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thepnutgalleryVery productive morning, from a work perspective, but then the VPN decided to pretty much kick everyone out for a couple hours. I spent the extra time playing video games on my phone and smoking. Even if the dabtabs don't get me where I'm looking to go, smoke enough of them and you can get at least a little high. I also researched more of the concentrate cartridges. Found a company called Clear that makes a concentrate cartridge at 90%, but they don't sell anywhere around here.
I got an email from The Center that my psych had tried to call me, and when I finally got a hold of him I guess he had the wrong number. He was concerned because I had just left the Conflict Resolution Scale sheet blank...but the PDF it came on has the default answer as 21+ times, so it looked like I was in a continuous and wildly mutually abusive relationship. I hate filling out that form because it's so vague. How many times have you calmly discussed something, how many times have you looked for citations to back yourself up....Ever? When there was a genuine question, or just to prove yourself right...ugh. We went over them on the phone and it was fine, because he was able to clarify the ones that needed it.
At first, I considered bailing or asking for a different therapist. In asking about what I want to deal with in therapy, he seemed unusually focused on behavior. Like...he asked about my chem use. I'm pretty open about wanting to...essentially OD. I drink to black out. I smoke to forget where I am. I want out of my fucking head. It's miserable here. And I've been thinking a lot lately about that desire and how it relates to my depression and suicidal bouts. He tried to make it more about...cause and effect? Oh, you drank too much and now you have a hangover - guess you won't drink anymore, will you? That's...not how behavioral psych works, or addiction. Obviously. He also warned me that he would intervene if I came to him with self-harm. That's pretty broad, but I guess he just meant if I cut again.. or presumably if I start using hard drugs. And tell him. Like ... That's exactly went these protection But disclosure clauses exist. By the end of the conversation, though, I felt better about things...better enough to continue with him, at least.
In the afternoon, I smoked through several Dabtabs, researched more on ways to get high. I found a company called Beezle, which makes 510 cartridges that are a blend of resin and distillate, and supposed to get you sky high. Then I saw a company called The Clear, making an extract called Lobster Butter that's supposed to be 90% THC, and comes in both a cartridge and...sauce or whatever. Couldn't find any place carrying it locally, of course. APC is supposed to, but their website said they were closed for now. I looked further, and found a site recommending AiroPro and Pax Era. Eaze had the Airopro battery, but no cartridges, and generic 510 cartridges, but no batteries. They do have a ton of Pax stuff. I messaged their customer service and just flat out asked how to get high. I explained my issues with what might be tolerance or whatever, and somewhat unsurprisingly, he recommended Pax Era. But on more research, they're apparently on par in terms of potency with Plug n Play, so I might as well stick with it, and then I can try various others when my generic 510 thread arrives.
I messaged Jesse later, since he's even more into chems, and asked how to get stoned, but he just suggested shrooms, and apparently there are underground weed swap meets. Since that didn't work, I messaged Aaron, but he left it on Read.
Brandon, the gent from Iowa, messaged me later. We hadn't talked in a while, and he's certainly moving further into kinkdom. He also had to drop his classes and move back in with his folks. Sucks, but thankfully that safety net is there for him. I went ahead and sent him my Spiderman jerkoff vid, and he sent me a video of him bottoming for some parTy tops. I checked, and it turns out he started parTying then. And just like Jeremy, he wants me to parTy with him.
I finally dragged myself to the store after 6. Mostly because I was out of vodka, I'll be honest, but I weirdly didn't drink a fuckton when I got home.
Tim called me, and we spoke somewhat about my new therapist. I'm frustrated with him because it should not be my be my responsibility to lead this shit. I fucking stepped up and told them I was (maybe?) molested, blah blah vicious AF divorce, addictions, cutting, eating disorders... And he was still asking "So... What do you want to talk about?"
Um....I just gave you literally everything that definitely or might be fucking me up. How fucking dare you ask me to lead you, Degree,in my own fucking treatment that you're getting paid for?
Tim mentioned that it's really only his intimate knowledge of me that let's him... Bassically be my psychologist. He knows what to ask about, knows what questions to ask. Because while I'm an open book, I never, EVER, volunteer information. Ask me literally anything and I'll always tell you truthfully and completely. But if you're relying on me to reach out... I'll die. You know me, you know how bad I want that.
Shit. I just realized thinking about that... I'd only tell them the truth if it was not-terrible news. I never thought of that but.... Of course it's true. There's something happening there with my desperate need to never need anything from anyone
I got an email from The Center that my psych had tried to call me, and when I finally got a hold of him I guess he had the wrong number. He was concerned because I had just left the Conflict Resolution Scale sheet blank...but the PDF it came on has the default answer as 21+ times, so it looked like I was in a continuous and wildly mutually abusive relationship. I hate filling out that form because it's so vague. How many times have you calmly discussed something, how many times have you looked for citations to back yourself up....Ever? When there was a genuine question, or just to prove yourself right...ugh. We went over them on the phone and it was fine, because he was able to clarify the ones that needed it.
At first, I considered bailing or asking for a different therapist. In asking about what I want to deal with in therapy, he seemed unusually focused on behavior. Like...he asked about my chem use. I'm pretty open about wanting to...essentially OD. I drink to black out. I smoke to forget where I am. I want out of my fucking head. It's miserable here. And I've been thinking a lot lately about that desire and how it relates to my depression and suicidal bouts. He tried to make it more about...cause and effect? Oh, you drank too much and now you have a hangover - guess you won't drink anymore, will you? That's...not how behavioral psych works, or addiction. Obviously. He also warned me that he would intervene if I came to him with self-harm. That's pretty broad, but I guess he just meant if I cut again.. or presumably if I start using hard drugs. And tell him. Like ... That's exactly went these protection But disclosure clauses exist. By the end of the conversation, though, I felt better about things...better enough to continue with him, at least.
In the afternoon, I smoked through several Dabtabs, researched more on ways to get high. I found a company called Beezle, which makes 510 cartridges that are a blend of resin and distillate, and supposed to get you sky high. Then I saw a company called The Clear, making an extract called Lobster Butter that's supposed to be 90% THC, and comes in both a cartridge and...sauce or whatever. Couldn't find any place carrying it locally, of course. APC is supposed to, but their website said they were closed for now. I looked further, and found a site recommending AiroPro and Pax Era. Eaze had the Airopro battery, but no cartridges, and generic 510 cartridges, but no batteries. They do have a ton of Pax stuff. I messaged their customer service and just flat out asked how to get high. I explained my issues with what might be tolerance or whatever, and somewhat unsurprisingly, he recommended Pax Era. But on more research, they're apparently on par in terms of potency with Plug n Play, so I might as well stick with it, and then I can try various others when my generic 510 thread arrives.
I messaged Jesse later, since he's even more into chems, and asked how to get stoned, but he just suggested shrooms, and apparently there are underground weed swap meets. Since that didn't work, I messaged Aaron, but he left it on Read.
Brandon, the gent from Iowa, messaged me later. We hadn't talked in a while, and he's certainly moving further into kinkdom. He also had to drop his classes and move back in with his folks. Sucks, but thankfully that safety net is there for him. I went ahead and sent him my Spiderman jerkoff vid, and he sent me a video of him bottoming for some parTy tops. I checked, and it turns out he started parTying then. And just like Jeremy, he wants me to parTy with him.
I finally dragged myself to the store after 6. Mostly because I was out of vodka, I'll be honest, but I weirdly didn't drink a fuckton when I got home.
Tim called me, and we spoke somewhat about my new therapist. I'm frustrated with him because it should not be my be my responsibility to lead this shit. I fucking stepped up and told them I was (maybe?) molested, blah blah vicious AF divorce, addictions, cutting, eating disorders... And he was still asking "So... What do you want to talk about?"
Um....I just gave you literally everything that definitely or might be fucking me up. How fucking dare you ask me to lead you, Degree,in my own fucking treatment that you're getting paid for?
Tim mentioned that it's really only his intimate knowledge of me that let's him... Bassically be my psychologist. He knows what to ask about, knows what questions to ask. Because while I'm an open book, I never, EVER, volunteer information. Ask me literally anything and I'll always tell you truthfully and completely. But if you're relying on me to reach out... I'll die. You know me, you know how bad I want that.
Shit. I just realized thinking about that... I'd only tell them the truth if it was not-terrible news. I never thought of that but.... Of course it's true. There's something happening there with my desperate need to never need anything from anyone
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