
No word from Hawk, but I got the brilliant idea that for Sea Invaders, the new undersea shmup, I could load the app again on my old phone and play through the about 150 ads in the background, just to boost the game's profitability and therefore popularity with the developer. I also saw a post from Sebastian, asking for help financially for his birthday once he gets out of treatment. Even though I'm just skating by right now, I sent him some money. Some of that is the camaraderie as addicts, and some of that is my survivor's guilt over getting out of my addiction and getting to keep Lady Miss Friday. Plus other things. I crashed very very early and took two sleeping pills. Not taking any chances.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}